What a week...and I'm so glad it's over. I just reread that last post and I realize that a lot of what I regret saying are complaints. I hate to complain. I don't "vent." I hate feeling like I'm whining. I always add a caveat before I speak or warn the person I'm speaking to that "I don't like to be negative, but..."
You know what? Too bad. If the shit is hitting the fan, the boss should know. And she should help me and not look at me like "why are you telling me and what the hell do you expect me to do about it?" I'm a work in progress here. I do not have 10 years of management experience and she knows that. How does she know that? Because she promoted me and she held back that promotion a good long time, until recently. Yes, there's much I can and should figure out on my own. But I run my group fairly autonomously and if I get to the point where I'm telling her something is a problem, then, for me, it's obvious that I need some direction for my next step. She's not another buddy that I need for venting. I'm not a ventor.
And outside of work, sometime life really does suck. My cup will always be half full, but the half that's empty is really kicking me in the ass. It's hard to keep quiet and take it like a trooper, all the time. On some days - ok, periodically throughout the day - I may get bitchy or anxious or sarcastic or just plain batty. And yes, I may complain about my job or my home or my parents or my clothes or my looks. I may complain, incessantly, on one given day. I shouldn't have to apologize or warn people that they are about to hear crap come flying out of my mouth. No one does that for me when I hear it. But still, I do.
Why do I feel this need to apologize or warn or feel guilty or embarrassed for being negative or complaining? Because I know how I feel being on the receiving end. I hate it. I find it horribly annoying to listen to people complain for hours on end about how life sucks. I was the one prompting my buddies and cousins to see the half of their cup that was full, to grab life by the balls and be happy. I want that back. I want to feel that happiness, that verve, that zest, that optimism. Yet, I don't. And I hate that. So, I apologize.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Stop the Ride
No big post here. I'm all over the place. I don't feel like me. And I want me back. I like the quirkiness I've always seemed to have, but now it's not so cute. I feel crazy.
I want to take life as it comes. I want to feel passionate about things, without flipping out. I don't want to panic. I don't want to act and then later wonder what the heck I did and said and why. I want to just stop and relax and not worry about what the world must be thinking.
I want to take life as it comes. I want to feel passionate about things, without flipping out. I don't want to panic. I don't want to act and then later wonder what the heck I did and said and why. I want to just stop and relax and not worry about what the world must be thinking.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Remember Me?
Yesterday, I was reminded of why my ex-husband stopped taking me to the movies 10 years ago. I cry. And I don't just cry where everyone else in the theater does. I'll cry at 10 minutes after the quirky touching scene - after the film itself has moved on. And I'll cry for a good hour after the movie is over wondering why my life can't be like that if it was a really good one.
I've always loved the movies but it's been a while since I've been in "the zone." I completely disappear and become a part of the movie and completely emotionally involved with the characters, or even become one of those characters. I analyze the moments, the players, the colors, backgrounds, music, clothing and imagine where the scenes would go if not constricted by Hollywood - if this were not a film what would be going on.
Sometimes, I become that person up there on the screen. My brain will take me deeper into his psyche, his past or future and then I have analyzed him so much that I lost track of the storyline altogether. I may be left in tears or elated or so emotionally charged that I'm empowered for the next week. I can also be left disheartened for two.
Yesterday was a double feature. First was Sideways. I wanted to know what the hype was about and I'll give you the quick "overrated" for Oscar-worthiness, but they were VERY REAL characters. How many of us geeks or schlubs get stuck with these troublemaking cool friends for a lifetime that we picked up in high school or college that later turn into the schlubs as they age? I know you may be thinking that's not what it was about but I analyze my way, you analyze yours. Back to me...boy did I cry for Miles. I cried throughout the entire film, I could feel his pain at being him.
I was going to go home from there, but knew I needed a pick me upper. The Wedding Date. Oscar-worthy? Hellllll no! Girly fun-worthy? Hellllll ya! A little bit of backwards Pretty Woman and it could've been beefed up some more, but it was just what I needed to cheer me up after the last one. But I cried at this one too, at all different non-sensical moments. A big epiphany given to us women, and one we saw in the commercials, is that we all have the love life we want. And I'm starting to think "uh oh" what am I doing wrong? But then I remember "this is a movie! The screenwriter is not Buddha!" I feel better. It did remind me though about my love for romantic comedies and my need for Dermot Mulroney to be an inch away from my lips with his. But I digress.
Remember me? I'm the one whose husband stopped taking her to the movies because she saw The Mirror Has Two Faces and cried for an hour after, demanding to know why her husband didn't sing to her from the streets. I found her today.
I've always loved the movies but it's been a while since I've been in "the zone." I completely disappear and become a part of the movie and completely emotionally involved with the characters, or even become one of those characters. I analyze the moments, the players, the colors, backgrounds, music, clothing and imagine where the scenes would go if not constricted by Hollywood - if this were not a film what would be going on.
Sometimes, I become that person up there on the screen. My brain will take me deeper into his psyche, his past or future and then I have analyzed him so much that I lost track of the storyline altogether. I may be left in tears or elated or so emotionally charged that I'm empowered for the next week. I can also be left disheartened for two.
Yesterday was a double feature. First was Sideways. I wanted to know what the hype was about and I'll give you the quick "overrated" for Oscar-worthiness, but they were VERY REAL characters. How many of us geeks or schlubs get stuck with these troublemaking cool friends for a lifetime that we picked up in high school or college that later turn into the schlubs as they age? I know you may be thinking that's not what it was about but I analyze my way, you analyze yours. Back to me...boy did I cry for Miles. I cried throughout the entire film, I could feel his pain at being him.
I was going to go home from there, but knew I needed a pick me upper. The Wedding Date. Oscar-worthy? Hellllll no! Girly fun-worthy? Hellllll ya! A little bit of backwards Pretty Woman and it could've been beefed up some more, but it was just what I needed to cheer me up after the last one. But I cried at this one too, at all different non-sensical moments. A big epiphany given to us women, and one we saw in the commercials, is that we all have the love life we want. And I'm starting to think "uh oh" what am I doing wrong? But then I remember "this is a movie! The screenwriter is not Buddha!" I feel better. It did remind me though about my love for romantic comedies and my need for Dermot Mulroney to be an inch away from my lips with his. But I digress.
Remember me? I'm the one whose husband stopped taking her to the movies because she saw The Mirror Has Two Faces and cried for an hour after, demanding to know why her husband didn't sing to her from the streets. I found her today.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Breakthroughs
Breakthrough 1: If people are going to read this, I may want to update it every now and then. I just discovered that my new friend has linked to my blog from his blog. How very kind! Let's hope that the gentleman I called a wack never finds his way here.
Breakthrough 2: I realized that I really don't like who I seem to be becoming. I always knew I didn't like what I look like, but now I'm not so sure I even like my personality. I'm turning into my aunts and cousins - the ones that think they're helping you out with constructive criticism and leave you balled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room crying your eyes out.
Breakthrough 3: It's all my mom's fault. The stereotypical scenario of a psychological breakthrough usually involves discovering it's your mom's fault so it shouldn't have been too much of a breakthrough.
Breakthrough 2: I realized that I really don't like who I seem to be becoming. I always knew I didn't like what I look like, but now I'm not so sure I even like my personality. I'm turning into my aunts and cousins - the ones that think they're helping you out with constructive criticism and leave you balled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room crying your eyes out.
Breakthrough 3: It's all my mom's fault. The stereotypical scenario of a psychological breakthrough usually involves discovering it's your mom's fault so it shouldn't have been too much of a breakthrough.
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