Dear Sherri,

Response to an e-mail from my friend


Wow, I'm jealous. It seems as though things are falling into place for you. I guess I need to move across the country to lose weight and get some men interested.

Nothing exciting to report here. I joined LA Fitness on Saturday (there's a new one by Winston Park), hoping that if I start moving my ass, I'll be more inspired to eat right and it'll keep me out of the house for an extra hour and a half in the evenings and away from the frig.

Once again, I've done the hokie pokie and pulled myself out of dating. I went out a few times with the [guy] that looked good on paper, but I wasn't really thrilled with him and my feelings must've been reciprocated b/c once I slept with him, I never heard from him again. And I wasn't about to contact him and give him the satisfaction of thinking I was that into him or that I'm a psycho chick.

There are a couple of guys I'm talking with on the phone, but not feeling desperate enough to attempt moving forward. I really need to get my weight in order and hair growing before I'll feel confident enough to go out and try to meet someone. It's just difficult, because like all us single gals, I get lonely for companionship.

It sounds like you and "D" are progressing, but slowly. That's a good thing. But it also sounds like you're not so sure because you're still actively going out looking for other guys (i.e., "J"). I'd keep it up...and listen to your instincts. My instinct told me this guy wasn't right but I wanted it so bad to work that I allowed myself to sleep with him with that sinking feeling that he wasn't very enamored with me. And I need that...I need to be put on the pedestal and to be with a guy that thinks I'm the bomb. I'm just too insecure to be with someone that is lukewarm.

Anyway, the camping was fun, but too hot and stressful with getting a big group organized and planning activities. The conference was phenomenal. It was great going from dirty yucky sweaty camping to a luxury resort and conference center with other professionals in my industry. I really needed that quiet time away from people. Of course, there were tons of people there, but no one was up my ass for attention. I went with two very low key women - they were very sweet and friendly, but relaxed. I've gotten so used to my demanding friends chewing my ear off and looking to go out partying when the kids aren't around. I even chose not to take calls from my friends back here, to allow myself that quiet time. I also learned a lot at the conference sessions and enjoyed being treated like a VIP by the vendors. We got a free night at Islands of Adventure - they opened to just the conference attendees and had 3 of the big rides open with no lines, free play at the arcade, food, drinks, dj with dancing...it was great! I hated coming back home.

I really love my friends but have recently been disheartened by the attitudes and intelligence levels. I really only have one friend here that's not a drama queen and is also a professional, like me. (not that I don't have drama queen moments). I have a friend from Jax that has taken to calling me every morning on my commute and just talking incessantly about bullshit...and she's got no clue that she's making a short story reallllly long and what's mountains are nothing but molehills.

Speaking of short story long, huh?

Prom Queen

Something I figured out, as I was talking it through, was that the three men that have been most significant in my dating share a common element. They all made me feel like they were honored to be with me. They made me feel like I was prom queen and they were the regular joe who got lucky. It may not have been what they were actually thinking, and may not be the reality of the situation, but they made me feel that good.

This new one, although he goes through the motions and is a good date, gentleman and sweet guy, just doesn't make me feel special. And I think I need that. It may be spoiled or narcissistic of me to want to be put on a pedestal and adored and admired, but that's just what works for me.

The thing is, when you try so hard to make it happen, because a fit seems there, you compromise what you want. Certain concessions I'm willing to make, but giving up being adored is not one of them. I want to be with someone I adore and I promise he will feel it from me, so I guess I expect the same in return.

It's too bad, he truly is a good fit, as far as lifestyle and personality go. But I'm not sure he really finds me to be wonderful, so much as he just finds me to be...there.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Jinx

I took my ass back to Jdate, after seeing my friend who met her husband there. So I trade some witty IMs with a guy, talk briefly on the phone, then move on to the longer 1-hour phone call. Something really scary happened. It fit. The conversation flowed, we learned more about our business lives and we speak each other's speak.

But of course, I don't want to say that out loud. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. From the first phone call, I got this feeling that he's right for me...not just a crush or romantic flirtation, but our lifestyles and personalities go well. Yet, now I'm sure it's got to go wrong somewhere because if I'm actually thinking positive that'll jinx it.

So, as predicted, the next phone call was not so hot - too many questions and comments about appearance and requesting more pictures. He was slowly losing points. However, we continued on and moved on to date number one.

Here I am today, the day after. And I'm terrified to say what's really on my mind because I'm going to jinx it. The date went well, very well. I like him, he fits. But it's early yet. There, I've said it and now I'm jinxed.

I guess it's a risk I have to take. Doesn't everyone talk about the power of positive thinking. I'm going to try and keep that mind set. It's time, I'm ready and it will happen. Maybe he's not the one, but he could be.

Jinx jinx jinx. Too bad!

Overanalyzing Again

I don't know why I'm still nitpicking on my relationship with John (G), but I am. I guess it comes out of the frustration of having to start dating all over again, and not feeling that spark or compatibility with anyone new. And when we start new, after something that we thought was good, we end up always comparing it to that one before. I'm looking for that best friend again, someone that makes me laugh, someone that I'm dying to call when something good or bad happens, someone I can be happy laying around with saying or doing absolutely nothing. And it's all his fault.

Last night, I got annoyed. I'm angry all over again. First of all, from the very beginning, I told him that since neither one of us were relocateable, that we would never be more than friends. He was warned not to romance me or pursue me because it would probably work; and he swore he wasn't, but of course, he was. You don't talk on the phone for hours at a time, several times a day, emailing and IMing in between those calls, with just a friend. He knew he was reeling me in.

And I'm also angry that he chickened out when we both realized it was so much more. I finally allowed myself to become attached and rely on him and love him, and he admitted those feelings for me, and he gave me my movie moment, and then he bailed. We finally got to the visit where our real feelings were out in the open and we were able to express and enjoy them while physically together and he got scared and pushed me away. He used the excuse that we got carried away, as a reaction to my health crisis. But I knew...I knew he couldn't deal with these feelings and not being able to be with me because of the distance. He dragged me into this and then wussied out.

Lastly, I'm pissed at him to figure out that I've been no different than every other sucker that falls for him. Every last one of us believes that we're special, believes that they have a best friend in him, believes that we would make such a great family together. It's a shtick. Yes, I was the only one to get an "I love you" out of him, as more than a friendly "luv ya," but it was fleeting. It pains me to know that he may just lump me in with the rest of the spreadsheet, that I was just one more foolish woman that got carried away, thinking we were something more than the rest.

Mostly, I'm pissed at myself for allowing this to happen and for those weak moments when I still regret not being able to be with him and dream of being at peace with our picket fence in Stepford and our happy ending.