A new life...a life in recovery

So it's been over a year since my last post and things have changed.

A new life in a new home and a new-ish body.

In January of 2010, I returned to Overeaters Anonymous after failing the latest greatest "get thin" attempt and gaining back 15 pounds of a 25 pound weight loss.

It didn't stick. I disappeared again after a month.

Over the next few months, there were two instances of showing up to the parking lot but not making it out of the car.

In August, I felt broken. I could not go an entire day without "screwing up." My leg would literally shake as the obsessive compulsive thoughts drummed away in my head with a repetitive "gotta eat" chant. I knew I was sick.

At 190 pounds, I was far from my heaviest weight of 275, but I never felt fatter. I'd gained back 17 pounds and was well on my way back to 199.

199 was my highest weight since my gastric bypass surgery ten years before and the point where I'd hunted down Chantel, a local mini-celeb in the diet and fitness world, to convince her to take me on as a client. I once swore I'd never be 200 pounds again, so 199 was the "uh oh" moment. With Chantel, I was taught to focus on exercise as the key to everything. If you workout 5-6 days a week, you'll want to eat right. I proved her wrong.

Last August, on a Saturday morning, I walked through the doors of an OA meeting and sat in the back of the room. I cried throughout the entire meeting and spoke to no one.

Having been through eating disorder treatment and done the OA thing 18 years before, I was no stranger to the 12 steps and concepts. I wanted abstinence and I wanted to be happy, joyous and free.

I left that meeting but did not find abstinence that day.

"Keep coming back." That's the phrase we hear over and over in the 12 step rooms. I joke from time-to-time "when in doubt, just say 'keep coming back' if you don't know what to say."

So, I did just that. I came back the following Saturday. And I sat in the back of the room and again cried throughout the entire meeting.

I did not find abstinence.

The following Saturday, I returned. I sat in the back, by myself, and cried for the entire meeting.

When I left that day, I said to myself "don't eat until lunchtime...you can make it until lunchtime." Every few minutes I would look at my watch or a clock and see if it was lunchtime yet.

And then it was lunchtime.

When lunchtime was over, I said to myself "don't eat until dinner."

That day I found my abstinence.

I don't take credit for this miracle. If you really knew me then and even now, you'd know that those words do not come naturally or lightly. I'm not a big one for throwing the typical 12-step spiritual awakening lines out there. But that day, and every one since, I believe that G-d did for me what I could not do for myself.

I've come to believe that recognizing and accepting the spiritual and emotional recovery as what I needed the most help with, G-d took over on my physical recovery that day.

I have had abstinence since August 28th, 2010. My disease manifests in a constant need to eat and graze all day long. For that reason, I chose a food plan of 3 meals a day with no snacking (with an occasional planned snack for scheduling or social situations). I also gave up refined sugar and flour, simply because I'd heard others in the room on that plan.

My food plan has evolved as my strength in program has grown and with the help of a nutritionist. I do eat whole wheat flour and am not 100% anal retentive about whether sugar is the 3rd or 5th ingredient on a label.

I have lost around 45 pounds. I was as addicted to the scale as I was to the food, so I now abstain from compulsive weighing. I weigh-in once a week and put the scale back in the closet. I've found having the scale out is the same as sitting at the table for hours with the snack foods in front of me...if it's there, I want it.

As I mentioned, the emotional and spiritual recovery is as critical for me as the physical. I have been through a number of sponsors through the online resources and meetings. I had some really high expectations so it took me a while to even try to find one. The person had to have lost over 100 pounds, be thin and kept the weight off for 20 years. I met someone like that but when I asked her to sponsor me, she told me she wasn't available and pushed me off to a friend. She'd wanted me to call her and work on assignments from the workbook daily. It was more than I could juggle and didn't fit. She lost her abstinence while we were working together and that wasn't comfortable for me. After a month or so, I let her know I couldn't keep up and didn't want to waste her time, so we amicably parted ways.

Finally, I met someone who didn't meet all my requirements - she hadn't lost all the weight yet and hadn't been in program 20 years. However, I related to her personally and found that she "got it" when it came to her program and her sanity. She'd stood up for a 9 month chip at one meeting, then she spoke at the next, and at the next meeting she'd been "stepped up" - meaning she could now sponsor all 12 steps.

I took a chance and asked her if she'd sponsor me. It's a sponsorship and relationship that works for me...I get the guidance I need without the pressure of daily call and assignment due dates. She is as busy as I am and leads a similar "single professional working mom" lifestyle and gets it. We text message.

I'm working my program and the steps. Today, I'm on Step 6. I've learned a lot about myself, and let go of the idea that I don't have emotions and am superwoman strong. I've come to realize that my anxiety and other fears have dominated my life and are what I need most to address for my recovery.

Abstinence is not easy every day, but most days it is. My relationship with G-d has been a matter of "acting as if" and practice. It's become more natural for me to have an internal conversation about surrendering and letting G-d handle what I can not.

Have the promises come true yet? No, but I have faith that they will. Recovery is a journey and I'm grateful to be on the road.