Inspiration

So often over the years, I've been told I'm an inspiration for my strength. I'd never felt it though. It was easy to be strong, I had no choice. There was no fighting, there was just allowing doctors to do what they needed to and my going through the motions. I didn't have to work that hard or push myself, I just showed up when and where they told me and continued on with the rest of my life as best I could. I suppose I could've become a basket case and shut off the world and stopped going through the motions...I've seen that happen. That's just not me, that didn't come naturally. Following what I'm told is "right," that's me. But I digress.

What do I find an inspiration? The people that go through those motions but do have a choice; that don't "have to" fight for their life or show up, in order to stay alive. They have a plan, a schedule, a set of rules and guidelines for keeping themselves healthy and fit. They go to the gym, without questioning whether the "feel like it" or not. They eat when they're hungry and stop, even when not full, because they know what's appropriate. They drink lots of water, no coffee, don't smoke and take vitamins and supplements. And there's no question or complaint or options. It's just their lifestyle, not a phase or means to an end.

I want that. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to wake up and do what's the best for my health without feeling it's a chore. I want to just go to the gym without mentally justifying not going; and be one of those people that actually enjoys it, not who stares at the clock, hoping it's almost over. I want to eat a serving and not wonder where, when and what I'm going to eat next. I want to enjoy what I eat, but without issues.

But I am who I am, though I can attempt to adjust and work on improving myself. However, I will continue to admire and find inspiration in those that do live the lifestyle without question or contempt. Because as long as I have to get my ass to the gym, and fight for my body to stay healthy and get in shape, then there will always be question and contempt.

The Queen Helene Show

If I sit back and look at my life and my friends and my family and the conversations that take place, it amazes me that I'm not watching a sitcom. The cast of characters is like nothing and everything you'd see on tv. From the annoying mother that lives in her own universe to the sidekick buddy that seems to be flooded with issues. And of course, you have the star of the show, who seems the most centered and "normal" compared to the rest of the cast. But the episode continues on and the comedy unfolds as she does, as well.

I am that leading lady. And just when it feels I'm the centered "normal" one, the phone rings, the door opens, the email arrives and the scene changes. The world around me unfolds and I feel my mind slipping away. The neurosis kicks in and I'm flustered and frenzied and becoming the center of that comedy. Sure, it's funny in hindsight, and funny to my viewers. But now I can feel Frazier Crane's angst as his father insists on keeping the ugly lazy chair in the center of his Ethan Allen living room; or Grace's frustration that she's fallen for another gay guy; or Peter Brady's fear as the lamp breaks, because mom always said "don't play ball in the house." It's only when I remember to take a step off the stage and take a look at the screen, that I can laugh.

Being in the center of a real-life sitcom is actually pretty funny most of the time...and pretty sad and frustrating and complicated at other times. The ability to laugh at yourself, though, is one of the most rewarding and grounding traits a person can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd much rather be a sitcom queen, than a drama queen.

A Different Perspective

Almost three years ago, when I changed cubicles, my new neighbor declared my lack of decoration boring and tacked up this poster of a seal called "A Different Perspective." Only, she hung it upside down - her reasoning being that this would be a different perspective. Two moves later, that same poster hangs in my office on a real wall, still upside down.

Three years ago, I fell in love for the first time since my divorce, with a man I thought was perfect. We seemed so compatible and happy together, had so much fun and great conversation, and amazing chemistry. And when he told me he was having a great time but I wasn't what he was looking for long term, I let the relationship continue. I told myself I was just going to enjoy the moment but most likely I'm sure I was convinced things might change. Even when he went back to his ex-girlfriend, I remained a side dish. Many trials and tribulations and a year later in that relationship, I ceased all contact with him. I was heartbroken but knew that this was the only way for me to get past it.

One year after that, on a whim, I got back in touch. I was going through chemo, a bit reminiscent of happier moments in my life, and sure I could now handle it. We saw each other a couple of times and even played around.

Our contact had been fairly infrequent over this past year, since resuming contact. Every now and then, there's a lengthy chat where I'm reminded of how much I enjoy talking and being with him. Some time ago, caught in a half-joke, he started coming over from time to time, on Tuesday nights. What our Tuesday nights amounted to are, these days, more commonly referred to as "bootie calls."

I'm coming off a year of intense health issues, so am not looking for another drama. I've had two years apart from being with him to process who he is and I'm no longer blinded by the euphoria of new love. And what I'm looking for is a distraction in my life, not a new focus. A long term relationship? Probably not. It's really all a matter of perspective...and today, I'm coming from a different perspective.