Cancer Poster Child

I am just not the poster child for cancer victims. I am not the strong woman everyone sees. Or I don't want to be. How the fuck am I supposed to cheer someone else up? My mother wants to send some woman to talk to me b/c she's got cancer and hasn't got the will to fight it. And I'm so fucking strong that I'm supposed to be her cheerleader? No, I'm not. I told her to find a professional. I am not happy and I am not strong and I want this over. Over damn it and I want to go back to moving forward before this stupid stumbling block got in my way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting it or waiting for it to happen again. I want my bubbly happy go lucky take life as it comes attitude back and I want this day to be over. Today I want to just go home and lay in bed and cry. I want this gone and I want my hair and I want to never deal with this again. And I want someone else to cheer me up and be strong and know how bad this really sucks for me and not expect me to be a role model and not be impressed by my "strength" and just shut up and let me complain.

I just got a call from the hospital, my bloodwork came back with low platelets so the doctor decided I should wait a week before the next chemo. I just called his office and told the nurse it's now or never. I either finish up tomorrow or I'm not coming back for the 6th (which was a lower dosage anyway on a "just in case" procedure, so what's the fucking point!)

I should hear my phone ringing any minute now.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of this bullshit! Put me through the fucking ringer tomorrow, check me in if you have to, give me more transfusions, but with G-d as my witness, this fucking chemo bullshit is done tomorrow!