Something just clicked in my brain this morning. I see the quizzical look on my face, in the reflection of the microwave.

Maybe this is it. Maybe this is my time. Maybe this is what I asked for, back then. It's kind of a coincidence that I'm going through this 10 years later, almost exactly to the month. What were the last 10 years about? I bought 10 years to have my two most
awesome dreams come true.

If you asked me 10 years ago what I would want to experience before I die, it would be motherhood and being thin. Okay, so I was thin all of 15 minutes, but still, I got that. And from the day I recovered from the first round of cancer, I was set on becoming a mom. I got that.

I suddenly look around and see my world as something from an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I flash back through the past 10 years as though they were nothing but two major moments. It's very surreal to me.

Maybe this was my gift; 10 more years. G-d gave me what I wished for, over the course of these 10 years. I can't ask for more, but I want it. There's no internal dialogue of "oh, no that's not what I meant." G-d knows. He knows what I want but it's for Him to
decide. The outlook from the doctors is good. But I know my risks and I know it could take one moment on that operating table. My only last wish is not for more time, but to be gentle with me, whichever direction it goes.

I'm just so tired. I'd like to think that I just have not gotten enough sleep since the trip, but I'm afraid that's not it. I could blame it on emotional exhaustion. I felt fine until the biopsy. I had not one cough before then. If not for the wheeze, you'd never know anything was wrong. But not now. I'm coughing and I'm tired. I feel self-conscious at work when I cough, like everyone's thinking "poor thing" because they know. Most probably do know at this point, I really haven't hidden it. I feel it in my chest. I feel like I went out to a smoky bar with the girls last night and had too many cigarettes for the first time in a long time and now I'm suffering the consequences of that day after cough and tickle. I want this over with. I want to know when they're taking it out and I want to get through my recovery period and get back to work. I hate being in limbo. I hate not being able to do anything about it but wait. I hate being so tired.