The "Massage"

So I forgot to waste work time going over the "massage" story. I just have to get this down though. I don't want to forget the beauty and irony here.

I decided to get a massage to help alleviate the incredible stress I've been feeling. Of course, I decide this at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon, knowing full well that no place will be able to take me on short notice and no place will even be open on a Sunday. So, I start my search online and find the Body & Soul Retreat - open Sundays. Woo hoo! I call. The gentleman is very kind. He tells me there's one opening left. I explain my need for sensitivity because I want to do this without the wig. He's very enthusiastic about helping me and explains how there are massages that work on your lymphatic system, and that he's got the perfect person to do it. He even rearranges schedules so that I can get this "specialist." He mentions a few "earthy" kinds of things to me, but I dismiss it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. I've completely psyched myself up to be annoyed before I even get there, imagining this person massaging me might actually want to talk to me. I've always had a policy of "no talking" during my massage. Of course, that policy is only in my brain because I'd never have the nerve to say out loud "no talking" to someone. I just can't relax, during a massage, if the person is talking to me. I want to relax and having chit chat with the help is not relaxing. G-d that sounded awful! Okay, I didn't mean it that way, but having to make small talk while trying to unwind doesn't work. I need to drift off and not think about whatever that person decides to talk about. I get there completely ready to be pissed off by this.

I was wrong. It wasn't talking that was about to piss me off. I'd hate to say I'm not spiritual, but I'm not into that earthy, yoga, granola, psychic energy, chakra shit. It's just that to me...bullshit. Frou Frou, mental fluff, bullshit. I was about to be knee deep in it.

From the meditation room to the sweet, calm, soothing speech Bonnie gave me to the clear your minds all the way through to the "how do you feel now" look of pride she gave me, I wanted to scream! Let me give you a hint of what a massage is. It's massaging the body!!! I knew it was a bad sign when she asked me as a "by the way" if I wanted her to also work on my back and neck. Um, duh! "Oh yeah," I said. "I want the whole thing." I meant my entire body. Apparently, not what she was thinking.

She took my hands and explained that the left one is my giving hand and my right is my receiving hand, and if I place them both on my heart, I am giving and receiving love to myself. Either that or I'm rehearsing for my wake. Oh wait, I'm Jewish, we don't do that. I digress.

Bonnie would put one hand under me, then the other would press gently on my arm or my stomach or my leg. Each spot, she'd just sit there like that for 5 minutes. All that kept running through my head was "if she doesn't start massaging in the next minute, I'm getting up." But I didn't. Finally, she seemed to be massaging my feet, but that was a quick 15 second rub to get the blood flowing for the next 5 minute "hold." Towards the end, yes, she massaged my back for 5 minutes. She took my bandana off to "massage my scalp." Again, we seemed to have a miscommunication. Massaging my scalp meant ruffling my fuzz like I was the pet cocker spaniel and had been a good dog.

It was over and I decided I would be honest with the owner. I would tell her that she should warn a first-time clients that a massage is not a real massage and to ask for that if that's what they want. But that was not to be. Just as I was about to let her have it, she went into her enthusiastic speech about how wonderful Bonnie is, and how I should try out her Yoga class as her guess at the Lighthouse Point location and how it's transformed her life. Oh well.

Wait, I forget the part that finally made me laugh. They pitch a "Ladies' Night Out" special. What she tells me sounds wonderful - we all are in robes, eating brie and drinking wine (ok, so I don't drink but it's a nice image) and getting manicures and pedicures and facials and massages. She encourages me to invite 10 -12 people and it's all for $200. I had heard her on the phone earlier pricing a kids' party for teenage girls at $475, so I'm curious how it's so cheap. I tell her about my single moms group and how I think this is a great idea. "Let me understand - $200 and we can have 10-12 women." Nope, I was wrong. $200 per person. I start laughing. She says she can work with me, we can change some of the services to make it more affordable. I tell her these are all single moms, there's no way we can swing it. She tells me to call her and they'll work with me.

I leave laughing.