It's amazing that I've been going crazy, yet I can't get myself to sit down and put my thoughts together into sentences. Maybe it's just like my lack of sharing with people. I'm not even expressing my thoughts on paper (or on the computer), let alone out loud. They just sit in my head, spin around and tear me up.

I don't know what it is or why I'm losing it, but I'm definitely feeling the emotion. I've been bitching since the beginning, but have generally kept a good disposition. Not this week. I'm feeling a big "fuck you" attitude for this crap. I don't want to go anymore and I don't want to put on my happy face. I want my hair back. It's not fun. I can own every wig they make, but it's not me, it's not comfortable and it's not good enough.

I have completely avoided worrying about my future, as far as my health is concerned. My focus is on the here and now, but this week that changed too. Will I have to go through this all over again? How often, how many times, how come?

I will try to get my good attitude back. I will try to choose happiness. But I need to forgive myself for these slips. I don't want to self pity, but I think it's fair to be frustrated. Am I a victim? Hopefully I don't present myself that way. I hate that quality in others so I need to be careful not to fall into that.

Oh well, going to end this post for now. I'm sure there's a lot more floating in my head, but I've got to work it out.