The bell that ends the match

Should I stay or should I go was answered for me when the text message came in "Helene, u should know that we never had sex but guess he thinks like Clinton. Can do other stuff but as long as it's not that, he did nothing wrong."

In one simple text message, this woman who was seeing my fiance behind my back for almost four months gave me what the man who claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me did not...closure. I begged him for the truth - begged him to lay it on the line for me, letting him know I needed his brutal honesty to help me move on, to please do it for me. Again, he swore nothing happened, not even a kiss.

It's painful to learn that it was worse than Clinton...this insecure and egotistical weak man picked up a woman at a bar where his band played and pursued her romantically. The oral sex was just icing on the cake, I suppose. He said all the right things a woman wants to hear, made all the romantic gestures, sent love letters and poems, left notes for her with the hostess of the restaurant she was going to with friends. He PURSUED her, it wasn't something that happened at the heat of the moment or during a drunken night out. He went out looking for a relationship.

The truth is that I had been looking to leave for a long time, two months in fact. I'd been out with a realtor and confided in a few friends that I would be leaving him when I found the right home. But as soon as he told me he thought it was over, I tried to restore hope...the fighter in me jumping up from the mat for a few last punches. And he was questioning his decision, I could see it. Yet, he was still holding back and I knew that if he truly were still in love with me and didn't have someone else, that he would've fallen for it. The point that he was still resistant, combined with his history of cheating at the end of his previous two major relationships with justification stories behind it, told me that something was going on.

I did my homework...only too well. Sometimes it's better not to know the whole truth because it can haunt you. So a couple of my friends had told me to stop digging, and have given me an "I told you so" since. But for me, as much as this hurts, I needed to know the truth. A fighter needs to hear the bell to give themselves permission to stop trying to get up.

The text message was the bell that ended the match. I'm feeling my bruises and questioning my moves but I'll heal and move on. I didn't intend my romantic life to be a death match. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Should I stay or should I go? It should have never been questioned, after I'd made my own decision two months ago. The only decision left to make is where to and how soon.

Back to Movie Logic

Sometimes being analytical and logical can be a bad thing. In this case, sometimes means in matters of the heart. Try to break down your relationship into what works and doesn't work, your compatibility and flexibility, your desires and goals for the future and you may find that it's great on paper. You may also find that it sucks on paper. But what happens when it falls short in the mathematical equation of a good relationship and your heart won't let you hear it?

The logical part of the brain - the left side - tells you run, run for the hills! But the feeling, creative, imaginative part - the right side - tells you he loves you and you love him and anything is possible when there's love. Can you figure out that it's those right brained folks that write those beatiful romance novels?

That right side of my brain wants so badly to take the shotgun to the left side of my head and kill the hope. My right side sees hope and love and romance and movie moments. But my dang left side is ruining the movie!

Having read the books on making movies, it's always after the lowest moment in the relationship, the biggest fuck up or betrayal or disappointment, that makes it possible for the reunion so much more joyous. Without the low point in the movie, the high point or resolution can't exist as a contrast.

So there's some logic in a movie formula. For the best moments of your life to exist, you have to know the worst by comparison. No one could understand the true joy and meaning my daughter brings to me without understanding what it felt like to hear I would never have children. No one would understand the relief of the clean bill of health from a regular checkup without understanding the fear of being told I have cancer.

Logic in the movie would say that I would find no greater romantic love than the rediscovery of the great love that was lost.

But here's the analyst coming. This is not a movie. This is life. Life has taught me that movie logic is an escape, not a reality. How many times has my life worked out to the formula of a movie? How often does a man or woman truly change the parts of themselves that cause the conflict, in real life, as opposed to the movies?

And the logical, analytical woman leaves the theater and heads back to real life. She wonders why life can't be like a movie and gets stuck in "analysis paralysis."

Analysis paralysis in business is where you can’t make any forward progress because you bog yourself down in details, tweaking, brainstorming, research and … anything but just getting on with it. Sound familiar?

Here's where I am today...the details are bogging me down from the "should I stay or should I go" decision. Why? Because the two freaking sides of my brain are at war with each other! In the immortal words of Sandy in Grease..."my head is saying 'fool, forget him. My heart is saying don't let go...'"

Ergo, analysis paralysis. Stupid movies!

Just Breathe

My heart aches and the survivor in me tries to find a way to stay afloat, to keep hope alive. But sometimes, in love, hope is what leads women to do stupid things.

We hope the person we love unconditionally will love us back the same way, but that's not always the case. We hope if we try harder or give more of ourselves that the other person will, too; but often no effort comes from him, only blame. We hope that they can't live without us and we are destroyed to find they can. We hope that the text messages are from a friend, knowing they're likely from someone more. We hope that love conquers all, knowing perfectly well it doesn't.

What would I do if I got there...

So I killed a day in line at a Biggest Loser casting call, and it was the first time in my life that I thought I might be too thin. It was also the first time that I lied about my weight by stating it a few pounds heavier than I am.

Anyway, my group interview randomly asked questions to individuals:
1 - why do you want to do this?
2 - what will you do when you're thin?
3 - what has being overweight prevented you from doing?

I got the "why do you want to do this" question and I don't think I picked my best story, but it was truthful. A great big "once and for all, reach the finish line" type of answer...I totally should've played the cancer card.

But here's where I'm going, I had plenty of time to think about my answers to these 3questions, while 10 people were being interviewed before me. And most of my honest answers revolved around having the confidence to pursue things.

So this morning, I'm thinking about whether it's really not being thin that's preventing me from pursuing a better, happier life or if it's just my lack of confidence. Do I really need to be on a reality show to reach the finish line with this? Or do I want those things bad enough to do what I've got to do?

It's not wanting to be thin, it's those things that I see coming with being thin. It's the confidence to say I'm good enough and people will like what I have to say and listen. It's the confidence to say "yeah, I did it and so can they" and feel worthy of inspiring others. That's what I would want to do if I were thin...I'd want to write and speak and motivate and inspire others. Not just to lose weight, but to believe in THEIR own power and ability. To have faith in life working out and the ability to make things happen, and their power to control it.

But the problem is that if I don't believe in my own power, how could I motivate others to take control of their lives and find their power?

Today is the day I need to take control of my life and find my "once and for all" and have the confidence to know that I can make it happen.

I can always record myself on video, too, if I feel the need for a reality show, and I just might.

Stay tuned...

Bitch Tits

I just finished reading...well, listening to "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea" on CD. If you've read the book, get the audio version, you have to hear her read it the way she hears it in her own mind.

Oh, the title of this post...that's her term of endearment for her father. Makes me want to make up some loving nicknames for my own family members.

This one's for Snot Flicker!