Daydreams

I thought about what it would have been like to have you there, going through chemo. I didn't let anyone in, and I didn't want anyone to see me. The one time I had someone with me, I squirmed, so upset that I wouldn't have my privacy. But I daydreamed that you were with me.

My mind was fuzzy, as the Adivan normally did to me. But I opened my eyes and looked at you. You smiled that goofy grin, yet said nothing. I tensed up from the butterflies of the adrenaline rush caused by the anti-histamine. You reached your hand onto my shoulder and massaged it, trying to relax me. I look into your eyes as mine start to tear. I blink the tears down to my cheeks as I drift off, once again.

I fade back into reality and feel those same tears rolling down my cheek. If only.

Another Dedication to the Clueless

I am constantly amazed by people who have no clue who they are. Sure, they can rattle off how they describe themselves, what they do for a living, what they want. But so much of the time, the adjectives are so far off of reality, I wonder where the hell they came up with that.

Yep, back to Jdate. An intelligent, hottie guy contacts me with a one-liner and the back and forth ensue. He flirts, I flirt, the phone number is passed. This man has presented himself as an intellectual, deep, spiritual marlboro man of an adventurer. The voice indicates the wizard has come out from behind the curtain.

He starts by talking about his indian name and Geronimo and dancing with wolves, moves on to his lobbying for the ACLU, switches into the universe will present me with the next experience bullshit, then asks why I think we're opposites.

As I begin to answer, he interrupts with the next question and before I can utter my "well, I..." he throws in a "women are so predictable." I inquire how I'm predictable and he moves on to a different question, why am I so confused? I tell him I'm not confused at all. Apparently my saying it's too early in the call to know if I'm interested makes me confused, since my email showed otherwise. "Sometimes the online and offline personas are not the same," I explained.

He keeps throwing out question after question without letting me answer, gets annoyed that I used the word "passionate" in a way to mean something other than sexual, and pretty much has the entire conversation on his own - putting the words into my mouth. He had the nerve to say "this is why I hate Jewish women" after meeting me on a Jewish dating site and leave me still not knowing why, this morning. He tells me I like to fight and he doesn't want a woman who wants to fight. I said "well, what is it you want? You keep trying to start that fight and making me defend myself." He says "I want peace. I want someone who's laid back and easy going." Good luck there, buddy. I was a lot more laid back until you came along.

Eventually, I discover what's making him mad. The cowardly wizard thought he was getting laid. "You shouldn't flirt if you don't mean it," he says. "I'm a flirt, but what is that supposed to mean?" He responds with a "okay, bye" and hangs up on me.

Amazing to me. This guy says he wants peace, yet he's the one stirring up the conflict. He believes he's this deep spiritual soul, yet he's not got the depth to even ask a single question about who I am or where I've been. He's waiting for the universe to show him the signs for his next adventure, yet he's got no clue how to read them.

If I hadn't just blocked him, I would've told him that before we can explore the world, we have to explore ourselves. And get a clue!

Juggling

So just when I decide no more dating, they come out of the woodwork. So now I need to figure out the math. If I only take my phone calls after 9 pm, and am usually asleep by 10 pm, how do I juggle 4 men calling to chat. I've managed to sneak in an 8:30 "I'm sorry, wanted to go to bed early so called you instead" call, to be available for a 9 o'clock call with the next bachelor. Then I can pretty much count on the night owl to either call at 10 on the nose or wake me up from a deep sleep to chat. There are two others that I've been moving around on different nights. However, at this very moment, I am expecting them both to call.

I've learned not to tell too many stories or I end up doing a "I thought I told you this" followed by "I told you this already? Sorry." Mysterious works, as well as the interview. Ask lots of questions and pay attention to the answers. Make sure you know who said what. I just screwed that up tonight by mentioning the Broadway Mall to the wrong guy. This one would have no clue what that is. It worked out though, he thanked me for telling him about the Nathan's at Broward Mall. Nope, wasn't me.

Anyway, wish me luck. I always sucked at juggling.

An Ode to "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover"

We hear it over and over, but do we really live it. I recently was reminded of that familiar phrase, and again it was proven to be true.

Reaching my final day on jdate, I took a last look at my "matches." One guy looked like a total punk with weird chin hair and cut sleeves, tattoos and earring, and no kids. Sooooo not my type. For kicks, I opened his profile. Interestingly enough, he had great essays, writes, seemed very intelligent, funny and romantic...and he was online.

I shot him a quick email that said "hey, I think we have the same couch." We've chatted online for the past two nights, for a couple of hours each. We actually have a lot in common, plus he's very intellligent, witty and sweet, very much a gentleman and okay with adoption (he was adopted himself). Best of all, we both like pralines 'n cream, admit on our profiles that we're not physically active and prefer the Brady Bunch to Partridge Family.

I don't know if anything will come of this, but just wanted to get back to my original subject. I'm glad I didn't let his appearance stop me from reading his profile and chatting with him.