It's official!

I'm published!

OK, don't get too excited, it's just one short article in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book...but it's official, and I get paid for it. And even better than that, my love for my daughter will be immortalized in print.

Coming in March...

Love - my baby and my honey

On the day to day with my honey - it's still a lot of fawning, but he really has gotten better with adding the more adult physical stuff (e.g., when he is hugging me, he'll throw in a grope). We spend a lot of time in fantasy world talking about what kind of house we want, what we'll do when we're alone, or when the kids are grown and out of our way, etc. I'm able to talk about my issues, but I'm very matter of fact about them, rather than emotionally spilling out...however, from time to time, I have cried to him - over my weight or frustrations with my daughter, anxieties over every doctor's visit. And he has gotten a million times better at listening and reassuring rather than trying to fix things or trying to pretend like problems don't exist, i.e. my health. He also pushed the ex for us to get alone time, and I think that made the world of difference...when we actually at least a night for 2-3 weeks in a row, that's when I really fell in love. No days/nights free from kids means no intimacy - physical or emotional.

I remember being with him while he was on the phone with the ex and she was frantic about something - and apparently his daughter must've bugged her at that same moment, so the ex yelled at her. He hung up and was very upset that she had yelled at his daughter, that he hates when she yells at her. I'm thinking "Hello, I yell at my daughter several times a day...better not tell him I kicked that hole in the wall while screaming at her."
ome, and it's enough for me.

Update from NY

Yesterday I made the mistake of believing 15-20 blocks didn't require a cab, after standing in the TKTS line for an hour plus....and then last night my daughter wanted to walk back from the show, so here we go again. I survived but right now there's something going on in the joint that connects my right leg to my pelvis. And my back needs a chinese woman to walk across it. Today we're going to Chelsea Piers with my ex-sister in law and my nephew. The gals will ice skate while I try to entertain my nephew...was just looking up the Rock n Roll class where they drop in for gymnastics and rock climbing but it's $27...they did it the other day with my cousin, but she works there so it was only half price, didn't know her discount was that large until I just saw the real price.

OK, she's flipping from my nails clicking on the keyboard...time to make the donuts!

A big long one

This is the first time I've finally gotten to sit down and write a big long one...without being distracted by my anxieties, paranoia and planning compulsion. I'm in NY at my brother's place. We got in last night and just came straight here, ordered chinese and passed out. I should've just taken an earlier flight so we would've had the day - but it was Christmas so not sure what we would've done anyway. My honey's daughter and her mom were on the same plane, they're the ones that convinced me to come and to go on the same flight - in the end they showed up as we were boarding so only got a quick hello, visit from his daughter to offer mine a caramel apple in exchange for her video game, and then waited for luggage. They didn't want an earlier flight b/c they actually celebrate Christmas.

Back to me. Not sure where I left off on my updates. I cried the other day over my weight...it's been awhile for that. I'm just so disappointed in myself and feel so out of control. And my guy did try to make me feel better...he thinks he's fat too, so he was encouraging me to look forward to the new year and we'll do it together. But having to lose 10-15 lbs is not the same as 55 lbs. Yep, that's how much weight I've gained back in 6 years. Well I lost 20 during chemo, but that's back with another 10 to boot. I'm so sick of me and what I do to myself. This all really got bad after sorting through every picture I own and seeing how disgusting I was and then how thin I was. And here I am climbing my way back up...there's no more quick fixes other than a lobotomy.

Work is going well...they finally moved my eCommerce responsibilities off of me about a week ago (minus two outstanding projects I need to see through to the end and answering any questions no one else can). Now I'm focusing my efforts on building a new business from scratch. I wrote the basic business plan and my boss said it was awesome and presented it to corporate. It was really exciting just to have her like my business idea...but absolutely incredible that corporate liked it and that she wasn't just blowing sunshine up my ass and I get to make it a reality! I'm doing a lot of research now and laying the foundation for the business. Enough work, I'm on vacation.

Sadly, my sweetie didn't have enough time at his job to take vacation with us...I really will miss him. Things took a complete turnaround and it looks like I've found my keeper. I just am having a hard time with my daughter buying into it. She likes him and his daughter, but is adamant against moving in with him. She's grown used to it being just the two of us, so I understand. He doesn't understand and feels bad that she doesn't like him (not the case) - he wants everyone to be excited if we move in together. There's a whole comfort zone and privacy that's completely different from not liking someone. And I'm sure she can't even explain why she feels like this...just that she's not comfortable living with him. She gave me an example of "what if you're not home and I want to take a shower"? I told her I was pretty sure he's not a perv...but the fact is that she showers in my room now, and has breakfast in my bed, and doesn't have to knock to come in (she said that one). It will be a total adjustment, but I have to start breaking her of these habits now if we want to do this next summer. We just had our first real sleepover with all of us, and I think we need more of these for her to get used to having him around.

So if I missed a part in the middle, we are talking futures - I told him I won't move in without a ring, and won't set a date without living together first. And as scary as it is, we're going to have to buy a new place. We can't practice in his place b/c my child will resent his lack of room for her stuff, and I'll resent that it's HIS place and decorated in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and fan crap. There's a lot of risk involved and that's very scary for a gal like me, being so independent. But I'm listening to 7 habits of highly effective people on CD and it says being interdependent is more mature than independent...and it doesn't make me dependent or co dependent. The we instead of the me. :-)

OK, my child is out of bed and getting ready so I think I need to be doing the same. Hope you made it through in one sitting b/c it means you had a few minutes of quiet to yourself.

Big mean bully

Nothing very much to say but if my ex planted a damn smile on his face I wouldn't recognize him. How nice to honor me with his presence at our daughter's figure skating party for her friends, but when I sent a text looking for him at the rink, he actually yelled at me. Apparently, he's not a big fan of the text message. "Stop with the texts! Stop! Just stop!" I was just offering you pizza, ya big dumb fuck.

On a positive note, he got saddled with 10 tweens with many issues and dramas that kept everyone up all night long. Ain't karma a bitch?

F-A-T

I came across this blog at f-a-t.blogspot.com and I think they're very on to something. Like I posted as a comment on the blog over there, I'm convinced that OCD meds would make a significant impact for people who have serious eating problems. Seriously, it's COMPULSIVE eating...you really don't need to delve into whether my mother hugged me enough and come to some closure with a traumatic event to solve my problem. There's just no answer to how this happened that will make it stop...unless it's a physical issue that can be handled with drugs. Eh, not in the mood to ramble or explain myself.

That's all.

Accommodating is not Compromising

You know, I've come to accept that everybody's got something. As the saying goes, nobody's perfect. I'll even admit, that I've got my quirks, as well. But when and how often do I have to give up what I want or need because someone else has "issues"?

Let's return to "compromise" as a way to handle things. To review, what is a compromise? Well, some could see it as I win a little - you win a little. But I choose to face the reality - we both lose, neither one of us gets exactly what we want. I can live with a compromise a good deal of the time, but not all the time. Because it means I never get what I want.

In many cases, this "compromise" is actually a misnomer. Someone believes they're asking me to compromise with them when, in fact, they're really asking me to just accommodate them. I'm really somewhat easy going most of the time...eh, whatever. But make my life difficult or put me in a bad situation because of your issue, and I'm done. Not only am I done accommodating, I'm done compromising.

I've recently found that although people believe they're accommodating me by going along with the activity I chose or including other people they wouldn't prefer, they're actually punishing me for doing so - torturing me with comments about what's wrong with what we're doing or how they hate the other person or the big "Whatever" (translation: fuck you) attitude. It's a passive-aggressive way to fight the win. If I'm going to lose, I'm sure as hell not going to let you enjoy your win.

I'm really headed to a breaking point where there is no more accommodating irrational issues (what issues ARE rational, really?)...no more worrying about someone getting pissed because I've included my boyfriend in plans. I do not OWE anyone but my child one-on-one time - reality is that if they were also involved with someone, they'd never even ask me for that time. If you're thinking that's not true, it means you're not in a relationship right now...ask yourself again when you're in a relationship.

After that, I'm going to give up trying to hang out with more than one friend at a time. Apparently, I attract friends that don't seem to attract each other. If they can't respect me enough to keep their comments to themselves, I can't respect them enough to listen. Know that when you insult my friend or family, you insult me.

I'm going to stop my rant now...as of today, despite my earlier post that made it like I always have to get my own way, I'm still open to compromise and even accommodation. Just not always - don't take it for granted and don't take advantage. Show me respect, chill out with the issues, accommodate me every now and then without torturing me about it, and then everything else will fall into place. Hey, learn a lesson from the last post...we might eventually find our synergy and then, we both win.

It fits, it fits!

Nope, not a post about losing weight and my old clothes fitting again...someday we'll see that post. This one's about that square peg. Sometime between then and now, those sharp edges smoothed out and the round hole embraced the peg and locked it into place.

I'm sure you've heard that compromise is the key to any relationship. That's bullshit. Sure, you'll compromise from time to time when you can't get your way, but not EVERY TIME. That's a lose-lose situation. Nobody gets what they want. Ideally, there's a synergy where you both want exactly the same things, and then it's win-win...everybody gets what they want. But there will be times where you will allow the other person to win. Just remember that each person needs a turn at winning.

Does this necessarily mean someone loses if the other person wins when you don't want the same things? In my case, it didn't. His letting me win was the catalyst for his turn to win and in turn a catalyst for my win again and it became a wonderful cycle.

In one or two areas, we definitely did not see eye to eye. He told me that I needed to compromise. I told him that when we're sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sometimes we meet in the middle, but other times I come over to his side of the couch...every now and then, he needs to come over to my side of the couch, too.

And that's what made all the difference. When he pushed himself to visit me on my side of the couch, I was so happy to see him there that I followed him back to his side. And his seeing me on his side made him so happy that he hopped back over to mine some more...before we knew it, we no longer had to visit each other on opposite sides. We found our synergy.

So here we are today, happier than ever and planning to stay that way for a long, long time to come. The moral of the story......we'll all get along much better if I just get my way.

The relationship update

We met on Jdate back in March and have been together since. He's very sweet, the most romantic man I've ever met, a talented piano/keyboard musician, has a daughter that's a month older than mine, has never been married. He's Israeli but was raised down here from 5 years old. He's got hair issues...he's a band guy that cut his long hair off about 2 years ago and hates it, so is trying to grow it back and it's a major to-do every morning. I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he's recently joined a new band and makes his debut next week, I'm very excited.

We've had a very rocky road trying to make this work with some obstacles. But seemingly overnight, we seemed to have work out the biggest issues and learned that it's not always about compromise, but about doing what the other person wants or likes from time to time. And we've finally found a cycle that continues to work magic. Sex was a big issue for us - he felt like I demanded it constantly, but just couldn't turn it on and off...if he doesn't feel my love for him, he doesn't want it. And, I couldn't feel the romance if I didn't feel wanted. I asked him to try to be a little dirty from time to time...and to make time for us to be alone (had his daughter EVERY weekend). He took steps to meet my needs and in turn I felt more romantic...and that made him very horny...and that made me more in love. It was a continuous chain reaction/cycle that led us to our happy place. I love him. :-)

Here's where I am

I got a promotion back in early September, that was supposed to kick in October 1. But since they were never able to find my replacement, I didn't get to move into that role. I got fidgety enough that I called a meeting with the President to see how I could use some down time to get started for her. She gave me a template for creating a business plan and, following the outline, came up with the basics for her to review before I went too far into it. She loved it! I've been working with her to complete it while they come up with a contingency plan since they couldn't replace me. I officially start on December 1st, and my new boss (the Pres) is up in Minnesota today presenting my business plan to our parent company.

Things had taken a turn for the worse with my sweetie until he discovered that I'd removed all traces of him from my MySpace page and wanted to know if we'd broken up. We had a really serious talk where I had my "out" right in front of my face - but I just didn't want it. And he finally was face to face with how unhappy I truly had been. It's like he'd stuck his head in the sand to it. I needed him to push to get some time for us to be alone, and I also needed him to face the hard stuff...whenever I talked about my health issues, it was as if he didn't hear. I let him know that although I'm strong, I need to know that I don't have to be, that I need his encouragement when I have doctor's appointments - I may seem matter of fact, but I have panic attacks every visit, test and phone call.

And...he needed to be a little dirty. He really has been trying and the funniest freaking story ever is that he sent me a text message a few days after that conversation that said "I want to lick your clit." Of course, I laugh at this since it's out of character. So I go to show a friend at dinner (with the kids) and then the phone rings - it's the ex calling to talk to my daughter. I give her the phone and when she ends the call, she sees the dirty message! Here I go trying to explain what a clit is and why he'd want to lick it and how it's all just a funny joke b/c I like to tease him what a goody goody he is. Ugh! I had to make her swear on my life not to tell anyone.

Anyway, we went on a Royal Caribbean cruise for the weekend and got back yesterday. We had such a great time - AND great sex. :-) He's definitely getting dirtier and in return I'm getting more romantic, so we're finally in sync with each other's needs. He may be a geek for it, but I'm so glad to have found someone that appreciates the dorky activities like sing-alongs, trivia contests, tacky revue shows, etc. The only thing down side was that I like to gamble and he doesn't so I was pretty self conscious about enjoying it when we did go to the casino for about an hour. Also, he likes to sleep in so I'd just disappear with a book in the mornings until I could convince him to wake up before the breakfast buffet closed. In hindsight, I should've gone to the pool, knowing now that he wouldn't want to go at all.

So before I've gone on longer than you can read in a lifetime, we are finally talking more seriously about what comes next. We're thinking about moving in together after the school year is out, but he knows that I won't do it without a ring and he's happy about that - he actually wants to get engaged. Now, that's okay...but I won't set a date until we've lived together long enough that I'm confident it works. And I don't want to keep talking about it with him, because then it won't be a surprise. I'm a hopeless romantic dork no matter what he believes.

Don't want to come home!

We went on a Royal Caribbean 3 night cruise to the Bahamas that left on Friday. We had an amazing time and hated having to come home. I'm really happy to say that things are better than ever - it took my almost breaking up with him to bring us both to a better place.

That's what I want

OK, cool new thing I just discovered called Pay Per Post. Now I can whore my writing skills out to the highest bidder and make money by blogging. Looks like easy money since I spend half my life on the internet anyway...and a good deal of the time I'm telling people what they should be doing with their lives, so why not put all that stuff right here.

First rule of the game is I can't go 30 days without a post and I have to have 20 posts in the last 90 days. Time to fill in the gaps. Stay tuned, folks.

The Square Peg & The Round Hole

Tonight I hurt my love. I quietly questioned our relationship, when I should've been screaming. He wasn't listening because he didn't want to hear. And I moved on without saying it because I couldn't tell him. Yet, I continued to go through the motions of everything's okay...because I just couldn't let go.

I've gone back and forth in my brain so many times, trying so hard to figure out how to make this relationship work. We've had issue after issue over the past seven months, but the love was there so we kept trying to talk about problems and address them. However, I just kept feeling as though all we're doing is adjusting me to his needs to keep this afloat. And at some point, my needs were identified as my selfishness.

He has been trying to work out giving me one-on-one time, when it's available - a huge problem for me in the relationship - one I did finally scream about until he finally heard the severity of it. But it's been very difficult to find the time to actually nurture and grow this relationship.

And there's just so much of me I was forced to squelch and change at the beginning of the relationship, that I'm not happy about. He's opening more now to allowing those traits back in...but that's just the point. I actually have to wait for him to allow me to be myself? There's something wrong with that. I've worked so hard at tap dancing around his needs and his issues, that I've allowed this to be our priority.

Yet, whenever I try to imagine letting go, moving on, saying goodbye...I just can't. I want to be with him, I want this to work, I want to be with someone that loves me like he does. And I want him to let me love him the way that I feel it...unreserved, unabashed, unadulterated.

Fast forward to where I am today...I am shoving Mr. Square Peg into the round hole of who I am, with every ounce of determination in me. Is this wrong? If we want something bad enough is it so bad to work extra hard to find a way to make it happen? Does it make me stubborn or persistent?

Remember your high school yearbook, you were able to add a quote under your picture? My quote read "there is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen." Guess what time it is.

I love this man, he is a kind, intelligent, gentle, loving and romantic soul. And I want to be with him...I just need to make sure he wants into that round hole as badly as I want the square peg to be there. And I need to know that he can be happy with an imperfect fit, rather than focus on sawing and sanding and carving that round hole down to a square, just so it fits him perfectly.

HeartWords Daily Digest

I stare at the screen knowing I need to write, but the words just don't come. I listen to friends talk and express emotion and can't put my own into words. It's a lonely thought believing that no one could possibly get you, but how could they when you can't convey what's going on inside your brain?

You may read this and think this is about pain. Sometimes, it is. And other times it's annoyance or frustration or anger or insolence. There's more - it's not just what hurts, but what feels good, too. Like the bursting blast of energy I get when something exciting has happened. I can't even speak as fast as the thoughts fly through my head. Or when I'm feeling that awe-filled sense of where I am - seeing another day, being mommy, enjoying a girls night out - when you can step away from the moment to appreciate the true value.

That's what's so great about writing. It's as simple as putting those thoughts down as they come. You can skip a sentence or two and come back or just keep typing those ramblings without censorship and go back later to edit and re-edit. The paper or laptop won't look at you with stares of confusion or start asking questions or giving advice or opinions when you really just need to express yourself. And you can review your writing and realize what you've left out instead of having to go over and over again when your audience doesn't know what the heck you're talking about because somehow in your exciting rant, sentences have failed to leave your brain through your mouth.

I may just be confusing you now, but it's good to feel my fingers moving over the keyboard, trying to catch up to the racing thoughts. It's funny that the blank screen so quickly fills when one thought leads to the next. And just think, this all started because I got my HeartWords daily digest reminding me that I need to participate.

When An Attention Whore Needs Privacy

You know when you really need to write? You've got all this stuff in your head and feel like you've got get it out. And over the past year or two, you've lost the ability to actually write with a pen and paper and the only place that makes sense is to blog it. However, you're very aware that there are real people out there who read your blog.

If you're an attention whore like me, you really don't give a shit about the strangers or online buddies who only know your alter-cyber-ego. It's the friends or family members or boyfriends that you shared your blog address with when you had a moment of weakness and pride. So Gayle, I love you, but step away from the computer.

There's just too much to go over and I think I've learned that I can't stop writing, but I can stop writing here...at least about the stuff that's been keeping me from writing, period.

I Wanna Know What Love Is...

In high school, I imagined losing my virginity with the Foreignor song playing in the background, while the man I was with made soft sweet love to me and whispered in my ear "I love you" and held me close.

Mix a big dumb third-string football player with a naive college freshman and it's a far cry from the fantasy I'd held just a few weeks earlier when I left for school.

Eventually, I met my soon-to-be ex-husband and it was a bit better than my first time had been. Some moments were more romantic than others, and there were one or two of those that even brought me to tears. But I never had that "Foreignor/soft sweet making love" experience with him or anyone else since our divorce five years ago...until last night.

He and I were definitely not having a great night - I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but I fought back tears most of the evening. He was too self-conscious to let me know he wasn't feeling well, so I took it personally when he wouldn't taste my cooking, and even more personally when he'd rebuffed my advances.

Everyone has their baggage and their hot buttons. Mine is being rejected by the man I'm with...my ex-husband had rejected my sexual advances over and over, during the course of our 11 years together. The men I've gotten close to, since my divorce, have all had extremely large sexual appetites - probably why I favored them. So even now, I'm still very sensitive to that kind of rejection, as I discovered last night.

A couple of hours of my quietly suffering emotionally and his quietly panicking at my distance, I finally opened up and let him in. He tried to explain why he'd rejected me, but I interrupted to let him know that it wasn't necessary - this was my insecurity. He volunteered his own worries and insecurities and we tried to assuage each other's fears by sharing our feelings. He promised to always taste my cooking; and I promised that I'd never leave him for a pretty boy.

And then he made love to me. He held me close, whispered "I love you" and I returned the sentiment. "I love you so much," he said, barely audible. I thought back to that dream, that wish of how it would be my first time. "I have waited for you for so long," I told him. I heard Foreignor playing that song in my mind, as they'd played it in my fantasies so many years ago. It wasn't quite the "first time," but it was truly my first time and it was so much better than I'd ever imagined.

List of Issues

1. Any slightest hint of femininity in a man convinces me that people will think he's gay and I'm stupid for making the same mistake twice.
   
2. I go into panic disorder if my schedule is off...I know it takes X amount of minutes to get ready and if I haven't started at X+2, then I'm panicking. Heaven help me if it's someone else's fault we're running late and I have no control to put us back on schedule.
   
3. Clutter - can't stand clutter and collections that run out of control without orderly display or storage. (You'd understand this one if you ever saw the house I grew up in.)
   
4. I'll never take a shower with a man because gravity only makes my stomach and boobs ten times worse...not to mention the light in the bathroom.
   
5. Although I seem very direct and honest, I'm more likely to say nothing and be frustrated silently than risk a confrontation with someone.
   
6. No matter how much I hate being overweight and how much I swear I'll follow the plan, some days it's a compulsion I can't control.
   
7. I'm actually incredibly embarrassed by my health history. I hate being the poster child for Cancer Survivor because I don't feel like I did anything to make that happen. I'm not proud of it, I feel horribly guilty that I survived while so many others did not.
   
8. I have these "timeline" rules for my life. I'd decided that I needed to meet my husband by 20, so I could be engaged by 22 and married by 24, and have my first child at 26. When I knew it wouldn't last, I couldn't get divorced until I'd been married one year for each $10K spent on my wedding. Then I knew I couldn't have a relationship until at least a year after the divorce and I'd have to date someone at least two years before getting married again. And now that I'm falling for someone, I figure I couldn't possibly be "in love" since it's only been a month and I haven't quite calculated the appropriate period of time where it's real and not just novelty or excitement or concept or want.

Dear Michelle

There are days I really need you on my time zone because I want to talk about something that I just can't talk to anyone else about but of course this only happens at 8 a.m. and I wouldn't dream of waking your household. And then I move on to the office or whatever, trying to wait it out, but my attention deficit kicks in and I don't remember that I wanted to talk to you until bedtime when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion.

Every 6 months, I go through my scanning and sonograms and poking and prodding, over about 4 - 5 different appointments. Today was the last of the tests before the appointment next week for my exam where my gynecological oncologist lets me know the results of all the tests. During the sonogram, they take so many pictures and keep moving around and typing and backing up and doing over or so it seems to me...so I was a little panicked, this morning. They totally should've done the test, then had me stay and talk to the doctor, letting him read the results right away. But no, I had to leave there imaging that all that typing was scary stuff and I was calling to tell you that I was terrified. I hate these fucking tests and I'm happily healthy until the moment I need to have a sonogram and then I'm dying again. Nice, positive attitude, eh? Of course there's the Everyday Normal Helene who thinks "this is really a pain in the ass, I need to get back to work, why are they wasting my time, there's nothing there." And then there's Panic Disorder Helene who's imagining her funeral and how sad my baby will be after I'm gone and will Jorge let my parents see Rachel often enough or will he give them a hard time and start fights and and and....

you get the picture.

Anyway, thanks for being there to let me vent and I know you're reading this and are at the other end of my spillage.

Where the Hell is My Happy Place?

This is the point of the weekend that we no longer appreciate it being the weekend at all. The Sunday Night Blues have begun and there's no pretending that work isn't just around the corner. My eyes are drooping from the exhaustion that comes with the "I don't want Saturday night to end" dance. The problem with going to sleep is that we're one step closer to Monday morning. And Monday morning means work, and that's not where my happy place is.

I searched high and low all weekend for my happy place. Friday night I was suffering from "I hate my job" syndrome, and truly believing that misery loves company, I invited my friend over so we could be cry to each other...and then eat. A nice little visit to the diner and we were much happier. Saturday morning I tried yoga for the first time, and I really had a momentary spiritual awakening where happy thoughts flowed through my mind, almost bringing me to tears. Later that afternoon, I treated myself to a facial that was a little bit of Heaven while my zits were being popped. The topper was shaking up the dating strategy by going out with a man 6 years younger, with no kids, and then taking him home for my own pleasure.

As lovely as that sounds, this is the point where the downward spiral begins. I remembered why I don't do first date sex, have one night stands, don't date younger men, and don't stay awake past 10 pm most nights. The Sunday Night Blues has enveloped me and tomorrow I move from Happy Place to Fake Happy Face. Flashbacks of a strange naked man in my bed not living up to my hopes and premonitions of debates with my boss and another senior manager will replace the sheep that I should be counting as I hit the sack.

So much for positive thoughts and my happy place. But this is my own fault, I'm letting it happen. I need to take a stand and say no to these thoughts and not let them in. And in that process, I will learn to appreciate Sunday nights and Monday mornings and deal with the fact that I'm fighting myself and could possibly have split-personality disorder.

And with that, ladies and gentleman, good night.

Kelly LeBrock

I'm sitting here watching the finale of Celebrity Fit Club 3 and thinking I can do that. But it's apparent that it's just not that easy. Kelly LeBrock lost 31 pounds in 100 days. That's really not unrealistic. It's less than 2 pounds a week. So can I do it? Can I be Kelly LeBrock? Can I get my head in a place where I'm not the me I've been, but be the me I've always dreamt of becoming? Every path begins with a first step, so I've got to put the first foot forward and follow one after the other. She looks absolutely gorgeous. There's no reason I can't feel the same.

Early morning ramblings from NY

It’s 5:32 am on Sunday morning. My brother works the overnight and didn’t want to wake us, so asked me to call when I was up so he could come home and go to sleep. When I called, it sounded like he was at a bar and having a grand old time – he’s not coming home just yet.

I wanted to run my online programs but, for some reason, the network I tapped into yesterday is not showing up. It came through when I walked away from the computer for a minute, so I’m not sure what the issue is.

The coffee’s ready, and I’ll be up now for awhile before Rachel wakes up. She’s turning but I know it’s too early to encourage her to actually open her eyes. And I can’t wait for the surprise. I want to have my camera ready for it. It snowed while we slept. There aren’t huge blankets, but with the view from my brother’s place of warehouse roofs and the park, it looks that way. At first, I hadn’t even noticed the snow on the balcony ledge then table and chairs.

The wind is howling, but Brad told me to expect that – it’s what happens when you’re on the 10th floor of the highest building in the area, facing a …what is it? a lake? ... in the middle of winter. Rachel asked me to make sure the sliding glass door was closed, thinking the opening was causing the noise. The door is closed and locked. And the heat is on high.

I’m nice and cozy for now, but I imagine that little world will come crumbling down as soon as we hit the street. We’re all headed to the city to visit my aunt and uncle for brunch. On the way, we’ll pick up Daniel, my nephew. Thinking about all this is worrying me – Brad needs to get a few hours sleep, especially since he had an abbreviated sleep yesterday, coming to get us from the airport and entertain. We’ll never get there on time if Brad can’t wake up. And I’m sure his ex will pick a fight if he’s late to pick up Daniel.

The wireless network seems to be back, but the connection to the internet is not quite there. Once it is, it’s back to auto-surfing for me. Nope, not so lucky today – got a false positive there for a moment. And on top of that, we’re out of Equal. This baby’s coming with me to the city – I have to find that hot spot.

Life Update Part I

I’m writing this while sitting on the plane, headed up to New York. Unless the battery dies out, I can’t use the excuse that I didn’t have time to write a complete update on my life. I’ll take it a topic at a time covering the usual – diet/fitness, men, work, health and miscellaneous.

Diet/Fitness: I’ve been rock solid on working out, people would be amazed to see me as that gung ho weight training addict. I guess I’m just afraid if I stop or go off-track, it’ll be permanent. Going on this trip, I allowed myself one week to deviate from the plan. I’m doing the plan from BodyRx which I hear is just like Body for Life and there are four 6-week cycles. I’m in the middle of cycle two. The days I was available this week, I just did cardio, so I wouldn’t have an incomplete plan week. I’ll pick back up with the weight training when I get back, starting a new week.

Unfortunately, I still can’t get my act together on the food. I’d gained 5 lbs. over Christmas vacation, and this week started off well…but ended with a Cold Stone Creamery bang. Not sure how to get my head back where it needs to be.

Men: Well, I had 2 men being juggled as December began, with a clear front runner in my interest and interest in me – too bad they weren’t one and the same. Bachelor #1 turned into Christmas vacation boyfriend and then disappeared into thin air. Bachelor #2 I didn’t pay much attention to, but he hung in there – he even told me he’d worried that I might’ve met someone else since I didn’t get in touch with him. I set him straight that I won’t chase a man, and figured he’d given up since he hadn’t called me. Since Bachelor #1 disappeared, I’ve resumed with Bachelor #2 a little more regularly.

Problem - Bachelor #1 is the one I had the major attraction for, but wasn’t great relationship material. Bachelor #2 I don’t have much attraction for, but he is great relationship material. I’m hanging in there with him, hoping I’ll feel better about him after spending more time together. The parenting/work schedules don’t facilitate that much. Better slow, I suppose. Bachelor #2 already has faced my firing line when I confronted him on being bothered by his interrupting me – told me he’s glad I mentioned it and that it helps him to know. Bachelor #1 I got back in touch with because I needed his help for computer stuff (that’s what he does for a living), but I suppose there was some hidden agenda that I wanted to see what the heck happened to him – we talked computer geek stuff and then I asked him and he played like he didn’t know what I was referring to and hemmed and hawed about being really busy and having issues with his son. I just changed the subject. In the end it doesn’t matter – he’s obviously “just not that into” me.

And of course we can’t forget John. I haven’t seen him since just after the hurricane, so that’s about 2 months. We’ve started talking more frequently, because I got him into the auto-surfing/high risk web investments I’ve been doing. It’s friendly and business-ey mostly, but every now and then playful – if you catch my drift. We talk about getting together but this is another one where schedules don’t work well, and I’m not desperate. It’s nothing but booty, so I’m not thinking more of it.

Dangit, the seats in planes go back so far - with the guy in front of me, I can’t even open the laptop completely.

Work: Oh the drama. Things seem to be progressing, but I put my foot in my mouth by telling my boss my honest feelings about my raise. She thought I’d be really excited because she was so proud that they finally were able to raise me to what they determined my salary range to be, in their compensation study. However, I admitted that I’d actually felt slighted - the salary range is $X to $X+20,000. My new salary was $X-$80. She said “I can’t believe you’re complaining over $80. I told her it was principle…thanks to the market adjustment, I really didn’t get a merit raise at all despite my exceptional performance review. That raise would’ve happened anyway due to the market adjustment…she said that wasn’t the case b/c there were still people left that are under market – were too high a difference to get to market rate right now. I also said that if the value of my position is "this" - "that" and my pay was $80 below "this", then what does that say about my value to the company? Anyhow, it resulted in upsetting my boss…I wasn’t sure if it was frustration with me that she did so much and couldn’t please me or just feeling bad that I felt bad. I assured her over and over how grateful I am to her, for all that she’s done to help me get where I am today – not just money, but position and respectability and developing me.

Fast forward a few weeks later – this week there’s a minor restructuring in the company and they hand my boss, the VP, another department to run in addition to what she’s got. They determine she’s just got too much responsibility and she’s got to give a department up. Guess who? Right. She assured me that it had nothing to do with what happened with the salaries and she’ll always be there to bounce ideas off of, if I have questions.

So now, my new boss is the a new director that they hired about 3 months ago. There was a huge hubbub over her coming in because basically they left out any background information on her and just told us that she was a friend and former colleague of the President and Vice President that has been home for 5 years raising her kids – she’s my age, looks young and all we know is that she’s worked with them at a previous company. Interestingly enough, we were becoming friendly and even went to lunch last week…I told her a lot of stuff I might not have been so frank about had I known she was about to become my boss. She knew at the time. After my current boss told me the news and what it would mean, the new boss came to talk to me and address what she imagined my concerns to be - I'm going to skip the details on here for confidentiality purposes. Long story short, I told her “you tell what I need to learn and do to get to [the next level]and I’ll get there in 18 months," that I wouldn’t need two years. She smiled and said “I have no doubt.” Stay tuned!

Health: No complaints, no problems, great news.

Miscellaneous: I think you’ve read enough.