The Square Peg & The Round Hole

Tonight I hurt my love. I quietly questioned our relationship, when I should've been screaming. He wasn't listening because he didn't want to hear. And I moved on without saying it because I couldn't tell him. Yet, I continued to go through the motions of everything's okay...because I just couldn't let go.

I've gone back and forth in my brain so many times, trying so hard to figure out how to make this relationship work. We've had issue after issue over the past seven months, but the love was there so we kept trying to talk about problems and address them. However, I just kept feeling as though all we're doing is adjusting me to his needs to keep this afloat. And at some point, my needs were identified as my selfishness.

He has been trying to work out giving me one-on-one time, when it's available - a huge problem for me in the relationship - one I did finally scream about until he finally heard the severity of it. But it's been very difficult to find the time to actually nurture and grow this relationship.

And there's just so much of me I was forced to squelch and change at the beginning of the relationship, that I'm not happy about. He's opening more now to allowing those traits back in...but that's just the point. I actually have to wait for him to allow me to be myself? There's something wrong with that. I've worked so hard at tap dancing around his needs and his issues, that I've allowed this to be our priority.

Yet, whenever I try to imagine letting go, moving on, saying goodbye...I just can't. I want to be with him, I want this to work, I want to be with someone that loves me like he does. And I want him to let me love him the way that I feel it...unreserved, unabashed, unadulterated.

Fast forward to where I am today...I am shoving Mr. Square Peg into the round hole of who I am, with every ounce of determination in me. Is this wrong? If we want something bad enough is it so bad to work extra hard to find a way to make it happen? Does it make me stubborn or persistent?

Remember your high school yearbook, you were able to add a quote under your picture? My quote read "there is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen." Guess what time it is.

I love this man, he is a kind, intelligent, gentle, loving and romantic soul. And I want to be with him...I just need to make sure he wants into that round hole as badly as I want the square peg to be there. And I need to know that he can be happy with an imperfect fit, rather than focus on sawing and sanding and carving that round hole down to a square, just so it fits him perfectly.