Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder - Part Deux

He called, and that's like a hit of Xanax.

Told you he gets to sleep easy.

What I Did on My Christmas Break, by Helene

I invited about 10 or so people and their kids to go Roller Skating yesterday, and unfortunately, last minute planning didn't work out.

I was getting back on skates for the first time in 4 years, since I had broken my ankle ice skating and was terrified of another rowdy little boy taking me out, again.

The 3 who said yes ended up cancelling, last minute, so it ended up just me and my girl. The place was empty - maybe 20 people, making it a perfect time to face my fear, gently. I wasn't a great skater to begin with, but I could at least stay alive and vertical.

My first treat was when my daughter confessed she was happy that no one else could make it, so we could bond. Then she did all in her power to try and trip me up - or in her mind, she just wanted to hold on to help me out, but that was even scarier.

My next treat was that I did, once again, stay alive and vertical. After the first hour, I was a natural. Well, if a natural flings it's arms out in all directions like a character actor trying to stay up after slipping on a banana peel, then that was me.

But we had fun, my girl and I. As a matter of fact, a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back and do it again!

And to those who couldn't make it...nanny nanny, poo poo.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder

I almost forgot what it's like when you're dating and actually see the person more than once or twice. First we need to quantify and qualify what is a date. Does the 1-hour coffee meet and greet - to decide if there might be an attraction - count as a first date? Does a big get together count, if they show up and are part of the group? If you're a "third date" big deal person, you really want to know. And if you're a "third date makes it okay to do the deed" person, it helps even more.

Let's say you do the meet and greet, then some time passes, and he shows up to the group get together you planned and invited him to. When you finally get to the actual date, is that now a third or a first date? Let's throw in one more date for good measure. Maybe it's your fourth, maybe it's your second...you don't know and you say WTF and do the deed, cause you're in the mood and attracted and somebody's drunk. At this point, I think it's okay to move on to overanalyzation.

You mention to your new special friend that you went to find his profile again on that dating site where you first met, and tell him it's no longer there. He tells you "I know, I don't need to be there anymore." "Hmmmm, is this about me?" you wonder. Or could it be a big giant ball of confusion thrown your way and you've forgotten your catcher's mitt? The girly girl is hoping it's about you, but the skeptic is saying this is a lot deeper than that. Now you overanalye yourself, and decide it's obvious - you're way too insecure to just accept that it's about you...overanalyzing him, you figure it just can't be that simple, he's a pretty deep guy.

After that date, where he took you to his office party, he tells you how his boss joked after meeting them that he bets "you don't have a girlfriend anymore." The overanalyzation kicks in big time, wondering what man would use the word girlfriend and not be denying it to the boss and making it perfectly clear to you that you're not his girlfriend. "Is he saying that he's my boyfriend?" you're wondering. "Am I ready to commit?" You're in complete shock after dating a half dozen men over the years that can say "I love you" but refuse to commit to dating exclusively.

Panic disorder sets in. The questions fly through your head, racing to whether this guy is marriage material because why bother going on a fifth date with someone who's not, especially if he already thinks you're his girlfriend. And it's very possible he said it but is not that clueless and you've taken the relationship five years into the future, and he's still back on date number three because the meet and greet and group get together doesn't count. You text message him to invite him out with your friends and he can't make it. You beat yourself up for turning into "too much, too soon" chick and are convinced he's done with you. Of course, it's most likely just in your own head, but you can forget about ever thinking about anything else but where you went wrong, for the next 24 hours. You've gone from worrying about his thinking you're a psycho stalker chick to truly being neurotic.

And meanwhile, he's sleeping easy.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned...

It has been 35 days since my last posting.

I have been eagerly searching out money for nothing with the "get paid to" world. Epiphanies are hitting me left and right as to how I will amass my fortunes. And for some strange reason, I'm still poor.

OK, Anthony Robbins, here goes...

Who am I?

First Response:
I'm an intelligent, strong willed, passionate, dramatic, mom; a weight obsessed food addict; an internet junkie; frustrated, insecure, self-critical, snobby, confused, lonely woman.

Expanded Response:
I'm a woman with intelligence, who is logical and analytical; I'm a mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest person; I am passionate about ideas and things that bother me or excite me or make me happy; I am hard on myself but striving to improve; I'm an internet expert and enthusiast; I have high standards for others but more so on myself.

New Response - who I will be:
I'm a strong, confident, intelligent woman that has a passion for her work and hobbies; I'm a great mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest and proud person; I'm beautiful and strong and a catch for some lucky man; I have accomplished a lot and worked hard for it; I'm a cancer survivor and proud; I am confident and motivated.

Morning Rambles

I didn't realize it had been about a month since my last post. I suppose it's time for something big and great and epiphany-like. However, it's just not there. I'm working hard on me, but apparently not hard enough. And that's a prime example. I need not to beat myself up for being imperfect.

I wish I could feel that spirituality and excitement for my personal growth. I wish I could believe in it so that I could start to feel it. I read a book, or listen to one on CD, about success and I just don't get excited. I need that momentum. I need to think positive, for more than just the time it takes to get through that book or CD. I need to allow myself those mini-breakdowns without worrying that the world might notice I have issues. I want to take a break from exuding inner strength...a break from having inner strength. I want not to feel like I need a break.

Inspiration

So often over the years, I've been told I'm an inspiration for my strength. I'd never felt it though. It was easy to be strong, I had no choice. There was no fighting, there was just allowing doctors to do what they needed to and my going through the motions. I didn't have to work that hard or push myself, I just showed up when and where they told me and continued on with the rest of my life as best I could. I suppose I could've become a basket case and shut off the world and stopped going through the motions...I've seen that happen. That's just not me, that didn't come naturally. Following what I'm told is "right," that's me. But I digress.

What do I find an inspiration? The people that go through those motions but do have a choice; that don't "have to" fight for their life or show up, in order to stay alive. They have a plan, a schedule, a set of rules and guidelines for keeping themselves healthy and fit. They go to the gym, without questioning whether the "feel like it" or not. They eat when they're hungry and stop, even when not full, because they know what's appropriate. They drink lots of water, no coffee, don't smoke and take vitamins and supplements. And there's no question or complaint or options. It's just their lifestyle, not a phase or means to an end.

I want that. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to wake up and do what's the best for my health without feeling it's a chore. I want to just go to the gym without mentally justifying not going; and be one of those people that actually enjoys it, not who stares at the clock, hoping it's almost over. I want to eat a serving and not wonder where, when and what I'm going to eat next. I want to enjoy what I eat, but without issues.

But I am who I am, though I can attempt to adjust and work on improving myself. However, I will continue to admire and find inspiration in those that do live the lifestyle without question or contempt. Because as long as I have to get my ass to the gym, and fight for my body to stay healthy and get in shape, then there will always be question and contempt.

The Queen Helene Show

If I sit back and look at my life and my friends and my family and the conversations that take place, it amazes me that I'm not watching a sitcom. The cast of characters is like nothing and everything you'd see on tv. From the annoying mother that lives in her own universe to the sidekick buddy that seems to be flooded with issues. And of course, you have the star of the show, who seems the most centered and "normal" compared to the rest of the cast. But the episode continues on and the comedy unfolds as she does, as well.

I am that leading lady. And just when it feels I'm the centered "normal" one, the phone rings, the door opens, the email arrives and the scene changes. The world around me unfolds and I feel my mind slipping away. The neurosis kicks in and I'm flustered and frenzied and becoming the center of that comedy. Sure, it's funny in hindsight, and funny to my viewers. But now I can feel Frazier Crane's angst as his father insists on keeping the ugly lazy chair in the center of his Ethan Allen living room; or Grace's frustration that she's fallen for another gay guy; or Peter Brady's fear as the lamp breaks, because mom always said "don't play ball in the house." It's only when I remember to take a step off the stage and take a look at the screen, that I can laugh.

Being in the center of a real-life sitcom is actually pretty funny most of the time...and pretty sad and frustrating and complicated at other times. The ability to laugh at yourself, though, is one of the most rewarding and grounding traits a person can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd much rather be a sitcom queen, than a drama queen.

A Different Perspective

Almost three years ago, when I changed cubicles, my new neighbor declared my lack of decoration boring and tacked up this poster of a seal called "A Different Perspective." Only, she hung it upside down - her reasoning being that this would be a different perspective. Two moves later, that same poster hangs in my office on a real wall, still upside down.

Three years ago, I fell in love for the first time since my divorce, with a man I thought was perfect. We seemed so compatible and happy together, had so much fun and great conversation, and amazing chemistry. And when he told me he was having a great time but I wasn't what he was looking for long term, I let the relationship continue. I told myself I was just going to enjoy the moment but most likely I'm sure I was convinced things might change. Even when he went back to his ex-girlfriend, I remained a side dish. Many trials and tribulations and a year later in that relationship, I ceased all contact with him. I was heartbroken but knew that this was the only way for me to get past it.

One year after that, on a whim, I got back in touch. I was going through chemo, a bit reminiscent of happier moments in my life, and sure I could now handle it. We saw each other a couple of times and even played around.

Our contact had been fairly infrequent over this past year, since resuming contact. Every now and then, there's a lengthy chat where I'm reminded of how much I enjoy talking and being with him. Some time ago, caught in a half-joke, he started coming over from time to time, on Tuesday nights. What our Tuesday nights amounted to are, these days, more commonly referred to as "bootie calls."

I'm coming off a year of intense health issues, so am not looking for another drama. I've had two years apart from being with him to process who he is and I'm no longer blinded by the euphoria of new love. And what I'm looking for is a distraction in my life, not a new focus. A long term relationship? Probably not. It's really all a matter of perspective...and today, I'm coming from a different perspective.

Spam Dammers!

I just had to put on word verification for my comments section, thanks to a happy spammer who kept posting crappy links on my blog.

For those who legitimately want to comment, thanks for taking the added step.

:-)

Digging Deeper

So I've given up dating with the idea that it would be unfair to my potential suitors. How can I put myself out there, have someone fall in love with me, only to die on them? I can promise you happily ever after, but I just can't tell you how long that ever after will be - it may be sooner than you'd have imagined. I feel it would be like trying to sell some sucker a lemon - sure it's a pretty car, but it may just start giving you problems here and there, slowly torturing and frustrating you until it just gives up and dies in the middle of rush hour traffic on I-95. Yep, I likened myself to a car and one that sucks. Pretty great attitude to lug around day after day. And, I've made myself into a martyr that has given up dating to potentially save a mystery man from a broken heart. What a gal!

Let's dig deeper. Let's suppose this is an excuse. Could it be that I'm worried about that man looking at me and seeing a lemon, so I cut him off at the pass? Perhaps, I put myself out there and no one is interested. Who am I saving the broken heart, him or me? Maybe it's not so much that I don't want to sell someone a lemon as that I don't want to have to sell so hard, knowing it's a lemon. Yep, self-deprecating again.

This is where I'm going wrong. In either scenario, I'm ruining any shot of happiness with someone else by not seeing myself as worthy. Am I worthy of someone loving me, if it's only for a short time? Am I worthy of being loved even if it means that someone's going to have to be my caretaker at some point? Am I worthy of being loved if my body is full of scars and my hair is not the long flowing mane it once was? Will someone find me attractive again and worthy of all the work that's involved in loving me?

It all starts with me. I need to read that paragraph and answer those questions for myself and say "hell ya!" or better yet, "duh!" If I see myself as a lemon, that's what I project. I want a man to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful, amusing, brilliant woman he's ever met. And I need to see that woman first, before I'll ever be able to enveil her to the world.

I'm not sure if it's time to start dating again, but it's definitely time to start making lemonade out of this lemon.

New Goals

1 - Programming of modern-chick.com to be completed by Sep 16. Complete content for Modern-chick by September 30.

2 - Lose the inital WW 10% by October 15.

3 - Consistently go to the gym 4x/week. Do weight training 1x/wk.

4 - Read (or audiobook) at least one self-improvement book per month - either business or personal.

5 - Get finances worked out. Create realistic budget for household spending by 10/1.

Goal assessment

Let's review the old and assess:

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15
NO...maybe I'll revisit this after dedicating myself to getting modern-chick.com up and running for awhile. I think I'd like to consider partnering with someone on this venture.

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete Oooh, sorry, no again

3) Get finances under control -

Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
Look into refinancing by 10/31

I refinanced, budget was under control only thanks to a lawsuit settlement

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1
Can't remember when, but she's been doing ice skating for almost a year now

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12
That gym sucked, but have been going regularly since Memorial Day, at LA Fitness

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel
Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1
I have her every 3rd weekend now and we keep busy with friends

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12
There's just no time for this with the gym routine...not quite sure this is for me anymore, other than occasionally for fun.

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26
I just can't do it, I have been dating, but I need to stick with low key casual for now, until I'm comfortable with myself.

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25
Can't remember what I did here, definitely not a schedule - can't with the meetings that come about everyday. I have set goals with my boss and accomplished all - most on the timeline laid out.

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1
Ideas are there, just not flowing nor developing

Word of the Day - Deify

A friend of mine, having recently heard from a number of former girlfriends, told me that the women seem to have deified him in their memory. Each enjoyed reminiscing on "the good old days." Even he was aware that he wasn't the great boyfriend being remembered.

It struck a chord with me. After the time apart from my old flame, touching base again, I felt I was going in with eyes wide open. I still enjoyed talking with him, and I'll admit, a "no strings" night of fun from time to time, but finally saw him as he was...imperfect and unattainable, a far cry from the way I saw him while we were together.

But loneliness and dissatisfaction will do a number on a person's memory and emotions. A long conversation and a hot night later, I found my mind wandering. An incredible lover, an amazing motivator, personable and fun and serious when it's called for, so much to offer for the long term - these were all the thoughts rolling around my mind. "What if I..." and "maybe he would..." There my brain goes into the creative area - where movie moments come true and everybody lives happily ever after.

"They all seem to be deifying me, forgetting how and why it ended." He shook me back into reality. I am one of these women, deifying my old flame, instead of remembering how his superficiality broke my heart. He's an incredible lover instead of he's a man who is screwing 3 or 4 different women at a time. He's an amazing motivator instead of a perfectionist who expects no less in others. He has so much to offer for the long term instead of he would never be with me for the long term.

Fantasy and daydreaming are fun, and quite honestly, he is a lot of fun. But I need to keep my head on straight and stop deifying a man that could very easily, if I let him, break my heart over and over again. And he really is a great man, but he's no god.

I Like My Life? Go Figure

When John told me about his successes, and the business he has in the works that will soon bring him millions, I responded "I want your life." He told me he hears that a lot.

I was thinking about it later. As much as I'd like that financial success, I don't really want his life. Not that there's anything wrong with it. He pretty much accomplishes everything he sets out to achieve, he's independent, seems incredibly happy, and he lives the life he wants to be living. Sure, I would like to say those things about myself. But in my life, not his.

I shocked myself when I heard my internal voice saying "I like my life." Holy shit, what's that about? I had the year from hell, with my health. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. There's a struggle between desperately wanting to be in a relationship and not wanting to deal with men at all, not feeling like I'm dating material. And yet, I like my life?

I don't have the big fancy house I want, or even the modest one. But I have my condo, which I've bought, decorated, maintained and made a home on my own.

I don't have a man in my life, and rarely have that spark with the ones I meet. But I do have a few good friends that are there for me and keep me busy with a social life.

I'm not overly wealthy or completely financially secure. But no longer am I struggling, as I used to, and I pay all my bills on time. I never question which bill I should pay, instead of paying them all.

My job is not paying me what I'm worth or what the industry commands. But I've grown in the company and am working towards my own business that will challenge me to get there.

I will spend the rest of my life worrying everytime there's a pain or odd feeling, that cancer will return. But for today, I have no evidence of disease.

I cry, and feel sad and frustrated and angry and confused. But I also laugh. I laugh a lot.

So, if anyone's paying attention out there. I take it back. I don't want his life. I just want to accomplish what I set out to achieve, be happy and independent, and live the life I want to be living, like he does. And I think I'd also ask for the confidence and peace of mind to appreciate the life I have today. I think I'm on my way.

Survivor's Guilt

"In the special case of chronic illness, survivor guilt can occur after the deaths of peers who faced the same diagnosis. By definition, there is an implied comparison with people who have endured similar ordeals."

"Survivor guilt explores the other side of the coin of why me? --namely, why not me? "

"Some survivors may keep a low profile to avoid spotlighting this contrast of outcomes."

"Survivor guilt may exist for a reason...It may help survivors cope with the helplessness and powerlessness of being in a life-threatening situation without the ability to protect or save others."

© 2004 Brain Tumor Society

All About Me

I hate making this all about me but that's where my brain keeps going back. My mom just called me about an hour ago to tell me that my uncle had passed. At first, not a tear, and I wasn't expecting that.

I want to cry for him but when the tears started, it was all about me. My aunt and uncle didn't seem to have such a great marriage, until later on, after the kids were out. They did everything together and flirted and talked about their sex life like they were teenagers. They had their til death do us part. I want that.

And then it really came back to all about me. This could be my "next time." I take for granted that I beat cancer twice already. But did I? Does anyone really beat it or do we just spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to come back? Cancer kills. It may not have killed me yet, but it killed him. What happens when there's no more body parts left to remove through surgery? My chemo was preventative, what if I needed it to save me? It didn't save him.

And they're looking at me now. My mother told me how she's so grateful and gives prayers of thanks to G-d that I survived this, especially after seeing him last week. I fear his family will look at me and wonder why I'm still here and he's not. I don't want anyone looking at me.

But I need to be there and show my aunt and cousins that I'm with them, that I'm just like them, saying goodbye to a family member whom we lost to Cancer. And I need for a moment to be about him and about them and not show them the tears of what this means to me.

Practice

She looks to her left and can only imagine what those women must be thinking. They've got no clue. Grabbing the end of her sleeve into her fist, she uses the back of her hand to wipe the tears away.

Her eyes go back down below, watching her daughter on the ice. A small smile finds its way to the corner of her lips. Not graceful at all, but damn, she's cute.

The big puzzle that has been left unsolved for the past 10 years is finally starting to come together. The pieces still need to be moved around and turned a few times to fit into place. But she's almost there.

"It's not about me, it's about her." That inner voice is speaking, telling her to look in another direction. "He wanted me here. He needed me here for her. He still needs me. She needs me."

Most people question "why me" when something horrible goes wrong. Not her. She questions why she was saved, spared; why she lives to face it again someday. Peace would finally come, if not. The calm she craves more than anything.

Another tear forms, as the blonde figure skates in a circle, trying so hard and smiling at her teacher. That little baby grew into this little person. And she loves and trusts and sees her mommy, and never questions it for a moment. Her daughter has no idea how lucky her mother feels to have her; how happy she makes her and how much more she means to her than to a woman who has carried her child.

But at this moment, this woman realizes that they were gifts to each other. She realizes that He gave her to the child to watch out for her, to be the mommy that she needs, that she deserves. And it was He that saved her, not once but twice, from the disease. The first time to await her birth, the next to continue to protect and guide and love her like no other could. She hopes that one day, should her time no longer be required, her daughter will know what an honor it was to have held that place in her universe.

Daydreams

I thought about what it would have been like to have you there, going through chemo. I didn't let anyone in, and I didn't want anyone to see me. The one time I had someone with me, I squirmed, so upset that I wouldn't have my privacy. But I daydreamed that you were with me.

My mind was fuzzy, as the Adivan normally did to me. But I opened my eyes and looked at you. You smiled that goofy grin, yet said nothing. I tensed up from the butterflies of the adrenaline rush caused by the anti-histamine. You reached your hand onto my shoulder and massaged it, trying to relax me. I look into your eyes as mine start to tear. I blink the tears down to my cheeks as I drift off, once again.

I fade back into reality and feel those same tears rolling down my cheek. If only.

Another Dedication to the Clueless

I am constantly amazed by people who have no clue who they are. Sure, they can rattle off how they describe themselves, what they do for a living, what they want. But so much of the time, the adjectives are so far off of reality, I wonder where the hell they came up with that.

Yep, back to Jdate. An intelligent, hottie guy contacts me with a one-liner and the back and forth ensue. He flirts, I flirt, the phone number is passed. This man has presented himself as an intellectual, deep, spiritual marlboro man of an adventurer. The voice indicates the wizard has come out from behind the curtain.

He starts by talking about his indian name and Geronimo and dancing with wolves, moves on to his lobbying for the ACLU, switches into the universe will present me with the next experience bullshit, then asks why I think we're opposites.

As I begin to answer, he interrupts with the next question and before I can utter my "well, I..." he throws in a "women are so predictable." I inquire how I'm predictable and he moves on to a different question, why am I so confused? I tell him I'm not confused at all. Apparently my saying it's too early in the call to know if I'm interested makes me confused, since my email showed otherwise. "Sometimes the online and offline personas are not the same," I explained.

He keeps throwing out question after question without letting me answer, gets annoyed that I used the word "passionate" in a way to mean something other than sexual, and pretty much has the entire conversation on his own - putting the words into my mouth. He had the nerve to say "this is why I hate Jewish women" after meeting me on a Jewish dating site and leave me still not knowing why, this morning. He tells me I like to fight and he doesn't want a woman who wants to fight. I said "well, what is it you want? You keep trying to start that fight and making me defend myself." He says "I want peace. I want someone who's laid back and easy going." Good luck there, buddy. I was a lot more laid back until you came along.

Eventually, I discover what's making him mad. The cowardly wizard thought he was getting laid. "You shouldn't flirt if you don't mean it," he says. "I'm a flirt, but what is that supposed to mean?" He responds with a "okay, bye" and hangs up on me.

Amazing to me. This guy says he wants peace, yet he's the one stirring up the conflict. He believes he's this deep spiritual soul, yet he's not got the depth to even ask a single question about who I am or where I've been. He's waiting for the universe to show him the signs for his next adventure, yet he's got no clue how to read them.

If I hadn't just blocked him, I would've told him that before we can explore the world, we have to explore ourselves. And get a clue!