The relationship update

We met on Jdate back in March and have been together since. He's very sweet, the most romantic man I've ever met, a talented piano/keyboard musician, has a daughter that's a month older than mine, has never been married. He's Israeli but was raised down here from 5 years old. He's got hair issues...he's a band guy that cut his long hair off about 2 years ago and hates it, so is trying to grow it back and it's a major to-do every morning. I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he's recently joined a new band and makes his debut next week, I'm very excited.

We've had a very rocky road trying to make this work with some obstacles. But seemingly overnight, we seemed to have work out the biggest issues and learned that it's not always about compromise, but about doing what the other person wants or likes from time to time. And we've finally found a cycle that continues to work magic. Sex was a big issue for us - he felt like I demanded it constantly, but just couldn't turn it on and off...if he doesn't feel my love for him, he doesn't want it. And, I couldn't feel the romance if I didn't feel wanted. I asked him to try to be a little dirty from time to time...and to make time for us to be alone (had his daughter EVERY weekend). He took steps to meet my needs and in turn I felt more romantic...and that made him very horny...and that made me more in love. It was a continuous chain reaction/cycle that led us to our happy place. I love him. :-)

Here's where I am

I got a promotion back in early September, that was supposed to kick in October 1. But since they were never able to find my replacement, I didn't get to move into that role. I got fidgety enough that I called a meeting with the President to see how I could use some down time to get started for her. She gave me a template for creating a business plan and, following the outline, came up with the basics for her to review before I went too far into it. She loved it! I've been working with her to complete it while they come up with a contingency plan since they couldn't replace me. I officially start on December 1st, and my new boss (the Pres) is up in Minnesota today presenting my business plan to our parent company.

Things had taken a turn for the worse with my sweetie until he discovered that I'd removed all traces of him from my MySpace page and wanted to know if we'd broken up. We had a really serious talk where I had my "out" right in front of my face - but I just didn't want it. And he finally was face to face with how unhappy I truly had been. It's like he'd stuck his head in the sand to it. I needed him to push to get some time for us to be alone, and I also needed him to face the hard stuff...whenever I talked about my health issues, it was as if he didn't hear. I let him know that although I'm strong, I need to know that I don't have to be, that I need his encouragement when I have doctor's appointments - I may seem matter of fact, but I have panic attacks every visit, test and phone call.

And...he needed to be a little dirty. He really has been trying and the funniest freaking story ever is that he sent me a text message a few days after that conversation that said "I want to lick your clit." Of course, I laugh at this since it's out of character. So I go to show a friend at dinner (with the kids) and then the phone rings - it's the ex calling to talk to my daughter. I give her the phone and when she ends the call, she sees the dirty message! Here I go trying to explain what a clit is and why he'd want to lick it and how it's all just a funny joke b/c I like to tease him what a goody goody he is. Ugh! I had to make her swear on my life not to tell anyone.

Anyway, we went on a Royal Caribbean cruise for the weekend and got back yesterday. We had such a great time - AND great sex. :-) He's definitely getting dirtier and in return I'm getting more romantic, so we're finally in sync with each other's needs. He may be a geek for it, but I'm so glad to have found someone that appreciates the dorky activities like sing-alongs, trivia contests, tacky revue shows, etc. The only thing down side was that I like to gamble and he doesn't so I was pretty self conscious about enjoying it when we did go to the casino for about an hour. Also, he likes to sleep in so I'd just disappear with a book in the mornings until I could convince him to wake up before the breakfast buffet closed. In hindsight, I should've gone to the pool, knowing now that he wouldn't want to go at all.

So before I've gone on longer than you can read in a lifetime, we are finally talking more seriously about what comes next. We're thinking about moving in together after the school year is out, but he knows that I won't do it without a ring and he's happy about that - he actually wants to get engaged. Now, that's okay...but I won't set a date until we've lived together long enough that I'm confident it works. And I don't want to keep talking about it with him, because then it won't be a surprise. I'm a hopeless romantic dork no matter what he believes.

Don't want to come home!

We went on a Royal Caribbean 3 night cruise to the Bahamas that left on Friday. We had an amazing time and hated having to come home. I'm really happy to say that things are better than ever - it took my almost breaking up with him to bring us both to a better place.

That's what I want

OK, cool new thing I just discovered called Pay Per Post. Now I can whore my writing skills out to the highest bidder and make money by blogging. Looks like easy money since I spend half my life on the internet anyway...and a good deal of the time I'm telling people what they should be doing with their lives, so why not put all that stuff right here.

First rule of the game is I can't go 30 days without a post and I have to have 20 posts in the last 90 days. Time to fill in the gaps. Stay tuned, folks.

The Square Peg & The Round Hole

Tonight I hurt my love. I quietly questioned our relationship, when I should've been screaming. He wasn't listening because he didn't want to hear. And I moved on without saying it because I couldn't tell him. Yet, I continued to go through the motions of everything's okay...because I just couldn't let go.

I've gone back and forth in my brain so many times, trying so hard to figure out how to make this relationship work. We've had issue after issue over the past seven months, but the love was there so we kept trying to talk about problems and address them. However, I just kept feeling as though all we're doing is adjusting me to his needs to keep this afloat. And at some point, my needs were identified as my selfishness.

He has been trying to work out giving me one-on-one time, when it's available - a huge problem for me in the relationship - one I did finally scream about until he finally heard the severity of it. But it's been very difficult to find the time to actually nurture and grow this relationship.

And there's just so much of me I was forced to squelch and change at the beginning of the relationship, that I'm not happy about. He's opening more now to allowing those traits back in...but that's just the point. I actually have to wait for him to allow me to be myself? There's something wrong with that. I've worked so hard at tap dancing around his needs and his issues, that I've allowed this to be our priority.

Yet, whenever I try to imagine letting go, moving on, saying goodbye...I just can't. I want to be with him, I want this to work, I want to be with someone that loves me like he does. And I want him to let me love him the way that I feel it...unreserved, unabashed, unadulterated.

Fast forward to where I am today...I am shoving Mr. Square Peg into the round hole of who I am, with every ounce of determination in me. Is this wrong? If we want something bad enough is it so bad to work extra hard to find a way to make it happen? Does it make me stubborn or persistent?

Remember your high school yearbook, you were able to add a quote under your picture? My quote read "there is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen." Guess what time it is.

I love this man, he is a kind, intelligent, gentle, loving and romantic soul. And I want to be with him...I just need to make sure he wants into that round hole as badly as I want the square peg to be there. And I need to know that he can be happy with an imperfect fit, rather than focus on sawing and sanding and carving that round hole down to a square, just so it fits him perfectly.

HeartWords Daily Digest

I stare at the screen knowing I need to write, but the words just don't come. I listen to friends talk and express emotion and can't put my own into words. It's a lonely thought believing that no one could possibly get you, but how could they when you can't convey what's going on inside your brain?

You may read this and think this is about pain. Sometimes, it is. And other times it's annoyance or frustration or anger or insolence. There's more - it's not just what hurts, but what feels good, too. Like the bursting blast of energy I get when something exciting has happened. I can't even speak as fast as the thoughts fly through my head. Or when I'm feeling that awe-filled sense of where I am - seeing another day, being mommy, enjoying a girls night out - when you can step away from the moment to appreciate the true value.

That's what's so great about writing. It's as simple as putting those thoughts down as they come. You can skip a sentence or two and come back or just keep typing those ramblings without censorship and go back later to edit and re-edit. The paper or laptop won't look at you with stares of confusion or start asking questions or giving advice or opinions when you really just need to express yourself. And you can review your writing and realize what you've left out instead of having to go over and over again when your audience doesn't know what the heck you're talking about because somehow in your exciting rant, sentences have failed to leave your brain through your mouth.

I may just be confusing you now, but it's good to feel my fingers moving over the keyboard, trying to catch up to the racing thoughts. It's funny that the blank screen so quickly fills when one thought leads to the next. And just think, this all started because I got my HeartWords daily digest reminding me that I need to participate.

When An Attention Whore Needs Privacy

You know when you really need to write? You've got all this stuff in your head and feel like you've got get it out. And over the past year or two, you've lost the ability to actually write with a pen and paper and the only place that makes sense is to blog it. However, you're very aware that there are real people out there who read your blog.

If you're an attention whore like me, you really don't give a shit about the strangers or online buddies who only know your alter-cyber-ego. It's the friends or family members or boyfriends that you shared your blog address with when you had a moment of weakness and pride. So Gayle, I love you, but step away from the computer.

There's just too much to go over and I think I've learned that I can't stop writing, but I can stop writing here...at least about the stuff that's been keeping me from writing, period.

I Wanna Know What Love Is...

In high school, I imagined losing my virginity with the Foreignor song playing in the background, while the man I was with made soft sweet love to me and whispered in my ear "I love you" and held me close.

Mix a big dumb third-string football player with a naive college freshman and it's a far cry from the fantasy I'd held just a few weeks earlier when I left for school.

Eventually, I met my soon-to-be ex-husband and it was a bit better than my first time had been. Some moments were more romantic than others, and there were one or two of those that even brought me to tears. But I never had that "Foreignor/soft sweet making love" experience with him or anyone else since our divorce five years ago...until last night.

He and I were definitely not having a great night - I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but I fought back tears most of the evening. He was too self-conscious to let me know he wasn't feeling well, so I took it personally when he wouldn't taste my cooking, and even more personally when he'd rebuffed my advances.

Everyone has their baggage and their hot buttons. Mine is being rejected by the man I'm with...my ex-husband had rejected my sexual advances over and over, during the course of our 11 years together. The men I've gotten close to, since my divorce, have all had extremely large sexual appetites - probably why I favored them. So even now, I'm still very sensitive to that kind of rejection, as I discovered last night.

A couple of hours of my quietly suffering emotionally and his quietly panicking at my distance, I finally opened up and let him in. He tried to explain why he'd rejected me, but I interrupted to let him know that it wasn't necessary - this was my insecurity. He volunteered his own worries and insecurities and we tried to assuage each other's fears by sharing our feelings. He promised to always taste my cooking; and I promised that I'd never leave him for a pretty boy.

And then he made love to me. He held me close, whispered "I love you" and I returned the sentiment. "I love you so much," he said, barely audible. I thought back to that dream, that wish of how it would be my first time. "I have waited for you for so long," I told him. I heard Foreignor playing that song in my mind, as they'd played it in my fantasies so many years ago. It wasn't quite the "first time," but it was truly my first time and it was so much better than I'd ever imagined.

List of Issues

1. Any slightest hint of femininity in a man convinces me that people will think he's gay and I'm stupid for making the same mistake twice.
   
2. I go into panic disorder if my schedule is off...I know it takes X amount of minutes to get ready and if I haven't started at X+2, then I'm panicking. Heaven help me if it's someone else's fault we're running late and I have no control to put us back on schedule.
   
3. Clutter - can't stand clutter and collections that run out of control without orderly display or storage. (You'd understand this one if you ever saw the house I grew up in.)
   
4. I'll never take a shower with a man because gravity only makes my stomach and boobs ten times worse...not to mention the light in the bathroom.
   
5. Although I seem very direct and honest, I'm more likely to say nothing and be frustrated silently than risk a confrontation with someone.
   
6. No matter how much I hate being overweight and how much I swear I'll follow the plan, some days it's a compulsion I can't control.
   
7. I'm actually incredibly embarrassed by my health history. I hate being the poster child for Cancer Survivor because I don't feel like I did anything to make that happen. I'm not proud of it, I feel horribly guilty that I survived while so many others did not.
   
8. I have these "timeline" rules for my life. I'd decided that I needed to meet my husband by 20, so I could be engaged by 22 and married by 24, and have my first child at 26. When I knew it wouldn't last, I couldn't get divorced until I'd been married one year for each $10K spent on my wedding. Then I knew I couldn't have a relationship until at least a year after the divorce and I'd have to date someone at least two years before getting married again. And now that I'm falling for someone, I figure I couldn't possibly be "in love" since it's only been a month and I haven't quite calculated the appropriate period of time where it's real and not just novelty or excitement or concept or want.

Dear Michelle

There are days I really need you on my time zone because I want to talk about something that I just can't talk to anyone else about but of course this only happens at 8 a.m. and I wouldn't dream of waking your household. And then I move on to the office or whatever, trying to wait it out, but my attention deficit kicks in and I don't remember that I wanted to talk to you until bedtime when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion.

Every 6 months, I go through my scanning and sonograms and poking and prodding, over about 4 - 5 different appointments. Today was the last of the tests before the appointment next week for my exam where my gynecological oncologist lets me know the results of all the tests. During the sonogram, they take so many pictures and keep moving around and typing and backing up and doing over or so it seems to me...so I was a little panicked, this morning. They totally should've done the test, then had me stay and talk to the doctor, letting him read the results right away. But no, I had to leave there imaging that all that typing was scary stuff and I was calling to tell you that I was terrified. I hate these fucking tests and I'm happily healthy until the moment I need to have a sonogram and then I'm dying again. Nice, positive attitude, eh? Of course there's the Everyday Normal Helene who thinks "this is really a pain in the ass, I need to get back to work, why are they wasting my time, there's nothing there." And then there's Panic Disorder Helene who's imagining her funeral and how sad my baby will be after I'm gone and will Jorge let my parents see Rachel often enough or will he give them a hard time and start fights and and and....

you get the picture.

Anyway, thanks for being there to let me vent and I know you're reading this and are at the other end of my spillage.

Where the Hell is My Happy Place?

This is the point of the weekend that we no longer appreciate it being the weekend at all. The Sunday Night Blues have begun and there's no pretending that work isn't just around the corner. My eyes are drooping from the exhaustion that comes with the "I don't want Saturday night to end" dance. The problem with going to sleep is that we're one step closer to Monday morning. And Monday morning means work, and that's not where my happy place is.

I searched high and low all weekend for my happy place. Friday night I was suffering from "I hate my job" syndrome, and truly believing that misery loves company, I invited my friend over so we could be cry to each other...and then eat. A nice little visit to the diner and we were much happier. Saturday morning I tried yoga for the first time, and I really had a momentary spiritual awakening where happy thoughts flowed through my mind, almost bringing me to tears. Later that afternoon, I treated myself to a facial that was a little bit of Heaven while my zits were being popped. The topper was shaking up the dating strategy by going out with a man 6 years younger, with no kids, and then taking him home for my own pleasure.

As lovely as that sounds, this is the point where the downward spiral begins. I remembered why I don't do first date sex, have one night stands, don't date younger men, and don't stay awake past 10 pm most nights. The Sunday Night Blues has enveloped me and tomorrow I move from Happy Place to Fake Happy Face. Flashbacks of a strange naked man in my bed not living up to my hopes and premonitions of debates with my boss and another senior manager will replace the sheep that I should be counting as I hit the sack.

So much for positive thoughts and my happy place. But this is my own fault, I'm letting it happen. I need to take a stand and say no to these thoughts and not let them in. And in that process, I will learn to appreciate Sunday nights and Monday mornings and deal with the fact that I'm fighting myself and could possibly have split-personality disorder.

And with that, ladies and gentleman, good night.

Kelly LeBrock

I'm sitting here watching the finale of Celebrity Fit Club 3 and thinking I can do that. But it's apparent that it's just not that easy. Kelly LeBrock lost 31 pounds in 100 days. That's really not unrealistic. It's less than 2 pounds a week. So can I do it? Can I be Kelly LeBrock? Can I get my head in a place where I'm not the me I've been, but be the me I've always dreamt of becoming? Every path begins with a first step, so I've got to put the first foot forward and follow one after the other. She looks absolutely gorgeous. There's no reason I can't feel the same.

Early morning ramblings from NY

It’s 5:32 am on Sunday morning. My brother works the overnight and didn’t want to wake us, so asked me to call when I was up so he could come home and go to sleep. When I called, it sounded like he was at a bar and having a grand old time – he’s not coming home just yet.

I wanted to run my online programs but, for some reason, the network I tapped into yesterday is not showing up. It came through when I walked away from the computer for a minute, so I’m not sure what the issue is.

The coffee’s ready, and I’ll be up now for awhile before Rachel wakes up. She’s turning but I know it’s too early to encourage her to actually open her eyes. And I can’t wait for the surprise. I want to have my camera ready for it. It snowed while we slept. There aren’t huge blankets, but with the view from my brother’s place of warehouse roofs and the park, it looks that way. At first, I hadn’t even noticed the snow on the balcony ledge then table and chairs.

The wind is howling, but Brad told me to expect that – it’s what happens when you’re on the 10th floor of the highest building in the area, facing a …what is it? a lake? ... in the middle of winter. Rachel asked me to make sure the sliding glass door was closed, thinking the opening was causing the noise. The door is closed and locked. And the heat is on high.

I’m nice and cozy for now, but I imagine that little world will come crumbling down as soon as we hit the street. We’re all headed to the city to visit my aunt and uncle for brunch. On the way, we’ll pick up Daniel, my nephew. Thinking about all this is worrying me – Brad needs to get a few hours sleep, especially since he had an abbreviated sleep yesterday, coming to get us from the airport and entertain. We’ll never get there on time if Brad can’t wake up. And I’m sure his ex will pick a fight if he’s late to pick up Daniel.

The wireless network seems to be back, but the connection to the internet is not quite there. Once it is, it’s back to auto-surfing for me. Nope, not so lucky today – got a false positive there for a moment. And on top of that, we’re out of Equal. This baby’s coming with me to the city – I have to find that hot spot.

Life Update Part I

I’m writing this while sitting on the plane, headed up to New York. Unless the battery dies out, I can’t use the excuse that I didn’t have time to write a complete update on my life. I’ll take it a topic at a time covering the usual – diet/fitness, men, work, health and miscellaneous.

Diet/Fitness: I’ve been rock solid on working out, people would be amazed to see me as that gung ho weight training addict. I guess I’m just afraid if I stop or go off-track, it’ll be permanent. Going on this trip, I allowed myself one week to deviate from the plan. I’m doing the plan from BodyRx which I hear is just like Body for Life and there are four 6-week cycles. I’m in the middle of cycle two. The days I was available this week, I just did cardio, so I wouldn’t have an incomplete plan week. I’ll pick back up with the weight training when I get back, starting a new week.

Unfortunately, I still can’t get my act together on the food. I’d gained 5 lbs. over Christmas vacation, and this week started off well…but ended with a Cold Stone Creamery bang. Not sure how to get my head back where it needs to be.

Men: Well, I had 2 men being juggled as December began, with a clear front runner in my interest and interest in me – too bad they weren’t one and the same. Bachelor #1 turned into Christmas vacation boyfriend and then disappeared into thin air. Bachelor #2 I didn’t pay much attention to, but he hung in there – he even told me he’d worried that I might’ve met someone else since I didn’t get in touch with him. I set him straight that I won’t chase a man, and figured he’d given up since he hadn’t called me. Since Bachelor #1 disappeared, I’ve resumed with Bachelor #2 a little more regularly.

Problem - Bachelor #1 is the one I had the major attraction for, but wasn’t great relationship material. Bachelor #2 I don’t have much attraction for, but he is great relationship material. I’m hanging in there with him, hoping I’ll feel better about him after spending more time together. The parenting/work schedules don’t facilitate that much. Better slow, I suppose. Bachelor #2 already has faced my firing line when I confronted him on being bothered by his interrupting me – told me he’s glad I mentioned it and that it helps him to know. Bachelor #1 I got back in touch with because I needed his help for computer stuff (that’s what he does for a living), but I suppose there was some hidden agenda that I wanted to see what the heck happened to him – we talked computer geek stuff and then I asked him and he played like he didn’t know what I was referring to and hemmed and hawed about being really busy and having issues with his son. I just changed the subject. In the end it doesn’t matter – he’s obviously “just not that into” me.

And of course we can’t forget John. I haven’t seen him since just after the hurricane, so that’s about 2 months. We’ve started talking more frequently, because I got him into the auto-surfing/high risk web investments I’ve been doing. It’s friendly and business-ey mostly, but every now and then playful – if you catch my drift. We talk about getting together but this is another one where schedules don’t work well, and I’m not desperate. It’s nothing but booty, so I’m not thinking more of it.

Dangit, the seats in planes go back so far - with the guy in front of me, I can’t even open the laptop completely.

Work: Oh the drama. Things seem to be progressing, but I put my foot in my mouth by telling my boss my honest feelings about my raise. She thought I’d be really excited because she was so proud that they finally were able to raise me to what they determined my salary range to be, in their compensation study. However, I admitted that I’d actually felt slighted - the salary range is $X to $X+20,000. My new salary was $X-$80. She said “I can’t believe you’re complaining over $80. I told her it was principle…thanks to the market adjustment, I really didn’t get a merit raise at all despite my exceptional performance review. That raise would’ve happened anyway due to the market adjustment…she said that wasn’t the case b/c there were still people left that are under market – were too high a difference to get to market rate right now. I also said that if the value of my position is "this" - "that" and my pay was $80 below "this", then what does that say about my value to the company? Anyhow, it resulted in upsetting my boss…I wasn’t sure if it was frustration with me that she did so much and couldn’t please me or just feeling bad that I felt bad. I assured her over and over how grateful I am to her, for all that she’s done to help me get where I am today – not just money, but position and respectability and developing me.

Fast forward a few weeks later – this week there’s a minor restructuring in the company and they hand my boss, the VP, another department to run in addition to what she’s got. They determine she’s just got too much responsibility and she’s got to give a department up. Guess who? Right. She assured me that it had nothing to do with what happened with the salaries and she’ll always be there to bounce ideas off of, if I have questions.

So now, my new boss is the a new director that they hired about 3 months ago. There was a huge hubbub over her coming in because basically they left out any background information on her and just told us that she was a friend and former colleague of the President and Vice President that has been home for 5 years raising her kids – she’s my age, looks young and all we know is that she’s worked with them at a previous company. Interestingly enough, we were becoming friendly and even went to lunch last week…I told her a lot of stuff I might not have been so frank about had I known she was about to become my boss. She knew at the time. After my current boss told me the news and what it would mean, the new boss came to talk to me and address what she imagined my concerns to be - I'm going to skip the details on here for confidentiality purposes. Long story short, I told her “you tell what I need to learn and do to get to [the next level]and I’ll get there in 18 months," that I wouldn’t need two years. She smiled and said “I have no doubt.” Stay tuned!

Health: No complaints, no problems, great news.

Miscellaneous: I think you’ve read enough.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder - Part Deux

He called, and that's like a hit of Xanax.

Told you he gets to sleep easy.

What I Did on My Christmas Break, by Helene

I invited about 10 or so people and their kids to go Roller Skating yesterday, and unfortunately, last minute planning didn't work out.

I was getting back on skates for the first time in 4 years, since I had broken my ankle ice skating and was terrified of another rowdy little boy taking me out, again.

The 3 who said yes ended up cancelling, last minute, so it ended up just me and my girl. The place was empty - maybe 20 people, making it a perfect time to face my fear, gently. I wasn't a great skater to begin with, but I could at least stay alive and vertical.

My first treat was when my daughter confessed she was happy that no one else could make it, so we could bond. Then she did all in her power to try and trip me up - or in her mind, she just wanted to hold on to help me out, but that was even scarier.

My next treat was that I did, once again, stay alive and vertical. After the first hour, I was a natural. Well, if a natural flings it's arms out in all directions like a character actor trying to stay up after slipping on a banana peel, then that was me.

But we had fun, my girl and I. As a matter of fact, a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back and do it again!

And to those who couldn't make it...nanny nanny, poo poo.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder

I almost forgot what it's like when you're dating and actually see the person more than once or twice. First we need to quantify and qualify what is a date. Does the 1-hour coffee meet and greet - to decide if there might be an attraction - count as a first date? Does a big get together count, if they show up and are part of the group? If you're a "third date" big deal person, you really want to know. And if you're a "third date makes it okay to do the deed" person, it helps even more.

Let's say you do the meet and greet, then some time passes, and he shows up to the group get together you planned and invited him to. When you finally get to the actual date, is that now a third or a first date? Let's throw in one more date for good measure. Maybe it's your fourth, maybe it's your second...you don't know and you say WTF and do the deed, cause you're in the mood and attracted and somebody's drunk. At this point, I think it's okay to move on to overanalyzation.

You mention to your new special friend that you went to find his profile again on that dating site where you first met, and tell him it's no longer there. He tells you "I know, I don't need to be there anymore." "Hmmmm, is this about me?" you wonder. Or could it be a big giant ball of confusion thrown your way and you've forgotten your catcher's mitt? The girly girl is hoping it's about you, but the skeptic is saying this is a lot deeper than that. Now you overanalye yourself, and decide it's obvious - you're way too insecure to just accept that it's about you...overanalyzing him, you figure it just can't be that simple, he's a pretty deep guy.

After that date, where he took you to his office party, he tells you how his boss joked after meeting them that he bets "you don't have a girlfriend anymore." The overanalyzation kicks in big time, wondering what man would use the word girlfriend and not be denying it to the boss and making it perfectly clear to you that you're not his girlfriend. "Is he saying that he's my boyfriend?" you're wondering. "Am I ready to commit?" You're in complete shock after dating a half dozen men over the years that can say "I love you" but refuse to commit to dating exclusively.

Panic disorder sets in. The questions fly through your head, racing to whether this guy is marriage material because why bother going on a fifth date with someone who's not, especially if he already thinks you're his girlfriend. And it's very possible he said it but is not that clueless and you've taken the relationship five years into the future, and he's still back on date number three because the meet and greet and group get together doesn't count. You text message him to invite him out with your friends and he can't make it. You beat yourself up for turning into "too much, too soon" chick and are convinced he's done with you. Of course, it's most likely just in your own head, but you can forget about ever thinking about anything else but where you went wrong, for the next 24 hours. You've gone from worrying about his thinking you're a psycho stalker chick to truly being neurotic.

And meanwhile, he's sleeping easy.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned...

It has been 35 days since my last posting.

I have been eagerly searching out money for nothing with the "get paid to" world. Epiphanies are hitting me left and right as to how I will amass my fortunes. And for some strange reason, I'm still poor.

OK, Anthony Robbins, here goes...

Who am I?

First Response:
I'm an intelligent, strong willed, passionate, dramatic, mom; a weight obsessed food addict; an internet junkie; frustrated, insecure, self-critical, snobby, confused, lonely woman.

Expanded Response:
I'm a woman with intelligence, who is logical and analytical; I'm a mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest person; I am passionate about ideas and things that bother me or excite me or make me happy; I am hard on myself but striving to improve; I'm an internet expert and enthusiast; I have high standards for others but more so on myself.

New Response - who I will be:
I'm a strong, confident, intelligent woman that has a passion for her work and hobbies; I'm a great mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest and proud person; I'm beautiful and strong and a catch for some lucky man; I have accomplished a lot and worked hard for it; I'm a cancer survivor and proud; I am confident and motivated.

Morning Rambles

I didn't realize it had been about a month since my last post. I suppose it's time for something big and great and epiphany-like. However, it's just not there. I'm working hard on me, but apparently not hard enough. And that's a prime example. I need not to beat myself up for being imperfect.

I wish I could feel that spirituality and excitement for my personal growth. I wish I could believe in it so that I could start to feel it. I read a book, or listen to one on CD, about success and I just don't get excited. I need that momentum. I need to think positive, for more than just the time it takes to get through that book or CD. I need to allow myself those mini-breakdowns without worrying that the world might notice I have issues. I want to take a break from exuding inner strength...a break from having inner strength. I want not to feel like I need a break.