I nodded my head the whole time I was reading the story of her hair falling out. It was so close to the play by play I experienced. I had full wavy hair halfway down my back, I had great hair. Men loved my hair, that sexy touseled look.

I knew it was going to fall out when the chemo started, yet everyone liked to boost me up with an "it doesn't happen to everybody" speech that included one exception or another. But I knew it was only a matter of time.

The doctor told me it wouldn't start until after the second treatment, but it started about a week before. My mom had asked me to go wig shopping a week earlier, and I yelled at her to leave me alone until I actually needed it. It wasn't a fun girls day out for me. One week later, I called her. "It's time" I told her through tears.

Two weeks after my first chemo, I ran my hands through my hair and more than a few strands came out. I quickly called a friend, terrified. The next morning, I woke up with the back of my hair matted, and went to brush it. The entire knot came out in my brush. I cried so hard. I thought I had some more time. Not that it would've been any different.

The gentleman at the wig salon was the one that let me know it would all be gone within a couple of days. I thought it would just thin out, I didn't realize it happens so quickly. My "stylist" advised me to just buzz it all off. I couldn't. I had some offers for help, but that meant whoever did it would see me bald. I was determined that no one would see me bald.

Two days later, after the hair was everywhere in the house, in the bed, in the laundry, on the floors, in the sink, I looked into the mirror and grabbed the scissors. I had never had short hair in my life. I went to town and cut the whole head of fuzz down to about an inch. I tried to take my wet/dry razor to it but it got jammed, guess it's not meant for the head. After that, I would not buzz or shave the rest. I had thin sideburns and a patch at the back of my neck. The double sided wig tape cleaned off a section at the top, like a waxing treatment. If I was going to go completely bald, it had to happen on it's own. I wouldn't enable it.

I have a collection of wigs. People joke that I'm addicted. The truth is that none of them look real to me. None of them ARE me. I keep buying the next one hoping that one's going to look or feel better. They never are.

Around the house, I wear bandanas. My daughter accidentally wallked in on me in the shower and I was mortified. She was fine, but I wasn't. I'm okay wearing my "do-rag" in front of friends or family, but despite the multitude of requests, I refuse to show anyone.

Next Thursday is my sixth and last treatment (G-d willing). The doctor told me the hair would start growing back after my fifth, so daily I've been inspecting. I could swear I'm starting to see that blonde peach fuzz developing - which is interesting since I've normally got dark brown hair.

I came onto the web, trying to find out how long it would take to grow back, but there's no consistency. All I can do is wait it out. And I hate that.

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete

3) Get finances under control -

• Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
• Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
• Look into refinancing by 10/31

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel

• Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
• find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1

It's amazing that I've been going crazy, yet I can't get myself to sit down and put my thoughts together into sentences. Maybe it's just like my lack of sharing with people. I'm not even expressing my thoughts on paper (or on the computer), let alone out loud. They just sit in my head, spin around and tear me up.

I don't know what it is or why I'm losing it, but I'm definitely feeling the emotion. I've been bitching since the beginning, but have generally kept a good disposition. Not this week. I'm feeling a big "fuck you" attitude for this crap. I don't want to go anymore and I don't want to put on my happy face. I want my hair back. It's not fun. I can own every wig they make, but it's not me, it's not comfortable and it's not good enough.

I have completely avoided worrying about my future, as far as my health is concerned. My focus is on the here and now, but this week that changed too. Will I have to go through this all over again? How often, how many times, how come?

I will try to get my good attitude back. I will try to choose happiness. But I need to forgive myself for these slips. I don't want to self pity, but I think it's fair to be frustrated. Am I a victim? Hopefully I don't present myself that way. I hate that quality in others so I need to be careful not to fall into that.

Oh well, going to end this post for now. I'm sure there's a lot more floating in my head, but I've got to work it out.