If you somehow come across this post on this blog unknown to you, take it as a sign that it was meant for you to read this.
So you would have no regrets as you did for all those years before we "found" each other again, you said "I love you, Helene" as you said goodbye. Responding to that would have been selfish on my part, so I let your words become our final words.
I hope and believe that, in your heart and mind, you know...I love you, too.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Gratitude Has A Following
As a daily reminder to myself, I began posting "gratitude" messages as my status on Facebook. It turns out that these are much more appreciated than status updates about what I'm working on, watching on TV, planning to do for the day or thinking for a moment.
It just occurred to me that if my brief status update of gratitude can get people going, then imagine what can be done with a full blog post.
Firstly, here's my disclosure statement. Reread my first sentence and you'll see my gratitude messages were intended as daily reminders to myself. So in writing these blog posts, I'm hoping to push myself even further into remembering to be grateful for my life and the people, places and things in it.
If you happen to come across my blog or status update, and it affects you in some way, then that's just icing on the cake. I hope that it may inspire you to do the same and pass the feelings on to someone else.
Now, I can't promise that I'm any different or better than some of the awesome inspirational and self-motivating blogs or websites out there. I can only promise that I'm sharing my own thoughts and feelings and hopes, and that I do hope to affect someone else in a positive way, every so often.
It just occurred to me that if my brief status update of gratitude can get people going, then imagine what can be done with a full blog post.
Firstly, here's my disclosure statement. Reread my first sentence and you'll see my gratitude messages were intended as daily reminders to myself. So in writing these blog posts, I'm hoping to push myself even further into remembering to be grateful for my life and the people, places and things in it.
If you happen to come across my blog or status update, and it affects you in some way, then that's just icing on the cake. I hope that it may inspire you to do the same and pass the feelings on to someone else.
Now, I can't promise that I'm any different or better than some of the awesome inspirational and self-motivating blogs or websites out there. I can only promise that I'm sharing my own thoughts and feelings and hopes, and that I do hope to affect someone else in a positive way, every so often.
Monday, July 27, 2009
It's been awhile...
Over four months have passed since my last post so I wonder if I have let too much of my rollercoaster of emotions slip by undocumented. If this blog is a time capsule of where I've been, are there some blackouts? Or maybe it was just so much of the same sentiment as the last post written that nothing new could be said.
It's true that I have hovered over the borderline between "over it" and "but, what if," for a very long time. But as I inch closer to moving back to my own home, I feel more hopefulness towards my new beginning than avoiding the ending. I'm truly looking forward to "what if's" of my future and letting go of him, without hate and resentment.
Spending time with someone new has reminded me of what I knew when I had chosen to leave so many months ago...that I could laugh again, that I would feel passion again, that just being myself could be impressive enough.
Who knows where this will go or if it'll go past today. I may have moments of reflection that pulls me back for an instant, but hope has always driven me forward and I have many more moments of hope these days.
It just feels good to feel good again.
It's true that I have hovered over the borderline between "over it" and "but, what if," for a very long time. But as I inch closer to moving back to my own home, I feel more hopefulness towards my new beginning than avoiding the ending. I'm truly looking forward to "what if's" of my future and letting go of him, without hate and resentment.
Spending time with someone new has reminded me of what I knew when I had chosen to leave so many months ago...that I could laugh again, that I would feel passion again, that just being myself could be impressive enough.
Who knows where this will go or if it'll go past today. I may have moments of reflection that pulls me back for an instant, but hope has always driven me forward and I have many more moments of hope these days.
It just feels good to feel good again.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Truth
The truth is that love doesn't just go away overnight because you're angry with a person and it doesn't just stop because you want it to.
The truth is that I'm still glad to see his car in the lot when I pull in.
The truth is that I try to find excuses to talk to him during the day.
The truth is that I miss his looking at me, smiling and sighing.
The truth is that I would do anything to turn back the clock and not know some of the things I now know and have learned some of the other things a bit sooner.
The truth is that I wish I could have let go when I really needed to...let go of my ego, let go of my resentment, let go of my defenses.
The truth is that I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.
The truth is that I would do things so much differently despite how hard I believed I worked at this, and despite his being so much to blame.
The truth is that it hurts to sit beside him in the car and not hold his hand.
The truth is that I long to feel him spooning me when I lay in bed at night.
The truth is that knowing I will love again doesn't make this pain go away.
The truth is that I'm still glad to see his car in the lot when I pull in.
The truth is that I try to find excuses to talk to him during the day.
The truth is that I miss his looking at me, smiling and sighing.
The truth is that I would do anything to turn back the clock and not know some of the things I now know and have learned some of the other things a bit sooner.
The truth is that I wish I could have let go when I really needed to...let go of my ego, let go of my resentment, let go of my defenses.
The truth is that I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.
The truth is that I would do things so much differently despite how hard I believed I worked at this, and despite his being so much to blame.
The truth is that it hurts to sit beside him in the car and not hold his hand.
The truth is that I long to feel him spooning me when I lay in bed at night.
The truth is that knowing I will love again doesn't make this pain go away.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The bell that ends the match
Should I stay or should I go was answered for me when the text message came in "Helene, u should know that we never had sex but guess he thinks like Clinton. Can do other stuff but as long as it's not that, he did nothing wrong."
In one simple text message, this woman who was seeing my fiance behind my back for almost four months gave me what the man who claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me did not...closure. I begged him for the truth - begged him to lay it on the line for me, letting him know I needed his brutal honesty to help me move on, to please do it for me. Again, he swore nothing happened, not even a kiss.
It's painful to learn that it was worse than Clinton...this insecure and egotistical weak man picked up a woman at a bar where his band played and pursued her romantically. The oral sex was just icing on the cake, I suppose. He said all the right things a woman wants to hear, made all the romantic gestures, sent love letters and poems, left notes for her with the hostess of the restaurant she was going to with friends. He PURSUED her, it wasn't something that happened at the heat of the moment or during a drunken night out. He went out looking for a relationship.
The truth is that I had been looking to leave for a long time, two months in fact. I'd been out with a realtor and confided in a few friends that I would be leaving him when I found the right home. But as soon as he told me he thought it was over, I tried to restore hope...the fighter in me jumping up from the mat for a few last punches. And he was questioning his decision, I could see it. Yet, he was still holding back and I knew that if he truly were still in love with me and didn't have someone else, that he would've fallen for it. The point that he was still resistant, combined with his history of cheating at the end of his previous two major relationships with justification stories behind it, told me that something was going on.
I did my homework...only too well. Sometimes it's better not to know the whole truth because it can haunt you. So a couple of my friends had told me to stop digging, and have given me an "I told you so" since. But for me, as much as this hurts, I needed to know the truth. A fighter needs to hear the bell to give themselves permission to stop trying to get up.
The text message was the bell that ended the match. I'm feeling my bruises and questioning my moves but I'll heal and move on. I didn't intend my romantic life to be a death match. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Should I stay or should I go? It should have never been questioned, after I'd made my own decision two months ago. The only decision left to make is where to and how soon.
In one simple text message, this woman who was seeing my fiance behind my back for almost four months gave me what the man who claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me did not...closure. I begged him for the truth - begged him to lay it on the line for me, letting him know I needed his brutal honesty to help me move on, to please do it for me. Again, he swore nothing happened, not even a kiss.
It's painful to learn that it was worse than Clinton...this insecure and egotistical weak man picked up a woman at a bar where his band played and pursued her romantically. The oral sex was just icing on the cake, I suppose. He said all the right things a woman wants to hear, made all the romantic gestures, sent love letters and poems, left notes for her with the hostess of the restaurant she was going to with friends. He PURSUED her, it wasn't something that happened at the heat of the moment or during a drunken night out. He went out looking for a relationship.
The truth is that I had been looking to leave for a long time, two months in fact. I'd been out with a realtor and confided in a few friends that I would be leaving him when I found the right home. But as soon as he told me he thought it was over, I tried to restore hope...the fighter in me jumping up from the mat for a few last punches. And he was questioning his decision, I could see it. Yet, he was still holding back and I knew that if he truly were still in love with me and didn't have someone else, that he would've fallen for it. The point that he was still resistant, combined with his history of cheating at the end of his previous two major relationships with justification stories behind it, told me that something was going on.
I did my homework...only too well. Sometimes it's better not to know the whole truth because it can haunt you. So a couple of my friends had told me to stop digging, and have given me an "I told you so" since. But for me, as much as this hurts, I needed to know the truth. A fighter needs to hear the bell to give themselves permission to stop trying to get up.
The text message was the bell that ended the match. I'm feeling my bruises and questioning my moves but I'll heal and move on. I didn't intend my romantic life to be a death match. I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Should I stay or should I go? It should have never been questioned, after I'd made my own decision two months ago. The only decision left to make is where to and how soon.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Back to Movie Logic
Sometimes being analytical and logical can be a bad thing. In this case, sometimes means in matters of the heart. Try to break down your relationship into what works and doesn't work, your compatibility and flexibility, your desires and goals for the future and you may find that it's great on paper. You may also find that it sucks on paper. But what happens when it falls short in the mathematical equation of a good relationship and your heart won't let you hear it?
The logical part of the brain - the left side - tells you run, run for the hills! But the feeling, creative, imaginative part - the right side - tells you he loves you and you love him and anything is possible when there's love. Can you figure out that it's those right brained folks that write those beatiful romance novels?
That right side of my brain wants so badly to take the shotgun to the left side of my head and kill the hope. My right side sees hope and love and romance and movie moments. But my dang left side is ruining the movie!
Having read the books on making movies, it's always after the lowest moment in the relationship, the biggest fuck up or betrayal or disappointment, that makes it possible for the reunion so much more joyous. Without the low point in the movie, the high point or resolution can't exist as a contrast.
So there's some logic in a movie formula. For the best moments of your life to exist, you have to know the worst by comparison. No one could understand the true joy and meaning my daughter brings to me without understanding what it felt like to hear I would never have children. No one would understand the relief of the clean bill of health from a regular checkup without understanding the fear of being told I have cancer.
Logic in the movie would say that I would find no greater romantic love than the rediscovery of the great love that was lost.
But here's the analyst coming. This is not a movie. This is life. Life has taught me that movie logic is an escape, not a reality. How many times has my life worked out to the formula of a movie? How often does a man or woman truly change the parts of themselves that cause the conflict, in real life, as opposed to the movies?
And the logical, analytical woman leaves the theater and heads back to real life. She wonders why life can't be like a movie and gets stuck in "analysis paralysis."
Analysis paralysis in business is where you can’t make any forward progress because you bog yourself down in details, tweaking, brainstorming, research and … anything but just getting on with it. Sound familiar?
Here's where I am today...the details are bogging me down from the "should I stay or should I go" decision. Why? Because the two freaking sides of my brain are at war with each other! In the immortal words of Sandy in Grease..."my head is saying 'fool, forget him. My heart is saying don't let go...'"
Ergo, analysis paralysis. Stupid movies!
The logical part of the brain - the left side - tells you run, run for the hills! But the feeling, creative, imaginative part - the right side - tells you he loves you and you love him and anything is possible when there's love. Can you figure out that it's those right brained folks that write those beatiful romance novels?
That right side of my brain wants so badly to take the shotgun to the left side of my head and kill the hope. My right side sees hope and love and romance and movie moments. But my dang left side is ruining the movie!
Having read the books on making movies, it's always after the lowest moment in the relationship, the biggest fuck up or betrayal or disappointment, that makes it possible for the reunion so much more joyous. Without the low point in the movie, the high point or resolution can't exist as a contrast.
So there's some logic in a movie formula. For the best moments of your life to exist, you have to know the worst by comparison. No one could understand the true joy and meaning my daughter brings to me without understanding what it felt like to hear I would never have children. No one would understand the relief of the clean bill of health from a regular checkup without understanding the fear of being told I have cancer.
Logic in the movie would say that I would find no greater romantic love than the rediscovery of the great love that was lost.
But here's the analyst coming. This is not a movie. This is life. Life has taught me that movie logic is an escape, not a reality. How many times has my life worked out to the formula of a movie? How often does a man or woman truly change the parts of themselves that cause the conflict, in real life, as opposed to the movies?
And the logical, analytical woman leaves the theater and heads back to real life. She wonders why life can't be like a movie and gets stuck in "analysis paralysis."
Analysis paralysis in business is where you can’t make any forward progress because you bog yourself down in details, tweaking, brainstorming, research and … anything but just getting on with it. Sound familiar?
Here's where I am today...the details are bogging me down from the "should I stay or should I go" decision. Why? Because the two freaking sides of my brain are at war with each other! In the immortal words of Sandy in Grease..."my head is saying 'fool, forget him. My heart is saying don't let go...'"
Ergo, analysis paralysis. Stupid movies!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Just Breathe
My heart aches and the survivor in me tries to find a way to stay afloat, to keep hope alive. But sometimes, in love, hope is what leads women to do stupid things.
We hope the person we love unconditionally will love us back the same way, but that's not always the case. We hope if we try harder or give more of ourselves that the other person will, too; but often no effort comes from him, only blame. We hope that they can't live without us and we are destroyed to find they can. We hope that the text messages are from a friend, knowing they're likely from someone more. We hope that love conquers all, knowing perfectly well it doesn't.
We hope the person we love unconditionally will love us back the same way, but that's not always the case. We hope if we try harder or give more of ourselves that the other person will, too; but often no effort comes from him, only blame. We hope that they can't live without us and we are destroyed to find they can. We hope that the text messages are from a friend, knowing they're likely from someone more. We hope that love conquers all, knowing perfectly well it doesn't.
Monday, March 09, 2009
What would I do if I got there...
So I killed a day in line at a Biggest Loser casting call, and it was the first time in my life that I thought I might be too thin. It was also the first time that I lied about my weight by stating it a few pounds heavier than I am.
Anyway, my group interview randomly asked questions to individuals:
1 - why do you want to do this?
2 - what will you do when you're thin?
3 - what has being overweight prevented you from doing?
I got the "why do you want to do this" question and I don't think I picked my best story, but it was truthful. A great big "once and for all, reach the finish line" type of answer...I totally should've played the cancer card.
But here's where I'm going, I had plenty of time to think about my answers to these 3questions, while 10 people were being interviewed before me. And most of my honest answers revolved around having the confidence to pursue things.
So this morning, I'm thinking about whether it's really not being thin that's preventing me from pursuing a better, happier life or if it's just my lack of confidence. Do I really need to be on a reality show to reach the finish line with this? Or do I want those things bad enough to do what I've got to do?
It's not wanting to be thin, it's those things that I see coming with being thin. It's the confidence to say I'm good enough and people will like what I have to say and listen. It's the confidence to say "yeah, I did it and so can they" and feel worthy of inspiring others. That's what I would want to do if I were thin...I'd want to write and speak and motivate and inspire others. Not just to lose weight, but to believe in THEIR own power and ability. To have faith in life working out and the ability to make things happen, and their power to control it.
But the problem is that if I don't believe in my own power, how could I motivate others to take control of their lives and find their power?
Today is the day I need to take control of my life and find my "once and for all" and have the confidence to know that I can make it happen.
I can always record myself on video, too, if I feel the need for a reality show, and I just might.
Stay tuned...
Anyway, my group interview randomly asked questions to individuals:
1 - why do you want to do this?
2 - what will you do when you're thin?
3 - what has being overweight prevented you from doing?
I got the "why do you want to do this" question and I don't think I picked my best story, but it was truthful. A great big "once and for all, reach the finish line" type of answer...I totally should've played the cancer card.
But here's where I'm going, I had plenty of time to think about my answers to these 3questions, while 10 people were being interviewed before me. And most of my honest answers revolved around having the confidence to pursue things.
So this morning, I'm thinking about whether it's really not being thin that's preventing me from pursuing a better, happier life or if it's just my lack of confidence. Do I really need to be on a reality show to reach the finish line with this? Or do I want those things bad enough to do what I've got to do?
It's not wanting to be thin, it's those things that I see coming with being thin. It's the confidence to say I'm good enough and people will like what I have to say and listen. It's the confidence to say "yeah, I did it and so can they" and feel worthy of inspiring others. That's what I would want to do if I were thin...I'd want to write and speak and motivate and inspire others. Not just to lose weight, but to believe in THEIR own power and ability. To have faith in life working out and the ability to make things happen, and their power to control it.
But the problem is that if I don't believe in my own power, how could I motivate others to take control of their lives and find their power?
Today is the day I need to take control of my life and find my "once and for all" and have the confidence to know that I can make it happen.
I can always record myself on video, too, if I feel the need for a reality show, and I just might.
Stay tuned...
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Bitch Tits
I just finished reading...well, listening to "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea" on CD. If you've read the book, get the audio version, you have to hear her read it the way she hears it in her own mind.
Oh, the title of this post...that's her term of endearment for her father. Makes me want to make up some loving nicknames for my own family members.
This one's for Snot Flicker!
Oh, the title of this post...that's her term of endearment for her father. Makes me want to make up some loving nicknames for my own family members.
This one's for Snot Flicker!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Untitled Nonsense - Dedicated to Gayle, My One Loyal Reader
So how does one get their sense of humor back?
I used to pride myself on being funny. Now, I wasn't the funniest in the bunch. Over the years, I came across plenty of folks funnier than I am, but still I knew I had a great sense of humor and was good at making people laugh.
I just don't feel like the funny girl anymore. Where the hell did my sense of humor go? When did I start censoring myself to cracking a joke here and there rather than going for it at every opportune moment?
I know, let's blame it on my significant other. It's all his fault. If a lacking sense of humor is contagious, and I've spent enough time with him to catch any disease he may be carrying, this seems like a valid diagnosis. That bastard.
Do you think if I swab my nostrils with some Zicam I'll be funny again...or is the homeopathic stuff not strong enough for this symptom.
Hey, there's something to move us along. It's a symptom, not a disease. So if my sluggish sense of humor is a symptom, what the heck is the problem...and what's the cure?
So let's go to the whiteboard that House uses to come up with a diagnosis.
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Okay, so House usually just has one symptom on the board to start with. If you fast forward on the DVR, you'll get to some other symptoms. Let's FF.
Insert White Board Here
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Hmmmm, seems to me like House would now diagnose me with depression or some kind of personality disorder. That is, until I started puking blood and sweating from my toenails.
OMG, I have a rash! There's something really going on here...back to the whiteboard!
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Rash on belly
Crap, just remembered...I ran out of my fragrance free fabric softener last week and had to do a load with the pretty smelling stuff.
Cross out "rash on belly." Wish I knew HTML for cross outs.
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Rash on belly
G-d I love Google!
Anyway, since Gayle's 70% effaced and her cervix is as open as a fingertip, and I want to get there in time for the delivery of my goddaughter, I'll FF to the end of this episode of House.
It's a personality disorder, in the end. But my significant other's. His personality is draining me of my joy and and my sense of humor. I really have it in me to be funny, and it's about time for me to come back to me and not relying on his attitude towards me to determine my own happiness.
Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and he will have missed the chance to have my contagiousness spread the joy to him.
Wait, not nice to blame. Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and it will be a result of my choosing happiness despite circumstances around me!
I used to pride myself on being funny. Now, I wasn't the funniest in the bunch. Over the years, I came across plenty of folks funnier than I am, but still I knew I had a great sense of humor and was good at making people laugh.
I just don't feel like the funny girl anymore. Where the hell did my sense of humor go? When did I start censoring myself to cracking a joke here and there rather than going for it at every opportune moment?
I know, let's blame it on my significant other. It's all his fault. If a lacking sense of humor is contagious, and I've spent enough time with him to catch any disease he may be carrying, this seems like a valid diagnosis. That bastard.
Do you think if I swab my nostrils with some Zicam I'll be funny again...or is the homeopathic stuff not strong enough for this symptom.
Hey, there's something to move us along. It's a symptom, not a disease. So if my sluggish sense of humor is a symptom, what the heck is the problem...and what's the cure?
So let's go to the whiteboard that House uses to come up with a diagnosis.
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Okay, so House usually just has one symptom on the board to start with. If you fast forward on the DVR, you'll get to some other symptoms. Let's FF.
Insert White Board Here
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Hmmmm, seems to me like House would now diagnose me with depression or some kind of personality disorder. That is, until I started puking blood and sweating from my toenails.
OMG, I have a rash! There's something really going on here...back to the whiteboard!
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Rash on belly
Crap, just remembered...I ran out of my fragrance free fabric softener last week and had to do a load with the pretty smelling stuff.
Cross out "rash on belly." Wish I knew HTML for cross outs.
Symptoms
Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
G-d I love Google!
Anyway, since Gayle's 70% effaced and her cervix is as open as a fingertip, and I want to get there in time for the delivery of my goddaughter, I'll FF to the end of this episode of House.
It's a personality disorder, in the end. But my significant other's. His personality is draining me of my joy and and my sense of humor. I really have it in me to be funny, and it's about time for me to come back to me and not relying on his attitude towards me to determine my own happiness.
Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and he will have missed the chance to have my contagiousness spread the joy to him.
Wait, not nice to blame. Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and it will be a result of my choosing happiness despite circumstances around me!
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