A big long one

This is the first time I've finally gotten to sit down and write a big long one...without being distracted by my anxieties, paranoia and planning compulsion. I'm in NY at my brother's place. We got in last night and just came straight here, ordered chinese and passed out. I should've just taken an earlier flight so we would've had the day - but it was Christmas so not sure what we would've done anyway. My honey's daughter and her mom were on the same plane, they're the ones that convinced me to come and to go on the same flight - in the end they showed up as we were boarding so only got a quick hello, visit from his daughter to offer mine a caramel apple in exchange for her video game, and then waited for luggage. They didn't want an earlier flight b/c they actually celebrate Christmas.

Back to me. Not sure where I left off on my updates. I cried the other day over my weight...it's been awhile for that. I'm just so disappointed in myself and feel so out of control. And my guy did try to make me feel better...he thinks he's fat too, so he was encouraging me to look forward to the new year and we'll do it together. But having to lose 10-15 lbs is not the same as 55 lbs. Yep, that's how much weight I've gained back in 6 years. Well I lost 20 during chemo, but that's back with another 10 to boot. I'm so sick of me and what I do to myself. This all really got bad after sorting through every picture I own and seeing how disgusting I was and then how thin I was. And here I am climbing my way back up...there's no more quick fixes other than a lobotomy.

Work is going well...they finally moved my eCommerce responsibilities off of me about a week ago (minus two outstanding projects I need to see through to the end and answering any questions no one else can). Now I'm focusing my efforts on building a new business from scratch. I wrote the basic business plan and my boss said it was awesome and presented it to corporate. It was really exciting just to have her like my business idea...but absolutely incredible that corporate liked it and that she wasn't just blowing sunshine up my ass and I get to make it a reality! I'm doing a lot of research now and laying the foundation for the business. Enough work, I'm on vacation.

Sadly, my sweetie didn't have enough time at his job to take vacation with us...I really will miss him. Things took a complete turnaround and it looks like I've found my keeper. I just am having a hard time with my daughter buying into it. She likes him and his daughter, but is adamant against moving in with him. She's grown used to it being just the two of us, so I understand. He doesn't understand and feels bad that she doesn't like him (not the case) - he wants everyone to be excited if we move in together. There's a whole comfort zone and privacy that's completely different from not liking someone. And I'm sure she can't even explain why she feels like this...just that she's not comfortable living with him. She gave me an example of "what if you're not home and I want to take a shower"? I told her I was pretty sure he's not a perv...but the fact is that she showers in my room now, and has breakfast in my bed, and doesn't have to knock to come in (she said that one). It will be a total adjustment, but I have to start breaking her of these habits now if we want to do this next summer. We just had our first real sleepover with all of us, and I think we need more of these for her to get used to having him around.

So if I missed a part in the middle, we are talking futures - I told him I won't move in without a ring, and won't set a date without living together first. And as scary as it is, we're going to have to buy a new place. We can't practice in his place b/c my child will resent his lack of room for her stuff, and I'll resent that it's HIS place and decorated in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and fan crap. There's a lot of risk involved and that's very scary for a gal like me, being so independent. But I'm listening to 7 habits of highly effective people on CD and it says being interdependent is more mature than independent...and it doesn't make me dependent or co dependent. The we instead of the me. :-)

OK, my child is out of bed and getting ready so I think I need to be doing the same. Hope you made it through in one sitting b/c it means you had a few minutes of quiet to yourself.