List of Issues

1. Any slightest hint of femininity in a man convinces me that people will think he's gay and I'm stupid for making the same mistake twice.
   
2. I go into panic disorder if my schedule is off...I know it takes X amount of minutes to get ready and if I haven't started at X+2, then I'm panicking. Heaven help me if it's someone else's fault we're running late and I have no control to put us back on schedule.
   
3. Clutter - can't stand clutter and collections that run out of control without orderly display or storage. (You'd understand this one if you ever saw the house I grew up in.)
   
4. I'll never take a shower with a man because gravity only makes my stomach and boobs ten times worse...not to mention the light in the bathroom.
   
5. Although I seem very direct and honest, I'm more likely to say nothing and be frustrated silently than risk a confrontation with someone.
   
6. No matter how much I hate being overweight and how much I swear I'll follow the plan, some days it's a compulsion I can't control.
   
7. I'm actually incredibly embarrassed by my health history. I hate being the poster child for Cancer Survivor because I don't feel like I did anything to make that happen. I'm not proud of it, I feel horribly guilty that I survived while so many others did not.
   
8. I have these "timeline" rules for my life. I'd decided that I needed to meet my husband by 20, so I could be engaged by 22 and married by 24, and have my first child at 26. When I knew it wouldn't last, I couldn't get divorced until I'd been married one year for each $10K spent on my wedding. Then I knew I couldn't have a relationship until at least a year after the divorce and I'd have to date someone at least two years before getting married again. And now that I'm falling for someone, I figure I couldn't possibly be "in love" since it's only been a month and I haven't quite calculated the appropriate period of time where it's real and not just novelty or excitement or concept or want.

Dear Michelle

There are days I really need you on my time zone because I want to talk about something that I just can't talk to anyone else about but of course this only happens at 8 a.m. and I wouldn't dream of waking your household. And then I move on to the office or whatever, trying to wait it out, but my attention deficit kicks in and I don't remember that I wanted to talk to you until bedtime when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion.

Every 6 months, I go through my scanning and sonograms and poking and prodding, over about 4 - 5 different appointments. Today was the last of the tests before the appointment next week for my exam where my gynecological oncologist lets me know the results of all the tests. During the sonogram, they take so many pictures and keep moving around and typing and backing up and doing over or so it seems to me...so I was a little panicked, this morning. They totally should've done the test, then had me stay and talk to the doctor, letting him read the results right away. But no, I had to leave there imaging that all that typing was scary stuff and I was calling to tell you that I was terrified. I hate these fucking tests and I'm happily healthy until the moment I need to have a sonogram and then I'm dying again. Nice, positive attitude, eh? Of course there's the Everyday Normal Helene who thinks "this is really a pain in the ass, I need to get back to work, why are they wasting my time, there's nothing there." And then there's Panic Disorder Helene who's imagining her funeral and how sad my baby will be after I'm gone and will Jorge let my parents see Rachel often enough or will he give them a hard time and start fights and and and....

you get the picture.

Anyway, thanks for being there to let me vent and I know you're reading this and are at the other end of my spillage.

Where the Hell is My Happy Place?

This is the point of the weekend that we no longer appreciate it being the weekend at all. The Sunday Night Blues have begun and there's no pretending that work isn't just around the corner. My eyes are drooping from the exhaustion that comes with the "I don't want Saturday night to end" dance. The problem with going to sleep is that we're one step closer to Monday morning. And Monday morning means work, and that's not where my happy place is.

I searched high and low all weekend for my happy place. Friday night I was suffering from "I hate my job" syndrome, and truly believing that misery loves company, I invited my friend over so we could be cry to each other...and then eat. A nice little visit to the diner and we were much happier. Saturday morning I tried yoga for the first time, and I really had a momentary spiritual awakening where happy thoughts flowed through my mind, almost bringing me to tears. Later that afternoon, I treated myself to a facial that was a little bit of Heaven while my zits were being popped. The topper was shaking up the dating strategy by going out with a man 6 years younger, with no kids, and then taking him home for my own pleasure.

As lovely as that sounds, this is the point where the downward spiral begins. I remembered why I don't do first date sex, have one night stands, don't date younger men, and don't stay awake past 10 pm most nights. The Sunday Night Blues has enveloped me and tomorrow I move from Happy Place to Fake Happy Face. Flashbacks of a strange naked man in my bed not living up to my hopes and premonitions of debates with my boss and another senior manager will replace the sheep that I should be counting as I hit the sack.

So much for positive thoughts and my happy place. But this is my own fault, I'm letting it happen. I need to take a stand and say no to these thoughts and not let them in. And in that process, I will learn to appreciate Sunday nights and Monday mornings and deal with the fact that I'm fighting myself and could possibly have split-personality disorder.

And with that, ladies and gentleman, good night.

Kelly LeBrock

I'm sitting here watching the finale of Celebrity Fit Club 3 and thinking I can do that. But it's apparent that it's just not that easy. Kelly LeBrock lost 31 pounds in 100 days. That's really not unrealistic. It's less than 2 pounds a week. So can I do it? Can I be Kelly LeBrock? Can I get my head in a place where I'm not the me I've been, but be the me I've always dreamt of becoming? Every path begins with a first step, so I've got to put the first foot forward and follow one after the other. She looks absolutely gorgeous. There's no reason I can't feel the same.

Early morning ramblings from NY

It’s 5:32 am on Sunday morning. My brother works the overnight and didn’t want to wake us, so asked me to call when I was up so he could come home and go to sleep. When I called, it sounded like he was at a bar and having a grand old time – he’s not coming home just yet.

I wanted to run my online programs but, for some reason, the network I tapped into yesterday is not showing up. It came through when I walked away from the computer for a minute, so I’m not sure what the issue is.

The coffee’s ready, and I’ll be up now for awhile before Rachel wakes up. She’s turning but I know it’s too early to encourage her to actually open her eyes. And I can’t wait for the surprise. I want to have my camera ready for it. It snowed while we slept. There aren’t huge blankets, but with the view from my brother’s place of warehouse roofs and the park, it looks that way. At first, I hadn’t even noticed the snow on the balcony ledge then table and chairs.

The wind is howling, but Brad told me to expect that – it’s what happens when you’re on the 10th floor of the highest building in the area, facing a …what is it? a lake? ... in the middle of winter. Rachel asked me to make sure the sliding glass door was closed, thinking the opening was causing the noise. The door is closed and locked. And the heat is on high.

I’m nice and cozy for now, but I imagine that little world will come crumbling down as soon as we hit the street. We’re all headed to the city to visit my aunt and uncle for brunch. On the way, we’ll pick up Daniel, my nephew. Thinking about all this is worrying me – Brad needs to get a few hours sleep, especially since he had an abbreviated sleep yesterday, coming to get us from the airport and entertain. We’ll never get there on time if Brad can’t wake up. And I’m sure his ex will pick a fight if he’s late to pick up Daniel.

The wireless network seems to be back, but the connection to the internet is not quite there. Once it is, it’s back to auto-surfing for me. Nope, not so lucky today – got a false positive there for a moment. And on top of that, we’re out of Equal. This baby’s coming with me to the city – I have to find that hot spot.

Life Update Part I

I’m writing this while sitting on the plane, headed up to New York. Unless the battery dies out, I can’t use the excuse that I didn’t have time to write a complete update on my life. I’ll take it a topic at a time covering the usual – diet/fitness, men, work, health and miscellaneous.

Diet/Fitness: I’ve been rock solid on working out, people would be amazed to see me as that gung ho weight training addict. I guess I’m just afraid if I stop or go off-track, it’ll be permanent. Going on this trip, I allowed myself one week to deviate from the plan. I’m doing the plan from BodyRx which I hear is just like Body for Life and there are four 6-week cycles. I’m in the middle of cycle two. The days I was available this week, I just did cardio, so I wouldn’t have an incomplete plan week. I’ll pick back up with the weight training when I get back, starting a new week.

Unfortunately, I still can’t get my act together on the food. I’d gained 5 lbs. over Christmas vacation, and this week started off well…but ended with a Cold Stone Creamery bang. Not sure how to get my head back where it needs to be.

Men: Well, I had 2 men being juggled as December began, with a clear front runner in my interest and interest in me – too bad they weren’t one and the same. Bachelor #1 turned into Christmas vacation boyfriend and then disappeared into thin air. Bachelor #2 I didn’t pay much attention to, but he hung in there – he even told me he’d worried that I might’ve met someone else since I didn’t get in touch with him. I set him straight that I won’t chase a man, and figured he’d given up since he hadn’t called me. Since Bachelor #1 disappeared, I’ve resumed with Bachelor #2 a little more regularly.

Problem - Bachelor #1 is the one I had the major attraction for, but wasn’t great relationship material. Bachelor #2 I don’t have much attraction for, but he is great relationship material. I’m hanging in there with him, hoping I’ll feel better about him after spending more time together. The parenting/work schedules don’t facilitate that much. Better slow, I suppose. Bachelor #2 already has faced my firing line when I confronted him on being bothered by his interrupting me – told me he’s glad I mentioned it and that it helps him to know. Bachelor #1 I got back in touch with because I needed his help for computer stuff (that’s what he does for a living), but I suppose there was some hidden agenda that I wanted to see what the heck happened to him – we talked computer geek stuff and then I asked him and he played like he didn’t know what I was referring to and hemmed and hawed about being really busy and having issues with his son. I just changed the subject. In the end it doesn’t matter – he’s obviously “just not that into” me.

And of course we can’t forget John. I haven’t seen him since just after the hurricane, so that’s about 2 months. We’ve started talking more frequently, because I got him into the auto-surfing/high risk web investments I’ve been doing. It’s friendly and business-ey mostly, but every now and then playful – if you catch my drift. We talk about getting together but this is another one where schedules don’t work well, and I’m not desperate. It’s nothing but booty, so I’m not thinking more of it.

Dangit, the seats in planes go back so far - with the guy in front of me, I can’t even open the laptop completely.

Work: Oh the drama. Things seem to be progressing, but I put my foot in my mouth by telling my boss my honest feelings about my raise. She thought I’d be really excited because she was so proud that they finally were able to raise me to what they determined my salary range to be, in their compensation study. However, I admitted that I’d actually felt slighted - the salary range is $X to $X+20,000. My new salary was $X-$80. She said “I can’t believe you’re complaining over $80. I told her it was principle…thanks to the market adjustment, I really didn’t get a merit raise at all despite my exceptional performance review. That raise would’ve happened anyway due to the market adjustment…she said that wasn’t the case b/c there were still people left that are under market – were too high a difference to get to market rate right now. I also said that if the value of my position is "this" - "that" and my pay was $80 below "this", then what does that say about my value to the company? Anyhow, it resulted in upsetting my boss…I wasn’t sure if it was frustration with me that she did so much and couldn’t please me or just feeling bad that I felt bad. I assured her over and over how grateful I am to her, for all that she’s done to help me get where I am today – not just money, but position and respectability and developing me.

Fast forward a few weeks later – this week there’s a minor restructuring in the company and they hand my boss, the VP, another department to run in addition to what she’s got. They determine she’s just got too much responsibility and she’s got to give a department up. Guess who? Right. She assured me that it had nothing to do with what happened with the salaries and she’ll always be there to bounce ideas off of, if I have questions.

So now, my new boss is the a new director that they hired about 3 months ago. There was a huge hubbub over her coming in because basically they left out any background information on her and just told us that she was a friend and former colleague of the President and Vice President that has been home for 5 years raising her kids – she’s my age, looks young and all we know is that she’s worked with them at a previous company. Interestingly enough, we were becoming friendly and even went to lunch last week…I told her a lot of stuff I might not have been so frank about had I known she was about to become my boss. She knew at the time. After my current boss told me the news and what it would mean, the new boss came to talk to me and address what she imagined my concerns to be - I'm going to skip the details on here for confidentiality purposes. Long story short, I told her “you tell what I need to learn and do to get to [the next level]and I’ll get there in 18 months," that I wouldn’t need two years. She smiled and said “I have no doubt.” Stay tuned!

Health: No complaints, no problems, great news.

Miscellaneous: I think you’ve read enough.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder - Part Deux

He called, and that's like a hit of Xanax.

Told you he gets to sleep easy.

What I Did on My Christmas Break, by Helene

I invited about 10 or so people and their kids to go Roller Skating yesterday, and unfortunately, last minute planning didn't work out.

I was getting back on skates for the first time in 4 years, since I had broken my ankle ice skating and was terrified of another rowdy little boy taking me out, again.

The 3 who said yes ended up cancelling, last minute, so it ended up just me and my girl. The place was empty - maybe 20 people, making it a perfect time to face my fear, gently. I wasn't a great skater to begin with, but I could at least stay alive and vertical.

My first treat was when my daughter confessed she was happy that no one else could make it, so we could bond. Then she did all in her power to try and trip me up - or in her mind, she just wanted to hold on to help me out, but that was even scarier.

My next treat was that I did, once again, stay alive and vertical. After the first hour, I was a natural. Well, if a natural flings it's arms out in all directions like a character actor trying to stay up after slipping on a banana peel, then that was me.

But we had fun, my girl and I. As a matter of fact, a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back and do it again!

And to those who couldn't make it...nanny nanny, poo poo.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder

I almost forgot what it's like when you're dating and actually see the person more than once or twice. First we need to quantify and qualify what is a date. Does the 1-hour coffee meet and greet - to decide if there might be an attraction - count as a first date? Does a big get together count, if they show up and are part of the group? If you're a "third date" big deal person, you really want to know. And if you're a "third date makes it okay to do the deed" person, it helps even more.

Let's say you do the meet and greet, then some time passes, and he shows up to the group get together you planned and invited him to. When you finally get to the actual date, is that now a third or a first date? Let's throw in one more date for good measure. Maybe it's your fourth, maybe it's your second...you don't know and you say WTF and do the deed, cause you're in the mood and attracted and somebody's drunk. At this point, I think it's okay to move on to overanalyzation.

You mention to your new special friend that you went to find his profile again on that dating site where you first met, and tell him it's no longer there. He tells you "I know, I don't need to be there anymore." "Hmmmm, is this about me?" you wonder. Or could it be a big giant ball of confusion thrown your way and you've forgotten your catcher's mitt? The girly girl is hoping it's about you, but the skeptic is saying this is a lot deeper than that. Now you overanalye yourself, and decide it's obvious - you're way too insecure to just accept that it's about you...overanalyzing him, you figure it just can't be that simple, he's a pretty deep guy.

After that date, where he took you to his office party, he tells you how his boss joked after meeting them that he bets "you don't have a girlfriend anymore." The overanalyzation kicks in big time, wondering what man would use the word girlfriend and not be denying it to the boss and making it perfectly clear to you that you're not his girlfriend. "Is he saying that he's my boyfriend?" you're wondering. "Am I ready to commit?" You're in complete shock after dating a half dozen men over the years that can say "I love you" but refuse to commit to dating exclusively.

Panic disorder sets in. The questions fly through your head, racing to whether this guy is marriage material because why bother going on a fifth date with someone who's not, especially if he already thinks you're his girlfriend. And it's very possible he said it but is not that clueless and you've taken the relationship five years into the future, and he's still back on date number three because the meet and greet and group get together doesn't count. You text message him to invite him out with your friends and he can't make it. You beat yourself up for turning into "too much, too soon" chick and are convinced he's done with you. Of course, it's most likely just in your own head, but you can forget about ever thinking about anything else but where you went wrong, for the next 24 hours. You've gone from worrying about his thinking you're a psycho stalker chick to truly being neurotic.

And meanwhile, he's sleeping easy.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned...

It has been 35 days since my last posting.

I have been eagerly searching out money for nothing with the "get paid to" world. Epiphanies are hitting me left and right as to how I will amass my fortunes. And for some strange reason, I'm still poor.

OK, Anthony Robbins, here goes...

Who am I?

First Response:
I'm an intelligent, strong willed, passionate, dramatic, mom; a weight obsessed food addict; an internet junkie; frustrated, insecure, self-critical, snobby, confused, lonely woman.

Expanded Response:
I'm a woman with intelligence, who is logical and analytical; I'm a mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest person; I am passionate about ideas and things that bother me or excite me or make me happy; I am hard on myself but striving to improve; I'm an internet expert and enthusiast; I have high standards for others but more so on myself.

New Response - who I will be:
I'm a strong, confident, intelligent woman that has a passion for her work and hobbies; I'm a great mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest and proud person; I'm beautiful and strong and a catch for some lucky man; I have accomplished a lot and worked hard for it; I'm a cancer survivor and proud; I am confident and motivated.

Morning Rambles

I didn't realize it had been about a month since my last post. I suppose it's time for something big and great and epiphany-like. However, it's just not there. I'm working hard on me, but apparently not hard enough. And that's a prime example. I need not to beat myself up for being imperfect.

I wish I could feel that spirituality and excitement for my personal growth. I wish I could believe in it so that I could start to feel it. I read a book, or listen to one on CD, about success and I just don't get excited. I need that momentum. I need to think positive, for more than just the time it takes to get through that book or CD. I need to allow myself those mini-breakdowns without worrying that the world might notice I have issues. I want to take a break from exuding inner strength...a break from having inner strength. I want not to feel like I need a break.

Inspiration

So often over the years, I've been told I'm an inspiration for my strength. I'd never felt it though. It was easy to be strong, I had no choice. There was no fighting, there was just allowing doctors to do what they needed to and my going through the motions. I didn't have to work that hard or push myself, I just showed up when and where they told me and continued on with the rest of my life as best I could. I suppose I could've become a basket case and shut off the world and stopped going through the motions...I've seen that happen. That's just not me, that didn't come naturally. Following what I'm told is "right," that's me. But I digress.

What do I find an inspiration? The people that go through those motions but do have a choice; that don't "have to" fight for their life or show up, in order to stay alive. They have a plan, a schedule, a set of rules and guidelines for keeping themselves healthy and fit. They go to the gym, without questioning whether the "feel like it" or not. They eat when they're hungry and stop, even when not full, because they know what's appropriate. They drink lots of water, no coffee, don't smoke and take vitamins and supplements. And there's no question or complaint or options. It's just their lifestyle, not a phase or means to an end.

I want that. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to wake up and do what's the best for my health without feeling it's a chore. I want to just go to the gym without mentally justifying not going; and be one of those people that actually enjoys it, not who stares at the clock, hoping it's almost over. I want to eat a serving and not wonder where, when and what I'm going to eat next. I want to enjoy what I eat, but without issues.

But I am who I am, though I can attempt to adjust and work on improving myself. However, I will continue to admire and find inspiration in those that do live the lifestyle without question or contempt. Because as long as I have to get my ass to the gym, and fight for my body to stay healthy and get in shape, then there will always be question and contempt.

The Queen Helene Show

If I sit back and look at my life and my friends and my family and the conversations that take place, it amazes me that I'm not watching a sitcom. The cast of characters is like nothing and everything you'd see on tv. From the annoying mother that lives in her own universe to the sidekick buddy that seems to be flooded with issues. And of course, you have the star of the show, who seems the most centered and "normal" compared to the rest of the cast. But the episode continues on and the comedy unfolds as she does, as well.

I am that leading lady. And just when it feels I'm the centered "normal" one, the phone rings, the door opens, the email arrives and the scene changes. The world around me unfolds and I feel my mind slipping away. The neurosis kicks in and I'm flustered and frenzied and becoming the center of that comedy. Sure, it's funny in hindsight, and funny to my viewers. But now I can feel Frazier Crane's angst as his father insists on keeping the ugly lazy chair in the center of his Ethan Allen living room; or Grace's frustration that she's fallen for another gay guy; or Peter Brady's fear as the lamp breaks, because mom always said "don't play ball in the house." It's only when I remember to take a step off the stage and take a look at the screen, that I can laugh.

Being in the center of a real-life sitcom is actually pretty funny most of the time...and pretty sad and frustrating and complicated at other times. The ability to laugh at yourself, though, is one of the most rewarding and grounding traits a person can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd much rather be a sitcom queen, than a drama queen.

A Different Perspective

Almost three years ago, when I changed cubicles, my new neighbor declared my lack of decoration boring and tacked up this poster of a seal called "A Different Perspective." Only, she hung it upside down - her reasoning being that this would be a different perspective. Two moves later, that same poster hangs in my office on a real wall, still upside down.

Three years ago, I fell in love for the first time since my divorce, with a man I thought was perfect. We seemed so compatible and happy together, had so much fun and great conversation, and amazing chemistry. And when he told me he was having a great time but I wasn't what he was looking for long term, I let the relationship continue. I told myself I was just going to enjoy the moment but most likely I'm sure I was convinced things might change. Even when he went back to his ex-girlfriend, I remained a side dish. Many trials and tribulations and a year later in that relationship, I ceased all contact with him. I was heartbroken but knew that this was the only way for me to get past it.

One year after that, on a whim, I got back in touch. I was going through chemo, a bit reminiscent of happier moments in my life, and sure I could now handle it. We saw each other a couple of times and even played around.

Our contact had been fairly infrequent over this past year, since resuming contact. Every now and then, there's a lengthy chat where I'm reminded of how much I enjoy talking and being with him. Some time ago, caught in a half-joke, he started coming over from time to time, on Tuesday nights. What our Tuesday nights amounted to are, these days, more commonly referred to as "bootie calls."

I'm coming off a year of intense health issues, so am not looking for another drama. I've had two years apart from being with him to process who he is and I'm no longer blinded by the euphoria of new love. And what I'm looking for is a distraction in my life, not a new focus. A long term relationship? Probably not. It's really all a matter of perspective...and today, I'm coming from a different perspective.

Spam Dammers!

I just had to put on word verification for my comments section, thanks to a happy spammer who kept posting crappy links on my blog.

For those who legitimately want to comment, thanks for taking the added step.

:-)

Digging Deeper

So I've given up dating with the idea that it would be unfair to my potential suitors. How can I put myself out there, have someone fall in love with me, only to die on them? I can promise you happily ever after, but I just can't tell you how long that ever after will be - it may be sooner than you'd have imagined. I feel it would be like trying to sell some sucker a lemon - sure it's a pretty car, but it may just start giving you problems here and there, slowly torturing and frustrating you until it just gives up and dies in the middle of rush hour traffic on I-95. Yep, I likened myself to a car and one that sucks. Pretty great attitude to lug around day after day. And, I've made myself into a martyr that has given up dating to potentially save a mystery man from a broken heart. What a gal!

Let's dig deeper. Let's suppose this is an excuse. Could it be that I'm worried about that man looking at me and seeing a lemon, so I cut him off at the pass? Perhaps, I put myself out there and no one is interested. Who am I saving the broken heart, him or me? Maybe it's not so much that I don't want to sell someone a lemon as that I don't want to have to sell so hard, knowing it's a lemon. Yep, self-deprecating again.

This is where I'm going wrong. In either scenario, I'm ruining any shot of happiness with someone else by not seeing myself as worthy. Am I worthy of someone loving me, if it's only for a short time? Am I worthy of being loved even if it means that someone's going to have to be my caretaker at some point? Am I worthy of being loved if my body is full of scars and my hair is not the long flowing mane it once was? Will someone find me attractive again and worthy of all the work that's involved in loving me?

It all starts with me. I need to read that paragraph and answer those questions for myself and say "hell ya!" or better yet, "duh!" If I see myself as a lemon, that's what I project. I want a man to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful, amusing, brilliant woman he's ever met. And I need to see that woman first, before I'll ever be able to enveil her to the world.

I'm not sure if it's time to start dating again, but it's definitely time to start making lemonade out of this lemon.

New Goals

1 - Programming of modern-chick.com to be completed by Sep 16. Complete content for Modern-chick by September 30.

2 - Lose the inital WW 10% by October 15.

3 - Consistently go to the gym 4x/week. Do weight training 1x/wk.

4 - Read (or audiobook) at least one self-improvement book per month - either business or personal.

5 - Get finances worked out. Create realistic budget for household spending by 10/1.

Goal assessment

Let's review the old and assess:

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15
NO...maybe I'll revisit this after dedicating myself to getting modern-chick.com up and running for awhile. I think I'd like to consider partnering with someone on this venture.

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete Oooh, sorry, no again

3) Get finances under control -

Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
Look into refinancing by 10/31

I refinanced, budget was under control only thanks to a lawsuit settlement

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1
Can't remember when, but she's been doing ice skating for almost a year now

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12
That gym sucked, but have been going regularly since Memorial Day, at LA Fitness

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel
Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1
I have her every 3rd weekend now and we keep busy with friends

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12
There's just no time for this with the gym routine...not quite sure this is for me anymore, other than occasionally for fun.

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26
I just can't do it, I have been dating, but I need to stick with low key casual for now, until I'm comfortable with myself.

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25
Can't remember what I did here, definitely not a schedule - can't with the meetings that come about everyday. I have set goals with my boss and accomplished all - most on the timeline laid out.

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1
Ideas are there, just not flowing nor developing

Word of the Day - Deify

A friend of mine, having recently heard from a number of former girlfriends, told me that the women seem to have deified him in their memory. Each enjoyed reminiscing on "the good old days." Even he was aware that he wasn't the great boyfriend being remembered.

It struck a chord with me. After the time apart from my old flame, touching base again, I felt I was going in with eyes wide open. I still enjoyed talking with him, and I'll admit, a "no strings" night of fun from time to time, but finally saw him as he was...imperfect and unattainable, a far cry from the way I saw him while we were together.

But loneliness and dissatisfaction will do a number on a person's memory and emotions. A long conversation and a hot night later, I found my mind wandering. An incredible lover, an amazing motivator, personable and fun and serious when it's called for, so much to offer for the long term - these were all the thoughts rolling around my mind. "What if I..." and "maybe he would..." There my brain goes into the creative area - where movie moments come true and everybody lives happily ever after.

"They all seem to be deifying me, forgetting how and why it ended." He shook me back into reality. I am one of these women, deifying my old flame, instead of remembering how his superficiality broke my heart. He's an incredible lover instead of he's a man who is screwing 3 or 4 different women at a time. He's an amazing motivator instead of a perfectionist who expects no less in others. He has so much to offer for the long term instead of he would never be with me for the long term.

Fantasy and daydreaming are fun, and quite honestly, he is a lot of fun. But I need to keep my head on straight and stop deifying a man that could very easily, if I let him, break my heart over and over again. And he really is a great man, but he's no god.