It's Already Out There

Well I did it. I went on a date. With a local. Wow!

For the past year and a half, I have been on dating hiatus. Yes, I was involved with two men and quasi-involved with another, but those don't count as dating. None lived locally. If they're not local, you can't go on a date. You can chat online, talk on the phone and plan visits, but you can not date. This is why I consider it a dating hiatus.

For the past 9 months, I have removed myself from the market - outside of those long distance romances, which were not supposed to be "exclusive" but that's another topic for another day - and have been in a self-inflicted exile. I needed to deal with my illness and did not make for the greatest catch. I leaned on my out-of-town sweetie for awhile and he was a wonderful distraction and support. But going through this experience made me realize how important it is to have someone by your side. Physically.

I go back and forth on whether it's time. The treatments are done, I'm considered healthy and I have the time. But my hair's not back yet. I still don't feel so attractive and hate the idea of having to explain why you can't put your hands through my hair while we're kissing.

I did it anyway. I put myself out there. I got myself a little crush on an online writer and decided to send him a note. Emails ensued and then the IMs and the date was set. Holy Shit, I was going on a date.

I like him, but I knew from the phone call, even before the date, that he wouldn't be right for me. The offline persona didn't match the online persona - again, another topic for another time. But I went on that date, regardless. I had fun, he's a good guy, just not relationship material for me...and I don't need another fling and don't believe in "friends with benefits." I have too many issues - the "it's not you, it's me" cliche is playing in my head.

The good part in this is I realized it's time. It's time for me to stop hiding and get my ass out there. I put myself out there, it didn't happen, and I survived and I even had fun! Will I find Mr. Right on the next date? It could happen. Or maybe not. Doesn't matter. The dating has begun. I can't take it back, it's already out there.