It's official!

I'm published!

OK, don't get too excited, it's just one short article in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book...but it's official, and I get paid for it. And even better than that, my love for my daughter will be immortalized in print.

Coming in March...

Love - my baby and my honey

On the day to day with my honey - it's still a lot of fawning, but he really has gotten better with adding the more adult physical stuff (e.g., when he is hugging me, he'll throw in a grope). We spend a lot of time in fantasy world talking about what kind of house we want, what we'll do when we're alone, or when the kids are grown and out of our way, etc. I'm able to talk about my issues, but I'm very matter of fact about them, rather than emotionally spilling out...however, from time to time, I have cried to him - over my weight or frustrations with my daughter, anxieties over every doctor's visit. And he has gotten a million times better at listening and reassuring rather than trying to fix things or trying to pretend like problems don't exist, i.e. my health. He also pushed the ex for us to get alone time, and I think that made the world of difference...when we actually at least a night for 2-3 weeks in a row, that's when I really fell in love. No days/nights free from kids means no intimacy - physical or emotional.

I remember being with him while he was on the phone with the ex and she was frantic about something - and apparently his daughter must've bugged her at that same moment, so the ex yelled at her. He hung up and was very upset that she had yelled at his daughter, that he hates when she yells at her. I'm thinking "Hello, I yell at my daughter several times a day...better not tell him I kicked that hole in the wall while screaming at her."
ome, and it's enough for me.

Update from NY

Yesterday I made the mistake of believing 15-20 blocks didn't require a cab, after standing in the TKTS line for an hour plus....and then last night my daughter wanted to walk back from the show, so here we go again. I survived but right now there's something going on in the joint that connects my right leg to my pelvis. And my back needs a chinese woman to walk across it. Today we're going to Chelsea Piers with my ex-sister in law and my nephew. The gals will ice skate while I try to entertain my nephew...was just looking up the Rock n Roll class where they drop in for gymnastics and rock climbing but it's $27...they did it the other day with my cousin, but she works there so it was only half price, didn't know her discount was that large until I just saw the real price.

OK, she's flipping from my nails clicking on the keyboard...time to make the donuts!

A big long one

This is the first time I've finally gotten to sit down and write a big long one...without being distracted by my anxieties, paranoia and planning compulsion. I'm in NY at my brother's place. We got in last night and just came straight here, ordered chinese and passed out. I should've just taken an earlier flight so we would've had the day - but it was Christmas so not sure what we would've done anyway. My honey's daughter and her mom were on the same plane, they're the ones that convinced me to come and to go on the same flight - in the end they showed up as we were boarding so only got a quick hello, visit from his daughter to offer mine a caramel apple in exchange for her video game, and then waited for luggage. They didn't want an earlier flight b/c they actually celebrate Christmas.

Back to me. Not sure where I left off on my updates. I cried the other day over my weight...it's been awhile for that. I'm just so disappointed in myself and feel so out of control. And my guy did try to make me feel better...he thinks he's fat too, so he was encouraging me to look forward to the new year and we'll do it together. But having to lose 10-15 lbs is not the same as 55 lbs. Yep, that's how much weight I've gained back in 6 years. Well I lost 20 during chemo, but that's back with another 10 to boot. I'm so sick of me and what I do to myself. This all really got bad after sorting through every picture I own and seeing how disgusting I was and then how thin I was. And here I am climbing my way back up...there's no more quick fixes other than a lobotomy.

Work is going well...they finally moved my eCommerce responsibilities off of me about a week ago (minus two outstanding projects I need to see through to the end and answering any questions no one else can). Now I'm focusing my efforts on building a new business from scratch. I wrote the basic business plan and my boss said it was awesome and presented it to corporate. It was really exciting just to have her like my business idea...but absolutely incredible that corporate liked it and that she wasn't just blowing sunshine up my ass and I get to make it a reality! I'm doing a lot of research now and laying the foundation for the business. Enough work, I'm on vacation.

Sadly, my sweetie didn't have enough time at his job to take vacation with us...I really will miss him. Things took a complete turnaround and it looks like I've found my keeper. I just am having a hard time with my daughter buying into it. She likes him and his daughter, but is adamant against moving in with him. She's grown used to it being just the two of us, so I understand. He doesn't understand and feels bad that she doesn't like him (not the case) - he wants everyone to be excited if we move in together. There's a whole comfort zone and privacy that's completely different from not liking someone. And I'm sure she can't even explain why she feels like this...just that she's not comfortable living with him. She gave me an example of "what if you're not home and I want to take a shower"? I told her I was pretty sure he's not a perv...but the fact is that she showers in my room now, and has breakfast in my bed, and doesn't have to knock to come in (she said that one). It will be a total adjustment, but I have to start breaking her of these habits now if we want to do this next summer. We just had our first real sleepover with all of us, and I think we need more of these for her to get used to having him around.

So if I missed a part in the middle, we are talking futures - I told him I won't move in without a ring, and won't set a date without living together first. And as scary as it is, we're going to have to buy a new place. We can't practice in his place b/c my child will resent his lack of room for her stuff, and I'll resent that it's HIS place and decorated in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and fan crap. There's a lot of risk involved and that's very scary for a gal like me, being so independent. But I'm listening to 7 habits of highly effective people on CD and it says being interdependent is more mature than independent...and it doesn't make me dependent or co dependent. The we instead of the me. :-)

OK, my child is out of bed and getting ready so I think I need to be doing the same. Hope you made it through in one sitting b/c it means you had a few minutes of quiet to yourself.

Big mean bully

Nothing very much to say but if my ex planted a damn smile on his face I wouldn't recognize him. How nice to honor me with his presence at our daughter's figure skating party for her friends, but when I sent a text looking for him at the rink, he actually yelled at me. Apparently, he's not a big fan of the text message. "Stop with the texts! Stop! Just stop!" I was just offering you pizza, ya big dumb fuck.

On a positive note, he got saddled with 10 tweens with many issues and dramas that kept everyone up all night long. Ain't karma a bitch?

F-A-T

I came across this blog at f-a-t.blogspot.com and I think they're very on to something. Like I posted as a comment on the blog over there, I'm convinced that OCD meds would make a significant impact for people who have serious eating problems. Seriously, it's COMPULSIVE eating...you really don't need to delve into whether my mother hugged me enough and come to some closure with a traumatic event to solve my problem. There's just no answer to how this happened that will make it stop...unless it's a physical issue that can be handled with drugs. Eh, not in the mood to ramble or explain myself.

That's all.

Accommodating is not Compromising

You know, I've come to accept that everybody's got something. As the saying goes, nobody's perfect. I'll even admit, that I've got my quirks, as well. But when and how often do I have to give up what I want or need because someone else has "issues"?

Let's return to "compromise" as a way to handle things. To review, what is a compromise? Well, some could see it as I win a little - you win a little. But I choose to face the reality - we both lose, neither one of us gets exactly what we want. I can live with a compromise a good deal of the time, but not all the time. Because it means I never get what I want.

In many cases, this "compromise" is actually a misnomer. Someone believes they're asking me to compromise with them when, in fact, they're really asking me to just accommodate them. I'm really somewhat easy going most of the time...eh, whatever. But make my life difficult or put me in a bad situation because of your issue, and I'm done. Not only am I done accommodating, I'm done compromising.

I've recently found that although people believe they're accommodating me by going along with the activity I chose or including other people they wouldn't prefer, they're actually punishing me for doing so - torturing me with comments about what's wrong with what we're doing or how they hate the other person or the big "Whatever" (translation: fuck you) attitude. It's a passive-aggressive way to fight the win. If I'm going to lose, I'm sure as hell not going to let you enjoy your win.

I'm really headed to a breaking point where there is no more accommodating irrational issues (what issues ARE rational, really?)...no more worrying about someone getting pissed because I've included my boyfriend in plans. I do not OWE anyone but my child one-on-one time - reality is that if they were also involved with someone, they'd never even ask me for that time. If you're thinking that's not true, it means you're not in a relationship right now...ask yourself again when you're in a relationship.

After that, I'm going to give up trying to hang out with more than one friend at a time. Apparently, I attract friends that don't seem to attract each other. If they can't respect me enough to keep their comments to themselves, I can't respect them enough to listen. Know that when you insult my friend or family, you insult me.

I'm going to stop my rant now...as of today, despite my earlier post that made it like I always have to get my own way, I'm still open to compromise and even accommodation. Just not always - don't take it for granted and don't take advantage. Show me respect, chill out with the issues, accommodate me every now and then without torturing me about it, and then everything else will fall into place. Hey, learn a lesson from the last post...we might eventually find our synergy and then, we both win.

It fits, it fits!

Nope, not a post about losing weight and my old clothes fitting again...someday we'll see that post. This one's about that square peg. Sometime between then and now, those sharp edges smoothed out and the round hole embraced the peg and locked it into place.

I'm sure you've heard that compromise is the key to any relationship. That's bullshit. Sure, you'll compromise from time to time when you can't get your way, but not EVERY TIME. That's a lose-lose situation. Nobody gets what they want. Ideally, there's a synergy where you both want exactly the same things, and then it's win-win...everybody gets what they want. But there will be times where you will allow the other person to win. Just remember that each person needs a turn at winning.

Does this necessarily mean someone loses if the other person wins when you don't want the same things? In my case, it didn't. His letting me win was the catalyst for his turn to win and in turn a catalyst for my win again and it became a wonderful cycle.

In one or two areas, we definitely did not see eye to eye. He told me that I needed to compromise. I told him that when we're sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sometimes we meet in the middle, but other times I come over to his side of the couch...every now and then, he needs to come over to my side of the couch, too.

And that's what made all the difference. When he pushed himself to visit me on my side of the couch, I was so happy to see him there that I followed him back to his side. And his seeing me on his side made him so happy that he hopped back over to mine some more...before we knew it, we no longer had to visit each other on opposite sides. We found our synergy.

So here we are today, happier than ever and planning to stay that way for a long, long time to come. The moral of the story......we'll all get along much better if I just get my way.

The relationship update

We met on Jdate back in March and have been together since. He's very sweet, the most romantic man I've ever met, a talented piano/keyboard musician, has a daughter that's a month older than mine, has never been married. He's Israeli but was raised down here from 5 years old. He's got hair issues...he's a band guy that cut his long hair off about 2 years ago and hates it, so is trying to grow it back and it's a major to-do every morning. I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he's recently joined a new band and makes his debut next week, I'm very excited.

We've had a very rocky road trying to make this work with some obstacles. But seemingly overnight, we seemed to have work out the biggest issues and learned that it's not always about compromise, but about doing what the other person wants or likes from time to time. And we've finally found a cycle that continues to work magic. Sex was a big issue for us - he felt like I demanded it constantly, but just couldn't turn it on and off...if he doesn't feel my love for him, he doesn't want it. And, I couldn't feel the romance if I didn't feel wanted. I asked him to try to be a little dirty from time to time...and to make time for us to be alone (had his daughter EVERY weekend). He took steps to meet my needs and in turn I felt more romantic...and that made him very horny...and that made me more in love. It was a continuous chain reaction/cycle that led us to our happy place. I love him. :-)