Inspiration

So often over the years, I've been told I'm an inspiration for my strength. I'd never felt it though. It was easy to be strong, I had no choice. There was no fighting, there was just allowing doctors to do what they needed to and my going through the motions. I didn't have to work that hard or push myself, I just showed up when and where they told me and continued on with the rest of my life as best I could. I suppose I could've become a basket case and shut off the world and stopped going through the motions...I've seen that happen. That's just not me, that didn't come naturally. Following what I'm told is "right," that's me. But I digress.

What do I find an inspiration? The people that go through those motions but do have a choice; that don't "have to" fight for their life or show up, in order to stay alive. They have a plan, a schedule, a set of rules and guidelines for keeping themselves healthy and fit. They go to the gym, without questioning whether the "feel like it" or not. They eat when they're hungry and stop, even when not full, because they know what's appropriate. They drink lots of water, no coffee, don't smoke and take vitamins and supplements. And there's no question or complaint or options. It's just their lifestyle, not a phase or means to an end.

I want that. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to wake up and do what's the best for my health without feeling it's a chore. I want to just go to the gym without mentally justifying not going; and be one of those people that actually enjoys it, not who stares at the clock, hoping it's almost over. I want to eat a serving and not wonder where, when and what I'm going to eat next. I want to enjoy what I eat, but without issues.

But I am who I am, though I can attempt to adjust and work on improving myself. However, I will continue to admire and find inspiration in those that do live the lifestyle without question or contempt. Because as long as I have to get my ass to the gym, and fight for my body to stay healthy and get in shape, then there will always be question and contempt.

The Queen Helene Show

If I sit back and look at my life and my friends and my family and the conversations that take place, it amazes me that I'm not watching a sitcom. The cast of characters is like nothing and everything you'd see on tv. From the annoying mother that lives in her own universe to the sidekick buddy that seems to be flooded with issues. And of course, you have the star of the show, who seems the most centered and "normal" compared to the rest of the cast. But the episode continues on and the comedy unfolds as she does, as well.

I am that leading lady. And just when it feels I'm the centered "normal" one, the phone rings, the door opens, the email arrives and the scene changes. The world around me unfolds and I feel my mind slipping away. The neurosis kicks in and I'm flustered and frenzied and becoming the center of that comedy. Sure, it's funny in hindsight, and funny to my viewers. But now I can feel Frazier Crane's angst as his father insists on keeping the ugly lazy chair in the center of his Ethan Allen living room; or Grace's frustration that she's fallen for another gay guy; or Peter Brady's fear as the lamp breaks, because mom always said "don't play ball in the house." It's only when I remember to take a step off the stage and take a look at the screen, that I can laugh.

Being in the center of a real-life sitcom is actually pretty funny most of the time...and pretty sad and frustrating and complicated at other times. The ability to laugh at yourself, though, is one of the most rewarding and grounding traits a person can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd much rather be a sitcom queen, than a drama queen.

A Different Perspective

Almost three years ago, when I changed cubicles, my new neighbor declared my lack of decoration boring and tacked up this poster of a seal called "A Different Perspective." Only, she hung it upside down - her reasoning being that this would be a different perspective. Two moves later, that same poster hangs in my office on a real wall, still upside down.

Three years ago, I fell in love for the first time since my divorce, with a man I thought was perfect. We seemed so compatible and happy together, had so much fun and great conversation, and amazing chemistry. And when he told me he was having a great time but I wasn't what he was looking for long term, I let the relationship continue. I told myself I was just going to enjoy the moment but most likely I'm sure I was convinced things might change. Even when he went back to his ex-girlfriend, I remained a side dish. Many trials and tribulations and a year later in that relationship, I ceased all contact with him. I was heartbroken but knew that this was the only way for me to get past it.

One year after that, on a whim, I got back in touch. I was going through chemo, a bit reminiscent of happier moments in my life, and sure I could now handle it. We saw each other a couple of times and even played around.

Our contact had been fairly infrequent over this past year, since resuming contact. Every now and then, there's a lengthy chat where I'm reminded of how much I enjoy talking and being with him. Some time ago, caught in a half-joke, he started coming over from time to time, on Tuesday nights. What our Tuesday nights amounted to are, these days, more commonly referred to as "bootie calls."

I'm coming off a year of intense health issues, so am not looking for another drama. I've had two years apart from being with him to process who he is and I'm no longer blinded by the euphoria of new love. And what I'm looking for is a distraction in my life, not a new focus. A long term relationship? Probably not. It's really all a matter of perspective...and today, I'm coming from a different perspective.

Spam Dammers!

I just had to put on word verification for my comments section, thanks to a happy spammer who kept posting crappy links on my blog.

For those who legitimately want to comment, thanks for taking the added step.

:-)

Digging Deeper

So I've given up dating with the idea that it would be unfair to my potential suitors. How can I put myself out there, have someone fall in love with me, only to die on them? I can promise you happily ever after, but I just can't tell you how long that ever after will be - it may be sooner than you'd have imagined. I feel it would be like trying to sell some sucker a lemon - sure it's a pretty car, but it may just start giving you problems here and there, slowly torturing and frustrating you until it just gives up and dies in the middle of rush hour traffic on I-95. Yep, I likened myself to a car and one that sucks. Pretty great attitude to lug around day after day. And, I've made myself into a martyr that has given up dating to potentially save a mystery man from a broken heart. What a gal!

Let's dig deeper. Let's suppose this is an excuse. Could it be that I'm worried about that man looking at me and seeing a lemon, so I cut him off at the pass? Perhaps, I put myself out there and no one is interested. Who am I saving the broken heart, him or me? Maybe it's not so much that I don't want to sell someone a lemon as that I don't want to have to sell so hard, knowing it's a lemon. Yep, self-deprecating again.

This is where I'm going wrong. In either scenario, I'm ruining any shot of happiness with someone else by not seeing myself as worthy. Am I worthy of someone loving me, if it's only for a short time? Am I worthy of being loved even if it means that someone's going to have to be my caretaker at some point? Am I worthy of being loved if my body is full of scars and my hair is not the long flowing mane it once was? Will someone find me attractive again and worthy of all the work that's involved in loving me?

It all starts with me. I need to read that paragraph and answer those questions for myself and say "hell ya!" or better yet, "duh!" If I see myself as a lemon, that's what I project. I want a man to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful, amusing, brilliant woman he's ever met. And I need to see that woman first, before I'll ever be able to enveil her to the world.

I'm not sure if it's time to start dating again, but it's definitely time to start making lemonade out of this lemon.

New Goals

1 - Programming of modern-chick.com to be completed by Sep 16. Complete content for Modern-chick by September 30.

2 - Lose the inital WW 10% by October 15.

3 - Consistently go to the gym 4x/week. Do weight training 1x/wk.

4 - Read (or audiobook) at least one self-improvement book per month - either business or personal.

5 - Get finances worked out. Create realistic budget for household spending by 10/1.

Goal assessment

Let's review the old and assess:

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15
NO...maybe I'll revisit this after dedicating myself to getting modern-chick.com up and running for awhile. I think I'd like to consider partnering with someone on this venture.

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete Oooh, sorry, no again

3) Get finances under control -

Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
Look into refinancing by 10/31

I refinanced, budget was under control only thanks to a lawsuit settlement

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1
Can't remember when, but she's been doing ice skating for almost a year now

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12
That gym sucked, but have been going regularly since Memorial Day, at LA Fitness

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel
Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1
I have her every 3rd weekend now and we keep busy with friends

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12
There's just no time for this with the gym routine...not quite sure this is for me anymore, other than occasionally for fun.

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26
I just can't do it, I have been dating, but I need to stick with low key casual for now, until I'm comfortable with myself.

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25
Can't remember what I did here, definitely not a schedule - can't with the meetings that come about everyday. I have set goals with my boss and accomplished all - most on the timeline laid out.

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1
Ideas are there, just not flowing nor developing

Word of the Day - Deify

A friend of mine, having recently heard from a number of former girlfriends, told me that the women seem to have deified him in their memory. Each enjoyed reminiscing on "the good old days." Even he was aware that he wasn't the great boyfriend being remembered.

It struck a chord with me. After the time apart from my old flame, touching base again, I felt I was going in with eyes wide open. I still enjoyed talking with him, and I'll admit, a "no strings" night of fun from time to time, but finally saw him as he was...imperfect and unattainable, a far cry from the way I saw him while we were together.

But loneliness and dissatisfaction will do a number on a person's memory and emotions. A long conversation and a hot night later, I found my mind wandering. An incredible lover, an amazing motivator, personable and fun and serious when it's called for, so much to offer for the long term - these were all the thoughts rolling around my mind. "What if I..." and "maybe he would..." There my brain goes into the creative area - where movie moments come true and everybody lives happily ever after.

"They all seem to be deifying me, forgetting how and why it ended." He shook me back into reality. I am one of these women, deifying my old flame, instead of remembering how his superficiality broke my heart. He's an incredible lover instead of he's a man who is screwing 3 or 4 different women at a time. He's an amazing motivator instead of a perfectionist who expects no less in others. He has so much to offer for the long term instead of he would never be with me for the long term.

Fantasy and daydreaming are fun, and quite honestly, he is a lot of fun. But I need to keep my head on straight and stop deifying a man that could very easily, if I let him, break my heart over and over again. And he really is a great man, but he's no god.

I Like My Life? Go Figure

When John told me about his successes, and the business he has in the works that will soon bring him millions, I responded "I want your life." He told me he hears that a lot.

I was thinking about it later. As much as I'd like that financial success, I don't really want his life. Not that there's anything wrong with it. He pretty much accomplishes everything he sets out to achieve, he's independent, seems incredibly happy, and he lives the life he wants to be living. Sure, I would like to say those things about myself. But in my life, not his.

I shocked myself when I heard my internal voice saying "I like my life." Holy shit, what's that about? I had the year from hell, with my health. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. There's a struggle between desperately wanting to be in a relationship and not wanting to deal with men at all, not feeling like I'm dating material. And yet, I like my life?

I don't have the big fancy house I want, or even the modest one. But I have my condo, which I've bought, decorated, maintained and made a home on my own.

I don't have a man in my life, and rarely have that spark with the ones I meet. But I do have a few good friends that are there for me and keep me busy with a social life.

I'm not overly wealthy or completely financially secure. But no longer am I struggling, as I used to, and I pay all my bills on time. I never question which bill I should pay, instead of paying them all.

My job is not paying me what I'm worth or what the industry commands. But I've grown in the company and am working towards my own business that will challenge me to get there.

I will spend the rest of my life worrying everytime there's a pain or odd feeling, that cancer will return. But for today, I have no evidence of disease.

I cry, and feel sad and frustrated and angry and confused. But I also laugh. I laugh a lot.

So, if anyone's paying attention out there. I take it back. I don't want his life. I just want to accomplish what I set out to achieve, be happy and independent, and live the life I want to be living, like he does. And I think I'd also ask for the confidence and peace of mind to appreciate the life I have today. I think I'm on my way.

Survivor's Guilt

"In the special case of chronic illness, survivor guilt can occur after the deaths of peers who faced the same diagnosis. By definition, there is an implied comparison with people who have endured similar ordeals."

"Survivor guilt explores the other side of the coin of why me? --namely, why not me? "

"Some survivors may keep a low profile to avoid spotlighting this contrast of outcomes."

"Survivor guilt may exist for a reason...It may help survivors cope with the helplessness and powerlessness of being in a life-threatening situation without the ability to protect or save others."

© 2004 Brain Tumor Society

All About Me

I hate making this all about me but that's where my brain keeps going back. My mom just called me about an hour ago to tell me that my uncle had passed. At first, not a tear, and I wasn't expecting that.

I want to cry for him but when the tears started, it was all about me. My aunt and uncle didn't seem to have such a great marriage, until later on, after the kids were out. They did everything together and flirted and talked about their sex life like they were teenagers. They had their til death do us part. I want that.

And then it really came back to all about me. This could be my "next time." I take for granted that I beat cancer twice already. But did I? Does anyone really beat it or do we just spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to come back? Cancer kills. It may not have killed me yet, but it killed him. What happens when there's no more body parts left to remove through surgery? My chemo was preventative, what if I needed it to save me? It didn't save him.

And they're looking at me now. My mother told me how she's so grateful and gives prayers of thanks to G-d that I survived this, especially after seeing him last week. I fear his family will look at me and wonder why I'm still here and he's not. I don't want anyone looking at me.

But I need to be there and show my aunt and cousins that I'm with them, that I'm just like them, saying goodbye to a family member whom we lost to Cancer. And I need for a moment to be about him and about them and not show them the tears of what this means to me.

Practice

She looks to her left and can only imagine what those women must be thinking. They've got no clue. Grabbing the end of her sleeve into her fist, she uses the back of her hand to wipe the tears away.

Her eyes go back down below, watching her daughter on the ice. A small smile finds its way to the corner of her lips. Not graceful at all, but damn, she's cute.

The big puzzle that has been left unsolved for the past 10 years is finally starting to come together. The pieces still need to be moved around and turned a few times to fit into place. But she's almost there.

"It's not about me, it's about her." That inner voice is speaking, telling her to look in another direction. "He wanted me here. He needed me here for her. He still needs me. She needs me."

Most people question "why me" when something horrible goes wrong. Not her. She questions why she was saved, spared; why she lives to face it again someday. Peace would finally come, if not. The calm she craves more than anything.

Another tear forms, as the blonde figure skates in a circle, trying so hard and smiling at her teacher. That little baby grew into this little person. And she loves and trusts and sees her mommy, and never questions it for a moment. Her daughter has no idea how lucky her mother feels to have her; how happy she makes her and how much more she means to her than to a woman who has carried her child.

But at this moment, this woman realizes that they were gifts to each other. She realizes that He gave her to the child to watch out for her, to be the mommy that she needs, that she deserves. And it was He that saved her, not once but twice, from the disease. The first time to await her birth, the next to continue to protect and guide and love her like no other could. She hopes that one day, should her time no longer be required, her daughter will know what an honor it was to have held that place in her universe.

Daydreams

I thought about what it would have been like to have you there, going through chemo. I didn't let anyone in, and I didn't want anyone to see me. The one time I had someone with me, I squirmed, so upset that I wouldn't have my privacy. But I daydreamed that you were with me.

My mind was fuzzy, as the Adivan normally did to me. But I opened my eyes and looked at you. You smiled that goofy grin, yet said nothing. I tensed up from the butterflies of the adrenaline rush caused by the anti-histamine. You reached your hand onto my shoulder and massaged it, trying to relax me. I look into your eyes as mine start to tear. I blink the tears down to my cheeks as I drift off, once again.

I fade back into reality and feel those same tears rolling down my cheek. If only.

Another Dedication to the Clueless

I am constantly amazed by people who have no clue who they are. Sure, they can rattle off how they describe themselves, what they do for a living, what they want. But so much of the time, the adjectives are so far off of reality, I wonder where the hell they came up with that.

Yep, back to Jdate. An intelligent, hottie guy contacts me with a one-liner and the back and forth ensue. He flirts, I flirt, the phone number is passed. This man has presented himself as an intellectual, deep, spiritual marlboro man of an adventurer. The voice indicates the wizard has come out from behind the curtain.

He starts by talking about his indian name and Geronimo and dancing with wolves, moves on to his lobbying for the ACLU, switches into the universe will present me with the next experience bullshit, then asks why I think we're opposites.

As I begin to answer, he interrupts with the next question and before I can utter my "well, I..." he throws in a "women are so predictable." I inquire how I'm predictable and he moves on to a different question, why am I so confused? I tell him I'm not confused at all. Apparently my saying it's too early in the call to know if I'm interested makes me confused, since my email showed otherwise. "Sometimes the online and offline personas are not the same," I explained.

He keeps throwing out question after question without letting me answer, gets annoyed that I used the word "passionate" in a way to mean something other than sexual, and pretty much has the entire conversation on his own - putting the words into my mouth. He had the nerve to say "this is why I hate Jewish women" after meeting me on a Jewish dating site and leave me still not knowing why, this morning. He tells me I like to fight and he doesn't want a woman who wants to fight. I said "well, what is it you want? You keep trying to start that fight and making me defend myself." He says "I want peace. I want someone who's laid back and easy going." Good luck there, buddy. I was a lot more laid back until you came along.

Eventually, I discover what's making him mad. The cowardly wizard thought he was getting laid. "You shouldn't flirt if you don't mean it," he says. "I'm a flirt, but what is that supposed to mean?" He responds with a "okay, bye" and hangs up on me.

Amazing to me. This guy says he wants peace, yet he's the one stirring up the conflict. He believes he's this deep spiritual soul, yet he's not got the depth to even ask a single question about who I am or where I've been. He's waiting for the universe to show him the signs for his next adventure, yet he's got no clue how to read them.

If I hadn't just blocked him, I would've told him that before we can explore the world, we have to explore ourselves. And get a clue!

Juggling

So just when I decide no more dating, they come out of the woodwork. So now I need to figure out the math. If I only take my phone calls after 9 pm, and am usually asleep by 10 pm, how do I juggle 4 men calling to chat. I've managed to sneak in an 8:30 "I'm sorry, wanted to go to bed early so called you instead" call, to be available for a 9 o'clock call with the next bachelor. Then I can pretty much count on the night owl to either call at 10 on the nose or wake me up from a deep sleep to chat. There are two others that I've been moving around on different nights. However, at this very moment, I am expecting them both to call.

I've learned not to tell too many stories or I end up doing a "I thought I told you this" followed by "I told you this already? Sorry." Mysterious works, as well as the interview. Ask lots of questions and pay attention to the answers. Make sure you know who said what. I just screwed that up tonight by mentioning the Broadway Mall to the wrong guy. This one would have no clue what that is. It worked out though, he thanked me for telling him about the Nathan's at Broward Mall. Nope, wasn't me.

Anyway, wish me luck. I always sucked at juggling.

An Ode to "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover"

We hear it over and over, but do we really live it. I recently was reminded of that familiar phrase, and again it was proven to be true.

Reaching my final day on jdate, I took a last look at my "matches." One guy looked like a total punk with weird chin hair and cut sleeves, tattoos and earring, and no kids. Sooooo not my type. For kicks, I opened his profile. Interestingly enough, he had great essays, writes, seemed very intelligent, funny and romantic...and he was online.

I shot him a quick email that said "hey, I think we have the same couch." We've chatted online for the past two nights, for a couple of hours each. We actually have a lot in common, plus he's very intellligent, witty and sweet, very much a gentleman and okay with adoption (he was adopted himself). Best of all, we both like pralines 'n cream, admit on our profiles that we're not physically active and prefer the Brady Bunch to Partridge Family.

I don't know if anything will come of this, but just wanted to get back to my original subject. I'm glad I didn't let his appearance stop me from reading his profile and chatting with him.

Dear Sherri,

Response to an e-mail from my friend


Wow, I'm jealous. It seems as though things are falling into place for you. I guess I need to move across the country to lose weight and get some men interested.

Nothing exciting to report here. I joined LA Fitness on Saturday (there's a new one by Winston Park), hoping that if I start moving my ass, I'll be more inspired to eat right and it'll keep me out of the house for an extra hour and a half in the evenings and away from the frig.

Once again, I've done the hokie pokie and pulled myself out of dating. I went out a few times with the [guy] that looked good on paper, but I wasn't really thrilled with him and my feelings must've been reciprocated b/c once I slept with him, I never heard from him again. And I wasn't about to contact him and give him the satisfaction of thinking I was that into him or that I'm a psycho chick.

There are a couple of guys I'm talking with on the phone, but not feeling desperate enough to attempt moving forward. I really need to get my weight in order and hair growing before I'll feel confident enough to go out and try to meet someone. It's just difficult, because like all us single gals, I get lonely for companionship.

It sounds like you and "D" are progressing, but slowly. That's a good thing. But it also sounds like you're not so sure because you're still actively going out looking for other guys (i.e., "J"). I'd keep it up...and listen to your instincts. My instinct told me this guy wasn't right but I wanted it so bad to work that I allowed myself to sleep with him with that sinking feeling that he wasn't very enamored with me. And I need that...I need to be put on the pedestal and to be with a guy that thinks I'm the bomb. I'm just too insecure to be with someone that is lukewarm.

Anyway, the camping was fun, but too hot and stressful with getting a big group organized and planning activities. The conference was phenomenal. It was great going from dirty yucky sweaty camping to a luxury resort and conference center with other professionals in my industry. I really needed that quiet time away from people. Of course, there were tons of people there, but no one was up my ass for attention. I went with two very low key women - they were very sweet and friendly, but relaxed. I've gotten so used to my demanding friends chewing my ear off and looking to go out partying when the kids aren't around. I even chose not to take calls from my friends back here, to allow myself that quiet time. I also learned a lot at the conference sessions and enjoyed being treated like a VIP by the vendors. We got a free night at Islands of Adventure - they opened to just the conference attendees and had 3 of the big rides open with no lines, free play at the arcade, food, drinks, dj with dancing...it was great! I hated coming back home.

I really love my friends but have recently been disheartened by the attitudes and intelligence levels. I really only have one friend here that's not a drama queen and is also a professional, like me. (not that I don't have drama queen moments). I have a friend from Jax that has taken to calling me every morning on my commute and just talking incessantly about bullshit...and she's got no clue that she's making a short story reallllly long and what's mountains are nothing but molehills.

Speaking of short story long, huh?

Prom Queen

Something I figured out, as I was talking it through, was that the three men that have been most significant in my dating share a common element. They all made me feel like they were honored to be with me. They made me feel like I was prom queen and they were the regular joe who got lucky. It may not have been what they were actually thinking, and may not be the reality of the situation, but they made me feel that good.

This new one, although he goes through the motions and is a good date, gentleman and sweet guy, just doesn't make me feel special. And I think I need that. It may be spoiled or narcissistic of me to want to be put on a pedestal and adored and admired, but that's just what works for me.

The thing is, when you try so hard to make it happen, because a fit seems there, you compromise what you want. Certain concessions I'm willing to make, but giving up being adored is not one of them. I want to be with someone I adore and I promise he will feel it from me, so I guess I expect the same in return.

It's too bad, he truly is a good fit, as far as lifestyle and personality go. But I'm not sure he really finds me to be wonderful, so much as he just finds me to be...there.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Jinx

I took my ass back to Jdate, after seeing my friend who met her husband there. So I trade some witty IMs with a guy, talk briefly on the phone, then move on to the longer 1-hour phone call. Something really scary happened. It fit. The conversation flowed, we learned more about our business lives and we speak each other's speak.

But of course, I don't want to say that out loud. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. From the first phone call, I got this feeling that he's right for me...not just a crush or romantic flirtation, but our lifestyles and personalities go well. Yet, now I'm sure it's got to go wrong somewhere because if I'm actually thinking positive that'll jinx it.

So, as predicted, the next phone call was not so hot - too many questions and comments about appearance and requesting more pictures. He was slowly losing points. However, we continued on and moved on to date number one.

Here I am today, the day after. And I'm terrified to say what's really on my mind because I'm going to jinx it. The date went well, very well. I like him, he fits. But it's early yet. There, I've said it and now I'm jinxed.

I guess it's a risk I have to take. Doesn't everyone talk about the power of positive thinking. I'm going to try and keep that mind set. It's time, I'm ready and it will happen. Maybe he's not the one, but he could be.

Jinx jinx jinx. Too bad!

Overanalyzing Again

I don't know why I'm still nitpicking on my relationship with John (G), but I am. I guess it comes out of the frustration of having to start dating all over again, and not feeling that spark or compatibility with anyone new. And when we start new, after something that we thought was good, we end up always comparing it to that one before. I'm looking for that best friend again, someone that makes me laugh, someone that I'm dying to call when something good or bad happens, someone I can be happy laying around with saying or doing absolutely nothing. And it's all his fault.

Last night, I got annoyed. I'm angry all over again. First of all, from the very beginning, I told him that since neither one of us were relocateable, that we would never be more than friends. He was warned not to romance me or pursue me because it would probably work; and he swore he wasn't, but of course, he was. You don't talk on the phone for hours at a time, several times a day, emailing and IMing in between those calls, with just a friend. He knew he was reeling me in.

And I'm also angry that he chickened out when we both realized it was so much more. I finally allowed myself to become attached and rely on him and love him, and he admitted those feelings for me, and he gave me my movie moment, and then he bailed. We finally got to the visit where our real feelings were out in the open and we were able to express and enjoy them while physically together and he got scared and pushed me away. He used the excuse that we got carried away, as a reaction to my health crisis. But I knew...I knew he couldn't deal with these feelings and not being able to be with me because of the distance. He dragged me into this and then wussied out.

Lastly, I'm pissed at him to figure out that I've been no different than every other sucker that falls for him. Every last one of us believes that we're special, believes that they have a best friend in him, believes that we would make such a great family together. It's a shtick. Yes, I was the only one to get an "I love you" out of him, as more than a friendly "luv ya," but it was fleeting. It pains me to know that he may just lump me in with the rest of the spreadsheet, that I was just one more foolish woman that got carried away, thinking we were something more than the rest.

Mostly, I'm pissed at myself for allowing this to happen and for those weak moments when I still regret not being able to be with him and dream of being at peace with our picket fence in Stepford and our happy ending.