Day 4 Chocolate-Free, Day 2 Secret Society

Today is my fourth day that I am not eating chocolate...not that there's anything wrong with it. But, I'm free and don't need to be eating chocolate to make it through the day. Notice how I snuck a bit of The Secret in there.

After bashing the CDs, I'm doing it. I'm reprogramming my subconscious to follow along with my conscious decision to affirm that I'm a smart, beautiful, talented, rich woman with great entrepreneurial spirit, amassing my fortunes while the pounds melt away, since I have such a strong metabolism and am a dedicated health-conscious gymrat who loves drinking lots of water and eating high fiber, low fat, sugar free nutrious meals.

Holy Cannoli - My Early Review of The Secret

I'm on the second CD of the 4-CD set of The Secret on Audio. I have no idea how this can last for four whole CDs, when they're just saying the same thing over and over. This woman has proved her theory, though. She convinced herself she could make millions and generate a worldwide following with this "secret" of using the laws of attraction to get what she wanted...and she did. Listen, watch, read...and pay attention. All she does is repeat the same idea over and over; and isn't even creative about the way she phrases herself.

Here's the big secret folks...you think about it, believe it is right now (not that it will be later, but it is today) and it comes true. Want to be rich, tell yourself you're rich. Want to have a perfect body? Picture you in a perfect body, tell yourself you have a perfect body and you will attract a perfect body. Want to meet your mate? Believe the right mate is out there and he is on his way to you, and he'll appear.

I won't go on, I'll keep listening...I believe this works. I am brilliant, rich, gorgeous, satisfied, in love, happy, thin and having a great time.

And that's the way we became the Brady Bunch (-3 boys and 1 girl)

I don't have much time, but I've got to get it down. I'm marrying the most romantic man on this planet!

First he surprises me at work to take me to lunch - too bad I was already hanging out at the mall since my car was being serviced. He caught up with me though, and we had a lovely food courtship. Back at the office, I saw the roses and balloon he brought me with the gift bag that included a few chocolates and an adorable special edition Grease CD with a cute leather jacket around it.

I have to tell you that all day long I hoped and prayed that I would get the ring but was pretty much convinced it wasn't happening. I even talked about it with my boss's secretary that I would be completely surprised if it did happen.

So I kept trying to guess where we were going for dinner, but I would never have guessed Cafe Bella Sera, since I'd never heard of it. But it was romantic, the food was delicious and we owe tremendous thanks to Pete and his staff for pulling this off without a hitch.

He had a big bag this time, when met at his house, but I wasn't allowed to look in it until after dinner. Finally, I read the beautiful 2nd card of the day that talked about how we were "meant to be." It was a heavy bag, so I knew it wasn't the ring. Inside was a digital photo frame...funny part is I'd been shopping online to get him one for about a week before I gave up and went with a traditional engraved photo album. So this photo frame he gave me is awesome, but my heart sank a little.

We waited what seemed like forever for the waiter to bring the dessert tray before he gave up on holding it in and told me if the waiter shows up while he's in the restroom, just to order the tiramisu.

I should mention that he had said "no phones tonight" earlier. Well he heads to the bathroom and I start to text my cousins with "digital photo frame...no jewels" and before I could hit send, he's running back to me yelling "I said no phones." I quickly shut the phone as the waiter is behind him with dessert.

The waiter places the dessert on the table and I was so excited to see it and exclaimed "you pre-ordered dessert?!" It took me about 20 seconds before I saw the most incredibly perfect engagement ring sitting around a cinnamon stick on the top of the cake. OH MY G-D!!!! I screamed it over and over as the other patrons stared.

He took out a poem he'd written, then got down on one knee to read it, about how he'd known from the start, how in love he is with me, how he wants to make a family with he and I, the girls and even Scrappy Doo! It ended with "will you marry me?" and I screamed yes and the room applauded, and the waiters were taking photos with his camera (that he'd left earlier with the ring). Then the hostess had to remind him to put the ring on my finger.

My cheeks were hurting by the time we came home, but there was more. While I text messaged away downstairs, he'd prepared the bedroom with rose petals on the bed, candlelight, more flowers, a big gigantic balloon, and set up my digital photo frame that was stocked with my and his pictures from the past year, and it played songs - Crazy for you (which I sang on his karaoke at home), Open Arms, Danny's Song (which I'd sang at Crabby's for him) and Regina Spektor's Fidelity which I haven't been able to stop singing lately.

I'm soooooooo happy, and can't wait to show the world and can't wait to start our life together. Sigh, I'm such a girl.

They're here, they're here!!!

The woman on the phone told me that my books would be released March 1 and I should receive them within a week from there. Well, they showed up yesterday, just a few days after I placed the order!

I got one free Chicken Soup for writing it (with lovely stick-on label of autographs for the main contributers - Jack Canfield and the gang). Then, with my discount, I ordered 10 more to give out. Yep, pretty much just spent what I earned for my story in there. With my discount, and after shipping, basically I pay the same thing you would on Amazon. I think I saved a dollar.

And like the superstar I think I am, I autographed the copy I gave my daughter. She told me she was choked up when she read the inscription - later I learned she wasn't able to read my handwriting for all the words. Pretty funny.

Scroll down to the post below this to see my little ad for Chicken Soup for the Soul - Celebrating Mothers and Daughters (and to click through straight to the page on Amazon that sells the book).

For Rachel,

My greatest inspiration, my love and my life.

All my love,
Mommy

Reminder...Chicken Soup

You can now pre-order the Chicken Soup for the Soul Celebrating Mothers & Daughters that my story is in. Or shop for anything else while you're there...if you spend $25, there are no shipping fees.

Free Food Tastes Better

I really meant to eat the food I had brought with me to work today, but when I got an invite from a vendor to kill some time before our meeting, I jumped. I really like Johnny Carino's honey pecan salmon salad and I just don't let myself go for the good stuff when I do go out to lunch. But I figured he's paying, it's an expense he can bill the company, and I haven't had much interaction with web folk lately. It was fun - good work conversation, good food, good change of pace.

A+

Where did my real daughter go?

I don't know what happened but all of a sudden, she loves him. She can't wait to move in with him and can't wait for me to get engaged, and actually said she missed him and wanted to see him after he was gone for work for 5 days.

He and I are in shock, but we're riding this wave and making plans. Buying a house won't fly...just as we were reconsidering after backing out (damn budgets will screw you every time), he gets hit with "my friends have lawyers that say you should be paying me twice the child support that you do." Not a good time to shop. Not that she's even the slightest bit realistic, but there's either going to be an increase in child support or legal fees...either way, there's no house for us. Pisses me off.

Will they ever invent the "me" cereal?

I seem to be incapable of eating cereal as it was created. I want no sugar so I go to the shredded wheat. But then it tastes boring so I have to add Splenda. And even then, it gets soggy before I can finish and I miss my crunch. Add in the crunchy psuedo-healthy cereal (Special-K, Raisin Bran Crunch, anything granola-y). Hmm, needs raisins or bananas thrown in - for the record, those are the only fruits I can bear in cereal...get your fake dried out astronaut strawberries out of my bowl. So now that I'm mixing in the sweetness, I no longer need my Splenda. And there you have it..."me" blend cereal.

Can I patent "create your own cereal" bins at the supermarket? Hey, I think I'm on to something.

I call dibs on the lawn penguins, too! [for the record, Googled it...taken, damnit!)

I'm so gay

Okay, not the homosexual kind of gay, but the gay we used to call kids at school who were really nerdy and tacky. Is that bad or offensive to the real gay community. Uh oh, I don't do contraversy well. We'll find out if anyone actually reads my blog after this one. I ain't skeered! I'm even going to let people post comments. Eh, I can see the cobwebs and hear crickets from the cyber-ghost town now.

Back to me, here's why I'm gay. Because I love my boyfriend! I do, I do! I tell him how much I miss him and how I want to spoon with him and put my head in his chest and hold hands; and I'm happy just to be with him - even when we're not having sex! Can you believe it? Me!

Not that anyone but he and our kids see it. Sure, the friends and family get a sneak peak of the "baby, I love you" talk, but they'll have to be hiding behind the corners or travel through the vortex into my brain to get the girly-giggly "he's so cute and I dream of wearing his pin" stuff. And it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone sees me scribbling Mrs. Helene on my notebook.

Here's what makes me REALLY gay about it, though. I like to cybershop for engagement rings, wedding dresses, reception halls and houses. Even better, I'm studying on a non-profit website about how to make a healthy step-family. But don't tell anyone. I'm not ready to come out of the closet.

My pithy quote on making generalizations

Just because I can't walk in heels, doesn't mean I'm not meant to wear shoes.

What I did on my winter vacation, by me

I spent Christmas week in Manhattan with my daughter, my ex-sister-in-law and my nephew. I definitely spent too much money, tried to see too many sights, and decided my child is too dang demanding.

First off, I'd like to make a stand. It was cold. It was warm for this time of year, you say? Guess what. 50 degrees is still cold when you come from Florida and hate when it goes below 70. Yes, I know, it's warm for NY. However, I stood in the longest line known to mankind just so I could get a 25% discount on an off-Broadway show that turned out to be just a little too mature for my 11 year old.

I did get front row tickets, though. It was nice to have the stage there to protect my legs from getting too far in front of me. Cute show. Now, what do people normally do with their jackets while they're watching a play? Mine was in my way. Good thing people don't throw greasy popcorn on the floor of the theater at plays - that's where my jacket went. It helped keep my feet from having to touch the floor while the stage kept my knees from having too much space. I was impressed with how well groomed the actors nostrils are, too...that was my angle. And by the way, the lady sings out of her mouth sideways.

It's official!

I'm published!

OK, don't get too excited, it's just one short article in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book...but it's official, and I get paid for it. And even better than that, my love for my daughter will be immortalized in print.

Coming in March...

Love - my baby and my honey

On the day to day with my honey - it's still a lot of fawning, but he really has gotten better with adding the more adult physical stuff (e.g., when he is hugging me, he'll throw in a grope). We spend a lot of time in fantasy world talking about what kind of house we want, what we'll do when we're alone, or when the kids are grown and out of our way, etc. I'm able to talk about my issues, but I'm very matter of fact about them, rather than emotionally spilling out...however, from time to time, I have cried to him - over my weight or frustrations with my daughter, anxieties over every doctor's visit. And he has gotten a million times better at listening and reassuring rather than trying to fix things or trying to pretend like problems don't exist, i.e. my health. He also pushed the ex for us to get alone time, and I think that made the world of difference...when we actually at least a night for 2-3 weeks in a row, that's when I really fell in love. No days/nights free from kids means no intimacy - physical or emotional.

I remember being with him while he was on the phone with the ex and she was frantic about something - and apparently his daughter must've bugged her at that same moment, so the ex yelled at her. He hung up and was very upset that she had yelled at his daughter, that he hates when she yells at her. I'm thinking "Hello, I yell at my daughter several times a day...better not tell him I kicked that hole in the wall while screaming at her."
ome, and it's enough for me.

Update from NY

Yesterday I made the mistake of believing 15-20 blocks didn't require a cab, after standing in the TKTS line for an hour plus....and then last night my daughter wanted to walk back from the show, so here we go again. I survived but right now there's something going on in the joint that connects my right leg to my pelvis. And my back needs a chinese woman to walk across it. Today we're going to Chelsea Piers with my ex-sister in law and my nephew. The gals will ice skate while I try to entertain my nephew...was just looking up the Rock n Roll class where they drop in for gymnastics and rock climbing but it's $27...they did it the other day with my cousin, but she works there so it was only half price, didn't know her discount was that large until I just saw the real price.

OK, she's flipping from my nails clicking on the keyboard...time to make the donuts!

A big long one

This is the first time I've finally gotten to sit down and write a big long one...without being distracted by my anxieties, paranoia and planning compulsion. I'm in NY at my brother's place. We got in last night and just came straight here, ordered chinese and passed out. I should've just taken an earlier flight so we would've had the day - but it was Christmas so not sure what we would've done anyway. My honey's daughter and her mom were on the same plane, they're the ones that convinced me to come and to go on the same flight - in the end they showed up as we were boarding so only got a quick hello, visit from his daughter to offer mine a caramel apple in exchange for her video game, and then waited for luggage. They didn't want an earlier flight b/c they actually celebrate Christmas.

Back to me. Not sure where I left off on my updates. I cried the other day over my weight...it's been awhile for that. I'm just so disappointed in myself and feel so out of control. And my guy did try to make me feel better...he thinks he's fat too, so he was encouraging me to look forward to the new year and we'll do it together. But having to lose 10-15 lbs is not the same as 55 lbs. Yep, that's how much weight I've gained back in 6 years. Well I lost 20 during chemo, but that's back with another 10 to boot. I'm so sick of me and what I do to myself. This all really got bad after sorting through every picture I own and seeing how disgusting I was and then how thin I was. And here I am climbing my way back up...there's no more quick fixes other than a lobotomy.

Work is going well...they finally moved my eCommerce responsibilities off of me about a week ago (minus two outstanding projects I need to see through to the end and answering any questions no one else can). Now I'm focusing my efforts on building a new business from scratch. I wrote the basic business plan and my boss said it was awesome and presented it to corporate. It was really exciting just to have her like my business idea...but absolutely incredible that corporate liked it and that she wasn't just blowing sunshine up my ass and I get to make it a reality! I'm doing a lot of research now and laying the foundation for the business. Enough work, I'm on vacation.

Sadly, my sweetie didn't have enough time at his job to take vacation with us...I really will miss him. Things took a complete turnaround and it looks like I've found my keeper. I just am having a hard time with my daughter buying into it. She likes him and his daughter, but is adamant against moving in with him. She's grown used to it being just the two of us, so I understand. He doesn't understand and feels bad that she doesn't like him (not the case) - he wants everyone to be excited if we move in together. There's a whole comfort zone and privacy that's completely different from not liking someone. And I'm sure she can't even explain why she feels like this...just that she's not comfortable living with him. She gave me an example of "what if you're not home and I want to take a shower"? I told her I was pretty sure he's not a perv...but the fact is that she showers in my room now, and has breakfast in my bed, and doesn't have to knock to come in (she said that one). It will be a total adjustment, but I have to start breaking her of these habits now if we want to do this next summer. We just had our first real sleepover with all of us, and I think we need more of these for her to get used to having him around.

So if I missed a part in the middle, we are talking futures - I told him I won't move in without a ring, and won't set a date without living together first. And as scary as it is, we're going to have to buy a new place. We can't practice in his place b/c my child will resent his lack of room for her stuff, and I'll resent that it's HIS place and decorated in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and fan crap. There's a lot of risk involved and that's very scary for a gal like me, being so independent. But I'm listening to 7 habits of highly effective people on CD and it says being interdependent is more mature than independent...and it doesn't make me dependent or co dependent. The we instead of the me. :-)

OK, my child is out of bed and getting ready so I think I need to be doing the same. Hope you made it through in one sitting b/c it means you had a few minutes of quiet to yourself.

Big mean bully

Nothing very much to say but if my ex planted a damn smile on his face I wouldn't recognize him. How nice to honor me with his presence at our daughter's figure skating party for her friends, but when I sent a text looking for him at the rink, he actually yelled at me. Apparently, he's not a big fan of the text message. "Stop with the texts! Stop! Just stop!" I was just offering you pizza, ya big dumb fuck.

On a positive note, he got saddled with 10 tweens with many issues and dramas that kept everyone up all night long. Ain't karma a bitch?

F-A-T

I came across this blog at f-a-t.blogspot.com and I think they're very on to something. Like I posted as a comment on the blog over there, I'm convinced that OCD meds would make a significant impact for people who have serious eating problems. Seriously, it's COMPULSIVE eating...you really don't need to delve into whether my mother hugged me enough and come to some closure with a traumatic event to solve my problem. There's just no answer to how this happened that will make it stop...unless it's a physical issue that can be handled with drugs. Eh, not in the mood to ramble or explain myself.

That's all.

Accommodating is not Compromising

You know, I've come to accept that everybody's got something. As the saying goes, nobody's perfect. I'll even admit, that I've got my quirks, as well. But when and how often do I have to give up what I want or need because someone else has "issues"?

Let's return to "compromise" as a way to handle things. To review, what is a compromise? Well, some could see it as I win a little - you win a little. But I choose to face the reality - we both lose, neither one of us gets exactly what we want. I can live with a compromise a good deal of the time, but not all the time. Because it means I never get what I want.

In many cases, this "compromise" is actually a misnomer. Someone believes they're asking me to compromise with them when, in fact, they're really asking me to just accommodate them. I'm really somewhat easy going most of the time...eh, whatever. But make my life difficult or put me in a bad situation because of your issue, and I'm done. Not only am I done accommodating, I'm done compromising.

I've recently found that although people believe they're accommodating me by going along with the activity I chose or including other people they wouldn't prefer, they're actually punishing me for doing so - torturing me with comments about what's wrong with what we're doing or how they hate the other person or the big "Whatever" (translation: fuck you) attitude. It's a passive-aggressive way to fight the win. If I'm going to lose, I'm sure as hell not going to let you enjoy your win.

I'm really headed to a breaking point where there is no more accommodating irrational issues (what issues ARE rational, really?)...no more worrying about someone getting pissed because I've included my boyfriend in plans. I do not OWE anyone but my child one-on-one time - reality is that if they were also involved with someone, they'd never even ask me for that time. If you're thinking that's not true, it means you're not in a relationship right now...ask yourself again when you're in a relationship.

After that, I'm going to give up trying to hang out with more than one friend at a time. Apparently, I attract friends that don't seem to attract each other. If they can't respect me enough to keep their comments to themselves, I can't respect them enough to listen. Know that when you insult my friend or family, you insult me.

I'm going to stop my rant now...as of today, despite my earlier post that made it like I always have to get my own way, I'm still open to compromise and even accommodation. Just not always - don't take it for granted and don't take advantage. Show me respect, chill out with the issues, accommodate me every now and then without torturing me about it, and then everything else will fall into place. Hey, learn a lesson from the last post...we might eventually find our synergy and then, we both win.

It fits, it fits!

Nope, not a post about losing weight and my old clothes fitting again...someday we'll see that post. This one's about that square peg. Sometime between then and now, those sharp edges smoothed out and the round hole embraced the peg and locked it into place.

I'm sure you've heard that compromise is the key to any relationship. That's bullshit. Sure, you'll compromise from time to time when you can't get your way, but not EVERY TIME. That's a lose-lose situation. Nobody gets what they want. Ideally, there's a synergy where you both want exactly the same things, and then it's win-win...everybody gets what they want. But there will be times where you will allow the other person to win. Just remember that each person needs a turn at winning.

Does this necessarily mean someone loses if the other person wins when you don't want the same things? In my case, it didn't. His letting me win was the catalyst for his turn to win and in turn a catalyst for my win again and it became a wonderful cycle.

In one or two areas, we definitely did not see eye to eye. He told me that I needed to compromise. I told him that when we're sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sometimes we meet in the middle, but other times I come over to his side of the couch...every now and then, he needs to come over to my side of the couch, too.

And that's what made all the difference. When he pushed himself to visit me on my side of the couch, I was so happy to see him there that I followed him back to his side. And his seeing me on his side made him so happy that he hopped back over to mine some more...before we knew it, we no longer had to visit each other on opposite sides. We found our synergy.

So here we are today, happier than ever and planning to stay that way for a long, long time to come. The moral of the story......we'll all get along much better if I just get my way.

The relationship update

We met on Jdate back in March and have been together since. He's very sweet, the most romantic man I've ever met, a talented piano/keyboard musician, has a daughter that's a month older than mine, has never been married. He's Israeli but was raised down here from 5 years old. He's got hair issues...he's a band guy that cut his long hair off about 2 years ago and hates it, so is trying to grow it back and it's a major to-do every morning. I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he's recently joined a new band and makes his debut next week, I'm very excited.

We've had a very rocky road trying to make this work with some obstacles. But seemingly overnight, we seemed to have work out the biggest issues and learned that it's not always about compromise, but about doing what the other person wants or likes from time to time. And we've finally found a cycle that continues to work magic. Sex was a big issue for us - he felt like I demanded it constantly, but just couldn't turn it on and off...if he doesn't feel my love for him, he doesn't want it. And, I couldn't feel the romance if I didn't feel wanted. I asked him to try to be a little dirty from time to time...and to make time for us to be alone (had his daughter EVERY weekend). He took steps to meet my needs and in turn I felt more romantic...and that made him very horny...and that made me more in love. It was a continuous chain reaction/cycle that led us to our happy place. I love him. :-)