Where's My Damn Tiara?

A new life...a life in recovery

2011-04-23T06:39:00.003-04:00

So it's been over a year since my last post and things have changed.

A new life in a new home and a new-ish body.

In January of 2010, I returned to Overeaters Anonymous after failing the latest greatest "get thin" attempt and gaining back 15 pounds of a 25 pound weight loss.

It didn't stick. I disappeared again after a month.

Over the next few months, there were two instances of showing up to the parking lot but not making it out of the car.

In August, I felt broken. I could not go an entire day without "screwing up." My leg would literally shake as the obsessive compulsive thoughts drummed away in my head with a repetitive "gotta eat" chant. I knew I was sick.

At 190 pounds, I was far from my heaviest weight of 275, but I never felt fatter. I'd gained back 17 pounds and was well on my way back to 199.

199 was my highest weight since my gastric bypass surgery ten years before and the point where I'd hunted down Chantel, a local mini-celeb in the diet and fitness world, to convince her to take me on as a client. I once swore I'd never be 200 pounds again, so 199 was the "uh oh" moment. With Chantel, I was taught to focus on exercise as the key to everything. If you workout 5-6 days a week, you'll want to eat right. I proved her wrong.

Last August, on a Saturday morning, I walked through the doors of an OA meeting and sat in the back of the room. I cried throughout the entire meeting and spoke to no one.

Having been through eating disorder treatment and done the OA thing 18 years before, I was no stranger to the 12 steps and concepts. I wanted abstinence and I wanted to be happy, joyous and free.

I left that meeting but did not find abstinence that day.

"Keep coming back." That's the phrase we hear over and over in the 12 step rooms. I joke from time-to-time "when in doubt, just say 'keep coming back' if you don't know what to say."

So, I did just that. I came back the following Saturday. And I sat in the back of the room and again cried throughout the entire meeting.

I did not find abstinence.

The following Saturday, I returned. I sat in the back, by myself, and cried for the entire meeting.

When I left that day, I said to myself "don't eat until lunchtime...you can make it until lunchtime." Every few minutes I would look at my watch or a clock and see if it was lunchtime yet.

And then it was lunchtime.

When lunchtime was over, I said to myself "don't eat until dinner."

That day I found my abstinence.

I don't take credit for this miracle. If you really knew me then and even now, you'd know that those words do not come naturally or lightly. I'm not a big one for throwing the typical 12-step spiritual awakening lines out there. But that day, and every one since, I believe that G-d did for me what I could not do for myself.

I've come to believe that recognizing and accepting the spiritual and emotional recovery as what I needed the most help with, G-d took over on my physical recovery that day.

I have had abstinence since August 28th, 2010. My disease manifests in a constant need to eat and graze all day long. For that reason, I chose a food plan of 3 meals a day with no snacking (with an occasional planned snack for scheduling or social situations). I also gave up refined sugar and flour, simply because I'd heard others in the room on that plan.

My food plan has evolved as my strength in program has grown and with the help of a nutritionist. I do eat whole wheat flour and am not 100% anal retentive about whether sugar is the 3rd or 5th ingredient on a label.

I have lost around 45 pounds. I was as addicted to the scale as I was to the food, so I now abstain from compulsive weighing. I weigh-in once a week and put the scale back in the closet. I've found having the scale out is the same as sitting at the table for hours with the snack foods in front of me...if it's there, I want it.

As I mentioned, the emotional and spiritual recovery is as critical for me as the physical. I have been through a number of sponsors through the online resources and meetings. I had some really high expectations so it took me a while to even try to find one. The person had to have lost over 100 pounds, be thin and kept the weight off for 20 years. I met someone like that but when I asked her to sponsor me, she told me she wasn't available and pushed me off to a friend. She'd wanted me to call her and work on assignments from the workbook daily. It was more than I could juggle and didn't fit. She lost her abstinence while we were working together and that wasn't comfortable for me. After a month or so, I let her know I couldn't keep up and didn't want to waste her time, so we amicably parted ways.

Finally, I met someone who didn't meet all my requirements - she hadn't lost all the weight yet and hadn't been in program 20 years. However, I related to her personally and found that she "got it" when it came to her program and her sanity. She'd stood up for a 9 month chip at one meeting, then she spoke at the next, and at the next meeting she'd been "stepped up" - meaning she could now sponsor all 12 steps.

I took a chance and asked her if she'd sponsor me. It's a sponsorship and relationship that works for me...I get the guidance I need without the pressure of daily call and assignment due dates. She is as busy as I am and leads a similar "single professional working mom" lifestyle and gets it. We text message.

I'm working my program and the steps. Today, I'm on Step 6. I've learned a lot about myself, and let go of the idea that I don't have emotions and am superwoman strong. I've come to realize that my anxiety and other fears have dominated my life and are what I need most to address for my recovery.

Abstinence is not easy every day, but most days it is. My relationship with G-d has been a matter of "acting as if" and practice. It's become more natural for me to have an internal conversation about surrendering and letting G-d handle what I can not.

Have the promises come true yet? No, but I have faith that they will. Recovery is a journey and I'm grateful to be on the road.

Serendipity

2009-12-18T17:48:00.003-05:00

If you somehow come across this post on this blog unknown to you, take it as a sign that it was meant for you to read this.

So you would have no regrets as you did for all those years before we "found" each other again, you said "I love you, Helene" as you said goodbye. Responding to that would have been selfish on my part, so I let your words become our final words.

I hope and believe that, in your heart and mind, you know...I love you, too.

Gratitude Has A Following

2009-09-05T08:31:00.006-04:00

As a daily reminder to myself, I began posting "gratitude" messages as my status on Facebook. It turns out that these are much more appreciated than status updates about what I'm working on, watching on TV, planning to do for the day or thinking for a moment.

It just occurred to me that if my brief status update of gratitude can get people going, then imagine what can be done with a full blog post.

Firstly, here's my disclosure statement. Reread my first sentence and you'll see my gratitude messages were intended as daily reminders to myself. So in writing these blog posts, I'm hoping to push myself even further into remembering to be grateful for my life and the people, places and things in it.

If you happen to come across my blog or status update, and it affects you in some way, then that's just icing on the cake. I hope that it may inspire you to do the same and pass the feelings on to someone else.

Now, I can't promise that I'm any different or better than some of the awesome inspirational and self-motivating blogs or websites out there. I can only promise that I'm sharing my own thoughts and feelings and hopes, and that I do hope to affect someone else in a positive way, every so often.

It's been awhile...

2009-07-27T09:53:00.003-04:00

Over four months have passed since my last post so I wonder if I have let too much of my rollercoaster of emotions slip by undocumented. If this blog is a time capsule of where I've been, are there some blackouts? Or maybe it was just so much of the same sentiment as the last post written that nothing new could be said.

It's true that I have hovered over the borderline between "over it" and "but, what if," for a very long time. But as I inch closer to moving back to my own home, I feel more hopefulness towards my new beginning than avoiding the ending. I'm truly looking forward to "what if's" of my future and letting go of him, without hate and resentment.

Spending time with someone new has reminded me of what I knew when I had chosen to leave so many months ago...that I could laugh again, that I would feel passion again, that just being myself could be impressive enough.

Who knows where this will go or if it'll go past today. I may have moments of reflection that pulls me back for an instant, but hope has always driven me forward and I have many more moments of hope these days.

It just feels good to feel good again.

The Truth

2009-04-13T11:10:00.005-04:00

The truth is that love doesn't just go away overnight because you're angry with a person and it doesn't just stop because you want it to.

The truth is that I'm still glad to see his car in the lot when I pull in.

The truth is that I try to find excuses to talk to him during the day.

The truth is that I miss his looking at me, smiling and sighing.

The truth is that I would do anything to turn back the clock and not know some of the things I now know and have learned some of the other things a bit sooner.

The truth is that I wish I could have let go when I really needed to...let go of my ego, let go of my resentment, let go of my defenses.

The truth is that I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.

The truth is that I would do things so much differently despite how hard I believed I worked at this, and despite his being so much to blame.

The truth is that it hurts to sit beside him in the car and not hold his hand.

The truth is that I long to feel him spooning me when I lay in bed at night.

The truth is that knowing I will love again doesn't make this pain go away.

The bell that ends the match

2009-03-22T07:43:00.003-04:00

Should I stay or should I go was answered for me when the text message came in "Helene, u should know that we never had sex but guess he thinks like Clinton. Can do other stuff but as long as it's not that, he did nothing wrong."

In one simple text message, this woman who was seeing my fiance behind my back for almost four months gave me what the man who claimed he loved me and wanted to marry me did not...closure. I begged him for the truth - begged him to lay it on the line for me, letting him know I needed his brutal honesty to help me move on, to please do it for me. Again, he swore nothing happened, not even a kiss.

It's painful to learn that it was worse than Clinton...this insecure and egotistical weak man picked up a woman at a bar where his band played and pursued her romantically. The oral sex was just icing on the cake, I suppose. He said all the right things a woman wants to hear, made all the romantic gestures, sent love letters and poems, left notes for her with the hostess of the restaurant she was going to with friends. He PURSUED her, it wasn't something that happened at the heat of the moment or during a drunken night out. He went out looking for a relationship.

The truth is that I had been looking to leave for a long time, two months in fact. I'd been out with a realtor and confided in a few friends that I would be leaving him when I found the right home. But as soon as he told me he thought it was over, I tried to restore hope...the fighter in me jumping up from the mat for a few last punches. And he was questioning his decision, I could see it. Yet, he was still holding back and I knew that if he truly were still in love with me and didn't have someone else, that he would've fallen for it. The point that he was still resistant, combined with his history of cheating at the end of his previous two major relationships with justification stories behind it, told me that something was going on.

I did my homework...only too well. Sometimes it's better not to know the whole truth because it can haunt you. So a couple of my friends had told me to stop digging, and have given me an "I told you so" since. But for me, as much as this hurts, I needed to know the truth. A fighter needs to hear the bell to give themselves permission to stop trying to get up.

The text message was the bell that ended the match. I'm feeling my bruises and questioning my moves but I'll heal and move on. I didn't intend my romantic life to be a death match. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Should I stay or should I go? It should have never been questioned, after I'd made my own decision two months ago. The only decision left to make is where to and how soon.

Back to Movie Logic

2009-03-15T09:02:00.003-04:00

Sometimes being analytical and logical can be a bad thing. In this case, sometimes means in matters of the heart. Try to break down your relationship into what works and doesn't work, your compatibility and flexibility, your desires and goals for the future and you may find that it's great on paper. You may also find that it sucks on paper. But what happens when it falls short in the mathematical equation of a good relationship and your heart won't let you hear it?

The logical part of the brain - the left side - tells you run, run for the hills! But the feeling, creative, imaginative part - the right side - tells you he loves you and you love him and anything is possible when there's love. Can you figure out that it's those right brained folks that write those beatiful romance novels?

That right side of my brain wants so badly to take the shotgun to the left side of my head and kill the hope. My right side sees hope and love and romance and movie moments. But my dang left side is ruining the movie!

Having read the books on making movies, it's always after the lowest moment in the relationship, the biggest fuck up or betrayal or disappointment, that makes it possible for the reunion so much more joyous. Without the low point in the movie, the high point or resolution can't exist as a contrast.

So there's some logic in a movie formula. For the best moments of your life to exist, you have to know the worst by comparison. No one could understand the true joy and meaning my daughter brings to me without understanding what it felt like to hear I would never have children. No one would understand the relief of the clean bill of health from a regular checkup without understanding the fear of being told I have cancer.

Logic in the movie would say that I would find no greater romantic love than the rediscovery of the great love that was lost.

But here's the analyst coming. This is not a movie. This is life. Life has taught me that movie logic is an escape, not a reality. How many times has my life worked out to the formula of a movie? How often does a man or woman truly change the parts of themselves that cause the conflict, in real life, as opposed to the movies?

And the logical, analytical woman leaves the theater and heads back to real life. She wonders why life can't be like a movie and gets stuck in "analysis paralysis."

Analysis paralysis in business is where you can’t make any forward progress because you bog yourself down in details, tweaking, brainstorming, research and … anything but just getting on with it. Sound familiar?

Here's where I am today...the details are bogging me down from the "should I stay or should I go" decision. Why? Because the two freaking sides of my brain are at war with each other! In the immortal words of Sandy in Grease..."my head is saying 'fool, forget him. My heart is saying don't let go...'"

Ergo, analysis paralysis. Stupid movies!

Just Breathe

2009-03-10T11:10:00.002-04:00

My heart aches and the survivor in me tries to find a way to stay afloat, to keep hope alive. But sometimes, in love, hope is what leads women to do stupid things.

We hope the person we love unconditionally will love us back the same way, but that's not always the case. We hope if we try harder or give more of ourselves that the other person will, too; but often no effort comes from him, only blame. We hope that they can't live without us and we are destroyed to find they can. We hope that the text messages are from a friend, knowing they're likely from someone more. We hope that love conquers all, knowing perfectly well it doesn't.

What would I do if I got there...

2009-03-09T08:59:00.002-04:00

So I killed a day in line at a Biggest Loser casting call, and it was the first time in my life that I thought I might be too thin. It was also the first time that I lied about my weight by stating it a few pounds heavier than I am.

Anyway, my group interview randomly asked questions to individuals:
1 - why do you want to do this?
2 - what will you do when you're thin?
3 - what has being overweight prevented you from doing?

I got the "why do you want to do this" question and I don't think I picked my best story, but it was truthful. A great big "once and for all, reach the finish line" type of answer...I totally should've played the cancer card.

But here's where I'm going, I had plenty of time to think about my answers to these 3questions, while 10 people were being interviewed before me. And most of my honest answers revolved around having the confidence to pursue things.

So this morning, I'm thinking about whether it's really not being thin that's preventing me from pursuing a better, happier life or if it's just my lack of confidence. Do I really need to be on a reality show to reach the finish line with this? Or do I want those things bad enough to do what I've got to do?

It's not wanting to be thin, it's those things that I see coming with being thin. It's the confidence to say I'm good enough and people will like what I have to say and listen. It's the confidence to say "yeah, I did it and so can they" and feel worthy of inspiring others. That's what I would want to do if I were thin...I'd want to write and speak and motivate and inspire others. Not just to lose weight, but to believe in THEIR own power and ability. To have faith in life working out and the ability to make things happen, and their power to control it.

But the problem is that if I don't believe in my own power, how could I motivate others to take control of their lives and find their power?

Today is the day I need to take control of my life and find my "once and for all" and have the confidence to know that I can make it happen.

I can always record myself on video, too, if I feel the need for a reality show, and I just might.

Stay tuned...

Bitch Tits

2009-03-03T12:55:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading...well, listening to "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea" on CD. If you've read the book, get the audio version, you have to hear her read it the way she hears it in her own mind.

Oh, the title of this post...that's her term of endearment for her father. Makes me want to make up some loving nicknames for my own family members.

This one's for Snot Flicker!

Untitled Nonsense - Dedicated to Gayle, My One Loyal Reader

2009-02-24T14:46:00.003-05:00

So how does one get their sense of humor back?

I used to pride myself on being funny. Now, I wasn't the funniest in the bunch. Over the years, I came across plenty of folks funnier than I am, but still I knew I had a great sense of humor and was good at making people laugh.

I just don't feel like the funny girl anymore. Where the hell did my sense of humor go? When did I start censoring myself to cracking a joke here and there rather than going for it at every opportune moment?

I know, let's blame it on my significant other. It's all his fault. If a lacking sense of humor is contagious, and I've spent enough time with him to catch any disease he may be carrying, this seems like a valid diagnosis. That bastard.

Do you think if I swab my nostrils with some Zicam I'll be funny again...or is the homeopathic stuff not strong enough for this symptom.

Hey, there's something to move us along. It's a symptom, not a disease. So if my sluggish sense of humor is a symptom, what the heck is the problem...and what's the cure?

So let's go to the whiteboard that House uses to come up with a diagnosis.

Symptoms

Sluggish sense of humor

Okay, so House usually just has one symptom on the board to start with. If you fast forward on the DVR, you'll get to some other symptoms. Let's FF.

Insert White Board Here

Symptoms

Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating

Hmmmm, seems to me like House would now diagnose me with depression or some kind of personality disorder. That is, until I started puking blood and sweating from my toenails.

OMG, I have a rash! There's something really going on here...back to the whiteboard!

Symptoms

Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
Rash on belly

Crap, just remembered...I ran out of my fragrance free fabric softener last week and had to do a load with the pretty smelling stuff.

Cross out "rash on belly." Wish I knew HTML for cross outs.

Symptoms

Sluggish sense of humor
Annoyed easily
Poor eating
~~Rash on belly~~

G-d I love Google!

Anyway, since Gayle's 70% effaced and her cervix is as open as a fingertip, and I want to get there in time for the delivery of my goddaughter, I'll FF to the end of this episode of House.

It's a personality disorder, in the end. But my significant other's. His personality is draining me of my joy and and my sense of humor. I really have it in me to be funny, and it's about time for me to come back to me and not relying on his attitude towards me to determine my own happiness.

Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and he will have missed the chance to have my contagiousness spread the joy to him.

Wait, not nice to blame. Someday soon, I'm going to be really happy again...and it will be a result of my choosing happiness despite circumstances around me!

Natural-ish - Bioidentical Hormones, Here We Come

2008-06-07T13:54:00.004-04:00

So maybe I should've mentioned that I was thinking my "I hate everything" attitude might be attributed to hormonal imbalances.

Over a year ago, I told my doctor that I was concerned by all the negative things I'd been reading about hormone replacement therapy, having been on it for over six years. I inquired about something more natural, as I'd been advised by my fiance's uncle, a homeopathic professional. Dr. C told me a little bit about bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, but not much. He referred me on to an OBGYN that was working with bioidentical hormones.

Due to a lack of time or maybe a lack of desire to take more time out of work to go to one more doctor's appointment, I blew it off for over a year.

Then, I was venting to a friend at work and expressed "I just don't feel any joy in my life." She responded that she felt the same way, after her hysterectomy.

Now picture me with a great big giant hand slapping me in the forehead. With the other symptoms telling me that the old hormone replacement therapy wasn't quite working like it used to, it's a good possibility that my lack of joy and emotional spillage stems from homonal issues.

Yada yada yada, on Thursday I met with the OBGYN, and Friday morning I picked up the bioidentical hormone replacement cream from the compounding pharmacist. The doctor said to wait until after the weekend, when I felt more symptoms, so I can feel the difference. I've got the hot flashes at work now, but I'm not sure it's strong enough. Either way, I'll start the cream on Monday and hope for the best.

I met with the doctor on Thursday

Moving Foward

2008-06-03T17:57:00.002-04:00

So I acknowledge that I've been in a funk. What kind of funk, you ask? The kind where everything sucks. You hate everybody you talk to ("except you, of course" must always be included in your conversation if you ever convey this out loud to someone) and you hate everything you have to do in your life. You hate when something doesn't go your way, and you hate when something good happens to someone bad.

Not you...I. I hate all that. Well, I have been hating all that.

Now, I'm trying to move forward; trying to push myself to be more positive. Well, not "more" positive. Just positive.

I'm not uber-trying or playing "The Secret" in my life. I just have been giving myself little reminders to "take it back" when I have a negative thought. So maybe not so much trying to be positive as I'm trying not to be so negative.

Deep thoughts, eh?

More to come...

Back to life

2008-06-01T09:29:00.004-04:00

Forgive me father, it's been almost one year since my last blog post.

My mind constantly spins with random racing thoughts of where I am and where I should be; what I'm doing and what I could be doing; and how do I get where I should be to be doing what I could be doing?

Doesn't this kind of remind you of that speech from "Say Anything," when Diane's father asks John Cusack's character, Lloyd Dobbler, what he wants to do after school. Lloyd tells him "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

I feel the same way.

But seriously, folks...when you're not happy with what you do everyday, yet not quite sure what would make you happy outside of winning the lottery, what's the best plan of action to take? Blogging, of course!

So here I am, bringing this blog back to life. Yeah, there's some older stuff that is irrelevant to where I'm going now, but I didn't feel like starting a whole new blog. Dearest reader, don't bother moving backwards...it's boring and counteractive to my point. Moving forward, that's the point.

Day 4 Chocolate-Free, Day 2 Secret Society

2007-06-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

Today is my fourth day that I am not eating chocolate...not that there's anything wrong with it. But, I'm free and don't need to be eating chocolate to make it through the day. Notice how I snuck a bit of The Secret in there.

After bashing the CDs, I'm doing it. I'm reprogramming my subconscious to follow along with my conscious decision to affirm that I'm a smart, beautiful, talented, rich woman with great entrepreneurial spirit, amassing my fortunes while the pounds melt away, since I have such a strong metabolism and am a dedicated health-conscious gymrat who loves drinking lots of water and eating high fiber, low fat, sugar free nutrious meals.

Holy Cannoli - My Early Review of The Secret

2007-06-19T09:42:00.000-04:00

I'm on the second CD of the 4-CD set of The Secret on Audio. I have no idea how this can last for four whole CDs, when they're just saying the same thing over and over. This woman has proved her theory, though. She convinced herself she could make millions and generate a worldwide following with this "secret" of using the laws of attraction to get what she wanted...and she did. Listen, watch, read...and pay attention. All she does is repeat the same idea over and over; and isn't even creative about the way she phrases herself.

Here's the big secret folks...you think about it, believe it is right now (not that it will be later, but it is today) and it comes true. Want to be rich, tell yourself you're rich. Want to have a perfect body? Picture you in a perfect body, tell yourself you have a perfect body and you will attract a perfect body. Want to meet your mate? Believe the right mate is out there and he is on his way to you, and he'll appear.

I won't go on, I'll keep listening...I believe this works. I am brilliant, rich, gorgeous, satisfied, in love, happy, thin and having a great time.

And that's the way we became the Brady Bunch (-3 boys and 1 girl)

2007-02-15T06:40:00.000-05:00

I don't have much time, but I've got to get it down. I'm marrying the most romantic man on this planet!

First he surprises me at work to take me to lunch - too bad I was already hanging out at the mall since my car was being serviced. He caught up with me though, and we had a lovely food courtship. Back at the office, I saw the roses and balloon he brought me with the gift bag that included a few chocolates and an adorable special edition Grease CD with a cute leather jacket around it.

I have to tell you that all day long I hoped and prayed that I would get the ring but was pretty much convinced it wasn't happening. I even talked about it with my boss's secretary that I would be completely surprised if it did happen.

So I kept trying to guess where we were going for dinner, but I would never have guessed Cafe Bella Sera, since I'd never heard of it. But it was romantic, the food was delicious and we owe tremendous thanks to Pete and his staff for pulling this off without a hitch.

He had a big bag this time, when met at his house, but I wasn't allowed to look in it until after dinner. Finally, I read the beautiful 2nd card of the day that talked about how we were "meant to be." It was a heavy bag, so I knew it wasn't the ring. Inside was a digital photo frame...funny part is I'd been shopping online to get him one for about a week before I gave up and went with a traditional engraved photo album. So this photo frame he gave me is awesome, but my heart sank a little.

We waited what seemed like forever for the waiter to bring the dessert tray before he gave up on holding it in and told me if the waiter shows up while he's in the restroom, just to order the tiramisu.

I should mention that he had said "no phones tonight" earlier. Well he heads to the bathroom and I start to text my cousins with "digital photo frame...no jewels" and before I could hit send, he's running back to me yelling "I said no phones." I quickly shut the phone as the waiter is behind him with dessert.

The waiter places the dessert on the table and I was so excited to see it and exclaimed "you pre-ordered dessert?!" It took me about 20 seconds before I saw the most incredibly perfect engagement ring sitting around a cinnamon stick on the top of the cake. OH MY G-D!!!! I screamed it over and over as the other patrons stared.

He took out a poem he'd written, then got down on one knee to read it, about how he'd known from the start, how in love he is with me, how he wants to make a family with he and I, the girls and even Scrappy Doo! It ended with "will you marry me?" and I screamed yes and the room applauded, and the waiters were taking photos with his camera (that he'd left earlier with the ring). Then the hostess had to remind him to put the ring on my finger.

My cheeks were hurting by the time we came home, but there was more. While I text messaged away downstairs, he'd prepared the bedroom with rose petals on the bed, candlelight, more flowers, a big gigantic balloon, and set up my digital photo frame that was stocked with my and his pictures from the past year, and it played songs - Crazy for you (which I sang on his karaoke at home), Open Arms, Danny's Song (which I'd sang at Crabby's for him) and Regina Spektor's Fidelity which I haven't been able to stop singing lately.

I'm soooooooo happy, and can't wait to show the world and can't wait to start our life together. Sigh, I'm such a girl.

They're here, they're here!!!

2007-02-09T06:16:00.000-05:00

The woman on the phone told me that my books would be released March 1 and I should receive them within a week from there. Well, they showed up yesterday, just a few days after I placed the order!

I got one free Chicken Soup for writing it (with lovely stick-on label of autographs for the main contributers - Jack Canfield and the gang). Then, with my discount, I ordered 10 more to give out. Yep, pretty much just spent what I earned for my story in there. With my discount, and after shipping, basically I pay the same thing you would on Amazon. I think I saved a dollar.

And like the superstar I think I am, I autographed the copy I gave my daughter. She told me she was choked up when she read the inscription - later I learned she wasn't able to read my handwriting for all the words. Pretty funny.

Scroll down to the post below this to see my little ad for Chicken Soup for the Soul - Celebrating Mothers and Daughters (and to click through straight to the page on Amazon that sells the book).

For Rachel,

My greatest inspiration, my love and my life.

All my love,
Mommy

Reminder...Chicken Soup

2007-01-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

You can now pre-order the Chicken Soup for the Soul Celebrating Mothers & Daughters that my story is in. Or shop for anything else while you're there...if you spend $25, there are no shipping fees.

Free Food Tastes Better

2007-01-31T21:10:00.000-05:00

I really meant to eat the food I had brought with me to work today, but when I got an invite from a vendor to kill some time before our meeting, I jumped. I really like Johnny Carino's honey pecan salmon salad and I just don't let myself go for the good stuff when I do go out to lunch. But I figured he's paying, it's an expense he can bill the company, and I haven't had much interaction with web folk lately. It was fun - good work conversation, good food, good change of pace.

A+

Where did my real daughter go?

2007-01-28T19:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know what happened but all of a sudden, she loves him. She can't wait to move in with him and can't wait for me to get engaged, and actually said she missed him and wanted to see him after he was gone for work for 5 days.

He and I are in shock, but we're riding this wave and making plans. Buying a house won't fly...just as we were reconsidering after backing out (damn budgets will screw you every time), he gets hit with "my friends have lawyers that say you should be paying me twice the child support that you do." Not a good time to shop. Not that she's even the slightest bit realistic, but there's either going to be an increase in child support or legal fees...either way, there's no house for us. Pisses me off.

Will they ever invent the "me" cereal?

2007-01-26T18:48:00.000-05:00

I seem to be incapable of eating cereal as it was created. I want no sugar so I go to the shredded wheat. But then it tastes boring so I have to add Splenda. And even then, it gets soggy before I can finish and I miss my crunch. Add in the crunchy psuedo-healthy cereal (Special-K, Raisin Bran Crunch, anything granola-y). Hmm, needs raisins or bananas thrown in - for the record, those are the only fruits I can bear in cereal...get your fake dried out astronaut strawberries out of my bowl. So now that I'm mixing in the sweetness, I no longer need my Splenda. And there you have it..."me" blend cereal.

Can I patent "create your own cereal" bins at the supermarket? Hey, I think I'm on to something.

I call dibs on the lawn penguins, too! [for the record, Googled it...taken, damnit!)

I'm so gay

2007-01-15T08:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, not the homosexual kind of gay, but the gay we used to call kids at school who were really nerdy and tacky. Is that bad or offensive to the real gay community. Uh oh, I don't do contraversy well. We'll find out if anyone actually reads my blog after this one. I ain't skeered! I'm even going to let people post comments. Eh, I can see the cobwebs and hear crickets from the cyber-ghost town now.

Back to me, here's why I'm gay. Because I love my boyfriend! I do, I do! I tell him how much I miss him and how I want to spoon with him and put my head in his chest and hold hands; and I'm happy just to be with him - even when we're not having sex! Can you believe it? Me!

Not that anyone but he and our kids see it. Sure, the friends and family get a sneak peak of the "baby, I love you" talk, but they'll have to be hiding behind the corners or travel through the vortex into my brain to get the girly-giggly "he's so cute and I dream of wearing his pin" stuff. And it'll be a cold day in hell before anyone sees me scribbling Mrs. Helene on my notebook.

Here's what makes me REALLY gay about it, though. I like to cybershop for engagement rings, wedding dresses, reception halls and houses. Even better, I'm studying on a non-profit website about how to make a healthy step-family. But don't tell anyone. I'm not ready to come out of the closet.

My pithy quote on making generalizations

2007-01-10T20:16:00.000-05:00

Just because I can't walk in heels, doesn't mean I'm not meant to wear shoes.

What I did on my winter vacation, by me

2007-01-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

I spent Christmas week in Manhattan with my daughter, my ex-sister-in-law and my nephew. I definitely spent too much money, tried to see too many sights, and decided my child is too dang demanding.

First off, I'd like to make a stand. It was cold. It was warm for this time of year, you say? Guess what. 50 degrees is still cold when you come from Florida and hate when it goes below 70. Yes, I know, it's warm for NY. However, I stood in the longest line known to mankind just so I could get a 25% discount on an off-Broadway show that turned out to be just a little too mature for my 11 year old.

I did get front row tickets, though. It was nice to have the stage there to protect my legs from getting too far in front of me. Cute show. Now, what do people normally do with their jackets while they're watching a play? Mine was in my way. Good thing people don't throw greasy popcorn on the floor of the theater at plays - that's where my jacket went. It helped keep my feet from having to touch the floor while the stage kept my knees from having too much space. I was impressed with how well groomed the actors nostrils are, too...that was my angle. And by the way, the lady sings out of her mouth sideways.

It's official!

2006-12-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

I'm published!

OK, don't get too excited, it's just one short article in a Chicken Soup for the Soul book...but it's official, and I get paid for it. And even better than that, my love for my daughter will be immortalized in print.

Coming in March...

Love - my baby and my honey

2006-12-28T09:46:00.000-05:00

On the day to day with my honey - it's still a lot of fawning, but he really has gotten better with adding the more adult physical stuff (e.g., when he is hugging me, he'll throw in a grope). We spend a lot of time in fantasy world talking about what kind of house we want, what we'll do when we're alone, or when the kids are grown and out of our way, etc. I'm able to talk about my issues, but I'm very matter of fact about them, rather than emotionally spilling out...however, from time to time, I have cried to him - over my weight or frustrations with my daughter, anxieties over every doctor's visit. And he has gotten a million times better at listening and reassuring rather than trying to fix things or trying to pretend like problems don't exist, i.e. my health. He also pushed the ex for us to get alone time, and I think that made the world of difference...when we actually at least a night for 2-3 weeks in a row, that's when I really fell in love. No days/nights free from kids means no intimacy - physical or emotional.

I remember being with him while he was on the phone with the ex and she was frantic about something - and apparently his daughter must've bugged her at that same moment, so the ex yelled at her. He hung up and was very upset that she had yelled at his daughter, that he hates when she yells at her. I'm thinking "Hello, I yell at my daughter several times a day...better not tell him I kicked that hole in the wall while screaming at her."
ome, and it's enough for me.

Update from NY

2006-12-28T07:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I made the mistake of believing 15-20 blocks didn't require a cab, after standing in the TKTS line for an hour plus....and then last night my daughter wanted to walk back from the show, so here we go again. I survived but right now there's something going on in the joint that connects my right leg to my pelvis. And my back needs a chinese woman to walk across it. Today we're going to Chelsea Piers with my ex-sister in law and my nephew. The gals will ice skate while I try to entertain my nephew...was just looking up the Rock n Roll class where they drop in for gymnastics and rock climbing but it's $27...they did it the other day with my cousin, but she works there so it was only half price, didn't know her discount was that large until I just saw the real price.

OK, she's flipping from my nails clicking on the keyboard...time to make the donuts!

A big long one

2006-12-26T09:21:00.000-05:00

This is the first time I've finally gotten to sit down and write a big long one...without being distracted by my anxieties, paranoia and planning compulsion. I'm in NY at my brother's place. We got in last night and just came straight here, ordered chinese and passed out. I should've just taken an earlier flight so we would've had the day - but it was Christmas so not sure what we would've done anyway. My honey's daughter and her mom were on the same plane, they're the ones that convinced me to come and to go on the same flight - in the end they showed up as we were boarding so only got a quick hello, visit from his daughter to offer mine a caramel apple in exchange for her video game, and then waited for luggage. They didn't want an earlier flight b/c they actually celebrate Christmas.

Back to me. Not sure where I left off on my updates. I cried the other day over my weight...it's been awhile for that. I'm just so disappointed in myself and feel so out of control. And my guy did try to make me feel better...he thinks he's fat too, so he was encouraging me to look forward to the new year and we'll do it together. But having to lose 10-15 lbs is not the same as 55 lbs. Yep, that's how much weight I've gained back in 6 years. Well I lost 20 during chemo, but that's back with another 10 to boot. I'm so sick of me and what I do to myself. This all really got bad after sorting through every picture I own and seeing how disgusting I was and then how thin I was. And here I am climbing my way back up...there's no more quick fixes other than a lobotomy.

Work is going well...they finally moved my eCommerce responsibilities off of me about a week ago (minus two outstanding projects I need to see through to the end and answering any questions no one else can). Now I'm focusing my efforts on building a new business from scratch. I wrote the basic business plan and my boss said it was awesome and presented it to corporate. It was really exciting just to have her like my business idea...but absolutely incredible that corporate liked it and that she wasn't just blowing sunshine up my ass and I get to make it a reality! I'm doing a lot of research now and laying the foundation for the business. Enough work, I'm on vacation.

Sadly, my sweetie didn't have enough time at his job to take vacation with us...I really will miss him. Things took a complete turnaround and it looks like I've found my keeper. I just am having a hard time with my daughter buying into it. She likes him and his daughter, but is adamant against moving in with him. She's grown used to it being just the two of us, so I understand. He doesn't understand and feels bad that she doesn't like him (not the case) - he wants everyone to be excited if we move in together. There's a whole comfort zone and privacy that's completely different from not liking someone. And I'm sure she can't even explain why she feels like this...just that she's not comfortable living with him. She gave me an example of "what if you're not home and I want to take a shower"? I told her I was pretty sure he's not a perv...but the fact is that she showers in my room now, and has breakfast in my bed, and doesn't have to knock to come in (she said that one). It will be a total adjustment, but I have to start breaking her of these habits now if we want to do this next summer. We just had our first real sleepover with all of us, and I think we need more of these for her to get used to having him around.

So if I missed a part in the middle, we are talking futures - I told him I won't move in without a ring, and won't set a date without living together first. And as scary as it is, we're going to have to buy a new place. We can't practice in his place b/c my child will resent his lack of room for her stuff, and I'll resent that it's HIS place and decorated in Pittsburgh Steelers colors and fan crap. There's a lot of risk involved and that's very scary for a gal like me, being so independent. But I'm listening to 7 habits of highly effective people on CD and it says being interdependent is more mature than independent...and it doesn't make me dependent or co dependent. The we instead of the me. :-)

OK, my child is out of bed and getting ready so I think I need to be doing the same. Hope you made it through in one sitting b/c it means you had a few minutes of quiet to yourself.

Big mean bully

2006-12-17T20:57:00.000-05:00

Nothing very much to say but if my ex planted a damn smile on his face I wouldn't recognize him. How nice to honor me with his presence at our daughter's figure skating party for her friends, but when I sent a text looking for him at the rink, he actually yelled at me. Apparently, he's not a big fan of the text message. "Stop with the texts! Stop! Just stop!" I was just offering you pizza, ya big dumb fuck.

On a positive note, he got saddled with 10 tweens with many issues and dramas that kept everyone up all night long. Ain't karma a bitch?

F-A-T

2006-12-11T21:02:00.000-05:00

I came across this blog at f-a-t.blogspot.com and I think they're very on to something. Like I posted as a comment on the blog over there, I'm convinced that OCD meds would make a significant impact for people who have serious eating problems. Seriously, it's COMPULSIVE eating...you really don't need to delve into whether my mother hugged me enough and come to some closure with a traumatic event to solve my problem. There's just no answer to how this happened that will make it stop...unless it's a physical issue that can be handled with drugs. Eh, not in the mood to ramble or explain myself.

That's all.

Accommodating is not Compromising

2006-12-10T19:42:00.000-05:00

You know, I've come to accept that everybody's got something. As the saying goes, nobody's perfect. I'll even admit, that I've got my quirks, as well. But when and how often do I have to give up what I want or need because someone else has "issues"?

Let's return to "compromise" as a way to handle things. To review, what is a compromise? Well, some could see it as I win a little - you win a little. But I choose to face the reality - we both lose, neither one of us gets exactly what we want. I can live with a compromise a good deal of the time, but not all the time. Because it means I never get what I want.

In many cases, this "compromise" is actually a misnomer. Someone believes they're asking me to compromise with them when, in fact, they're really asking me to just accommodate them. I'm really somewhat easy going most of the time...eh, whatever. But make my life difficult or put me in a bad situation because of your issue, and I'm done. Not only am I done accommodating, I'm done compromising.

I've recently found that although people believe they're accommodating me by going along with the activity I chose or including other people they wouldn't prefer, they're actually punishing me for doing so - torturing me with comments about what's wrong with what we're doing or how they hate the other person or the big "Whatever" (translation: fuck you) attitude. It's a passive-aggressive way to fight the win. If I'm going to lose, I'm sure as hell not going to let you enjoy your win.

I'm really headed to a breaking point where there is no more accommodating irrational issues (what issues ARE rational, really?)...no more worrying about someone getting pissed because I've included my boyfriend in plans. I do not OWE anyone but my child one-on-one time - reality is that if they were also involved with someone, they'd never even ask me for that time. If you're thinking that's not true, it means you're not in a relationship right now...ask yourself again when you're in a relationship.

After that, I'm going to give up trying to hang out with more than one friend at a time. Apparently, I attract friends that don't seem to attract each other. If they can't respect me enough to keep their comments to themselves, I can't respect them enough to listen. Know that when you insult my friend or family, you insult me.

I'm going to stop my rant now...as of today, despite my earlier post that made it like I always have to get my own way, I'm still open to compromise and even accommodation. Just not always - don't take it for granted and don't take advantage. Show me respect, chill out with the issues, accommodate me every now and then without torturing me about it, and then everything else will fall into place. Hey, learn a lesson from the last post...we might eventually find our synergy and then, we both win.

It fits, it fits!

2006-12-09T08:17:00.000-05:00

Nope, not a post about losing weight and my old clothes fitting again...someday we'll see that post. This one's about that square peg. Sometime between then and now, those sharp edges smoothed out and the round hole embraced the peg and locked it into place.

I'm sure you've heard that compromise is the key to any relationship. That's bullshit. Sure, you'll compromise from time to time when you can't get your way, but not EVERY TIME. That's a lose-lose situation. Nobody gets what they want. Ideally, there's a synergy where you both want exactly the same things, and then it's win-win...everybody gets what they want. But there will be times where you will allow the other person to win. Just remember that each person needs a turn at winning.

Does this necessarily mean someone loses if the other person wins when you don't want the same things? In my case, it didn't. His letting me win was the catalyst for his turn to win and in turn a catalyst for my win again and it became a wonderful cycle.

In one or two areas, we definitely did not see eye to eye. He told me that I needed to compromise. I told him that when we're sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sometimes we meet in the middle, but other times I come over to his side of the couch...every now and then, he needs to come over to my side of the couch, too.

And that's what made all the difference. When he pushed himself to visit me on my side of the couch, I was so happy to see him there that I followed him back to his side. And his seeing me on his side made him so happy that he hopped back over to mine some more...before we knew it, we no longer had to visit each other on opposite sides. We found our synergy.

So here we are today, happier than ever and planning to stay that way for a long, long time to come. The moral of the story......we'll all get along much better if I just get my way.

The relationship update

2006-12-05T11:55:00.000-05:00

We met on Jdate back in March and have been together since. He's very sweet, the most romantic man I've ever met, a talented piano/keyboard musician, has a daughter that's a month older than mine, has never been married. He's Israeli but was raised down here from 5 years old. He's got hair issues...he's a band guy that cut his long hair off about 2 years ago and hates it, so is trying to grow it back and it's a major to-do every morning. I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he's recently joined a new band and makes his debut next week, I'm very excited.

We've had a very rocky road trying to make this work with some obstacles. But seemingly overnight, we seemed to have work out the biggest issues and learned that it's not always about compromise, but about doing what the other person wants or likes from time to time. And we've finally found a cycle that continues to work magic. Sex was a big issue for us - he felt like I demanded it constantly, but just couldn't turn it on and off...if he doesn't feel my love for him, he doesn't want it. And, I couldn't feel the romance if I didn't feel wanted. I asked him to try to be a little dirty from time to time...and to make time for us to be alone (had his daughter EVERY weekend). He took steps to meet my needs and in turn I felt more romantic...and that made him very horny...and that made me more in love. It was a continuous chain reaction/cycle that led us to our happy place. I love him. :-)

Here's where I am

2006-11-28T22:05:00.000-05:00

I got a promotion back in early September, that was supposed to kick in October 1. But since they were never able to find my replacement, I didn't get to move into that role. I got fidgety enough that I called a meeting with the President to see how I could use some down time to get started for her. She gave me a template for creating a business plan and, following the outline, came up with the basics for her to review before I went too far into it. She loved it! I've been working with her to complete it while they come up with a contingency plan since they couldn't replace me. I officially start on December 1st, and my new boss (the Pres) is up in Minnesota today presenting my business plan to our parent company.

Things had taken a turn for the worse with my sweetie until he discovered that I'd removed all traces of him from my MySpace page and wanted to know if we'd broken up. We had a really serious talk where I had my "out" right in front of my face - but I just didn't want it. And he finally was face to face with how unhappy I truly had been. It's like he'd stuck his head in the sand to it. I needed him to push to get some time for us to be alone, and I also needed him to face the hard stuff...whenever I talked about my health issues, it was as if he didn't hear. I let him know that although I'm strong, I need to know that I don't have to be, that I need his encouragement when I have doctor's appointments - I may seem matter of fact, but I have panic attacks every visit, test and phone call.

And...he needed to be a little dirty. He really has been trying and the funniest freaking story ever is that he sent me a text message a few days after that conversation that said "I want to lick your clit." Of course, I laugh at this since it's out of character. So I go to show a friend at dinner (with the kids) and then the phone rings - it's the ex calling to talk to my daughter. I give her the phone and when she ends the call, she sees the dirty message! Here I go trying to explain what a clit is and why he'd want to lick it and how it's all just a funny joke b/c I like to tease him what a goody goody he is. Ugh! I had to make her swear on my life not to tell anyone.

Anyway, we went on a Royal Caribbean cruise for the weekend and got back yesterday. We had such a great time - AND great sex. :-) He's definitely getting dirtier and in return I'm getting more romantic, so we're finally in sync with each other's needs. He may be a geek for it, but I'm so glad to have found someone that appreciates the dorky activities like sing-alongs, trivia contests, tacky revue shows, etc. The only thing down side was that I like to gamble and he doesn't so I was pretty self conscious about enjoying it when we did go to the casino for about an hour. Also, he likes to sleep in so I'd just disappear with a book in the mornings until I could convince him to wake up before the breakfast buffet closed. In hindsight, I should've gone to the pool, knowing now that he wouldn't want to go at all.

So before I've gone on longer than you can read in a lifetime, we are finally talking more seriously about what comes next. We're thinking about moving in together after the school year is out, but he knows that I won't do it without a ring and he's happy about that - he actually wants to get engaged. Now, that's okay...but I won't set a date until we've lived together long enough that I'm confident it works. And I don't want to keep talking about it with him, because then it won't be a surprise. I'm a hopeless romantic dork no matter what he believes.

Don't want to come home!

2006-11-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

We went on a Royal Caribbean 3 night cruise to the Bahamas that left on Friday. We had an amazing time and hated having to come home. I'm really happy to say that things are better than ever - it took my almost breaking up with him to bring us both to a better place.

That's what I want

2006-11-25T15:41:00.000-05:00

OK, cool new thing I just discovered called Pay Per Post. Now I can whore my writing skills out to the highest bidder and make money by blogging. Looks like easy money since I spend half my life on the internet anyway...and a good deal of the time I'm telling people what they should be doing with their lives, so why not put all that stuff right here.

First rule of the game is I can't go 30 days without a post and I have to have 20 posts in the last 90 days. Time to fill in the gaps. Stay tuned, folks.

The Square Peg & The Round Hole

2006-10-17T21:49:00.000-04:00

Tonight I hurt my love. I quietly questioned our relationship, when I should've been screaming. He wasn't listening because he didn't want to hear. And I moved on without saying it because I couldn't tell him. Yet, I continued to go through the motions of everything's okay...because I just couldn't let go.

I've gone back and forth in my brain so many times, trying so hard to figure out how to make this relationship work. We've had issue after issue over the past seven months, but the love was there so we kept trying to talk about problems and address them. However, I just kept feeling as though all we're doing is adjusting me to his needs to keep this afloat. And at some point, my needs were identified as my selfishness.

He has been trying to work out giving me one-on-one time, when it's available - a huge problem for me in the relationship - one I did finally scream about until he finally heard the severity of it. But it's been very difficult to find the time to actually nurture and grow this relationship.

And there's just so much of me I was forced to squelch and change at the beginning of the relationship, that I'm not happy about. He's opening more now to allowing those traits back in...but that's just the point. I actually have to wait for him to allow me to be myself? There's something wrong with that. I've worked so hard at tap dancing around his needs and his issues, that I've allowed this to be our priority.

Yet, whenever I try to imagine letting go, moving on, saying goodbye...I just can't. I want to be with him, I want this to work, I want to be with someone that loves me like he does. And I want him to let me love him the way that I feel it...unreserved, unabashed, unadulterated.

Fast forward to where I am today...I am shoving Mr. Square Peg into the round hole of who I am, with every ounce of determination in me. Is this wrong? If we want something bad enough is it so bad to work extra hard to find a way to make it happen? Does it make me stubborn or persistent?

Remember your high school yearbook, you were able to add a quote under your picture? My quote read "there is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen." Guess what time it is.

I love this man, he is a kind, intelligent, gentle, loving and romantic soul. And I want to be with him...I just need to make sure he wants into that round hole as badly as I want the square peg to be there. And I need to know that he can be happy with an imperfect fit, rather than focus on sawing and sanding and carving that round hole down to a square, just so it fits him perfectly.

HeartWords Daily Digest

2006-08-28T06:25:00.000-04:00

I stare at the screen knowing I need to write, but the words just don't come. I listen to friends talk and express emotion and can't put my own into words. It's a lonely thought believing that no one could possibly get you, but how could they when you can't convey what's going on inside your brain?

You may read this and think this is about pain. Sometimes, it is. And other times it's annoyance or frustration or anger or insolence. There's more - it's not just what hurts, but what feels good, too. Like the bursting blast of energy I get when something exciting has happened. I can't even speak as fast as the thoughts fly through my head. Or when I'm feeling that awe-filled sense of where I am - seeing another day, being mommy, enjoying a girls night out - when you can step away from the moment to appreciate the true value.

That's what's so great about writing. It's as simple as putting those thoughts down as they come. You can skip a sentence or two and come back or just keep typing those ramblings without censorship and go back later to edit and re-edit. The paper or laptop won't look at you with stares of confusion or start asking questions or giving advice or opinions when you really just need to express yourself. And you can review your writing and realize what you've left out instead of having to go over and over again when your audience doesn't know what the heck you're talking about because somehow in your exciting rant, sentences have failed to leave your brain through your mouth.

I may just be confusing you now, but it's good to feel my fingers moving over the keyboard, trying to catch up to the racing thoughts. It's funny that the blank screen so quickly fills when one thought leads to the next. And just think, this all started because I got my HeartWords daily digest reminding me that I need to participate.

When An Attention Whore Needs Privacy

2006-07-23T19:10:00.000-04:00

You know when you really need to write? You've got all this stuff in your head and feel like you've got get it out. And over the past year or two, you've lost the ability to actually write with a pen and paper and the only place that makes sense is to blog it. However, you're very aware that there are real people out there who read your blog.

If you're an attention whore like me, you really don't give a shit about the strangers or online buddies who only know your alter-cyber-ego. It's the friends or family members or boyfriends that you shared your blog address with when you had a moment of weakness and pride. So Gayle, I love you, but step away from the computer.

There's just too much to go over and I think I've learned that I can't stop writing, but I can stop writing here...at least about the stuff that's been keeping me from writing, period.

I Wanna Know What Love Is...

2006-05-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

In high school, I imagined losing my virginity with the Foreignor song playing in the background, while the man I was with made soft sweet love to me and whispered in my ear "I love you" and held me close.

Mix a big dumb third-string football player with a naive college freshman and it's a far cry from the fantasy I'd held just a few weeks earlier when I left for school.

Eventually, I met my soon-to-be ex-husband and it was a bit better than my first time had been. Some moments were more romantic than others, and there were one or two of those that even brought me to tears. But I never had that "Foreignor/soft sweet making love" experience with him or anyone else since our divorce five years ago...until last night.

He and I were definitely not having a great night - I'm not sure if he realized it or not, but I fought back tears most of the evening. He was too self-conscious to let me know he wasn't feeling well, so I took it personally when he wouldn't taste my cooking, and even more personally when he'd rebuffed my advances.

Everyone has their baggage and their hot buttons. Mine is being rejected by the man I'm with...my ex-husband had rejected my sexual advances over and over, during the course of our 11 years together. The men I've gotten close to, since my divorce, have all had extremely large sexual appetites - probably why I favored them. So even now, I'm still very sensitive to that kind of rejection, as I discovered last night.

A couple of hours of my quietly suffering emotionally and his quietly panicking at my distance, I finally opened up and let him in. He tried to explain why he'd rejected me, but I interrupted to let him know that it wasn't necessary - this was my insecurity. He volunteered his own worries and insecurities and we tried to assuage each other's fears by sharing our feelings. He promised to always taste my cooking; and I promised that I'd never leave him for a pretty boy.

And then he made love to me. He held me close, whispered "I love you" and I returned the sentiment. "I love you so much," he said, barely audible. I thought back to that dream, that wish of how it would be my first time. "I have waited for you for so long," I told him. I heard Foreignor playing that song in my mind, as they'd played it in my fantasies so many years ago. It wasn't quite the "first time," but it was truly my first time and it was so much better than I'd ever imagined.

List of Issues

2006-04-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

Any slightest hint of femininity in a man convinces me that people will think he's gay and I'm stupid for making the same mistake twice.
I go into panic disorder if my schedule is off...I know it takes X amount of minutes to get ready and if I haven't started at X+2, then I'm panicking. Heaven help me if it's someone else's fault we're running late and I have no control to put us back on schedule.
Clutter - can't stand clutter and collections that run out of control without orderly display or storage. (You'd understand this one if you ever saw the house I grew up in.)
I'll never take a shower with a man because gravity only makes my stomach and boobs ten times worse...not to mention the light in the bathroom.
Although I seem very direct and honest, I'm more likely to say nothing and be frustrated silently than risk a confrontation with someone.
No matter how much I hate being overweight and how much I swear I'll follow the plan, some days it's a compulsion I can't control.
I'm actually incredibly embarrassed by my health history. I hate being the poster child for Cancer Survivor because I don't feel like I did anything to make that happen. I'm not proud of it, I feel horribly guilty that I survived while so many others did not.
I have these "timeline" rules for my life. I'd decided that I needed to meet my husband by 20, so I could be engaged by 22 and married by 24, and have my first child at 26. When I knew it wouldn't last, I couldn't get divorced until I'd been married one year for each $10K spent on my wedding. Then I knew I couldn't have a relationship until at least a year after the divorce and I'd have to date someone at least two years before getting married again. And now that I'm falling for someone, I figure I couldn't possibly be "in love" since it's only been a month and I haven't quite calculated the appropriate period of time where it's real and not just novelty or excitement or concept or want.

Dear Michelle

2006-03-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

There are days I really need you on my time zone because I want to talk about something that I just can't talk to anyone else about but of course this only happens at 8 a.m. and I wouldn't dream of waking your household. And then I move on to the office or whatever, trying to wait it out, but my attention deficit kicks in and I don't remember that I wanted to talk to you until bedtime when I'm about to pass out from exhaustion.

Every 6 months, I go through my scanning and sonograms and poking and prodding, over about 4 - 5 different appointments. Today was the last of the tests before the appointment next week for my exam where my gynecological oncologist lets me know the results of all the tests. During the sonogram, they take so many pictures and keep moving around and typing and backing up and doing over or so it seems to me...so I was a little panicked, this morning. They totally should've done the test, then had me stay and talk to the doctor, letting him read the results right away. But no, I had to leave there imaging that all that typing was scary stuff and I was calling to tell you that I was terrified. I hate these fucking tests and I'm happily healthy until the moment I need to have a sonogram and then I'm dying again. Nice, positive attitude, eh? Of course there's the Everyday Normal Helene who thinks "this is really a pain in the ass, I need to get back to work, why are they wasting my time, there's nothing there." And then there's Panic Disorder Helene who's imagining her funeral and how sad my baby will be after I'm gone and will Jorge let my parents see Rachel often enough or will he give them a hard time and start fights and and and....

you get the picture.

Anyway, thanks for being there to let me vent and I know you're reading this and are at the other end of my spillage.

Where the Hell is My Happy Place?

2006-03-05T19:48:00.000-05:00

This is the point of the weekend that we no longer appreciate it being the weekend at all. The Sunday Night Blues have begun and there's no pretending that work isn't just around the corner. My eyes are drooping from the exhaustion that comes with the "I don't want Saturday night to end" dance. The problem with going to sleep is that we're one step closer to Monday morning. And Monday morning means work, and that's not where my happy place is.

I searched high and low all weekend for my happy place. Friday night I was suffering from "I hate my job" syndrome, and truly believing that misery loves company, I invited my friend over so we could be cry to each other...and then eat. A nice little visit to the diner and we were much happier. Saturday morning I tried yoga for the first time, and I really had a momentary spiritual awakening where happy thoughts flowed through my mind, almost bringing me to tears. Later that afternoon, I treated myself to a facial that was a little bit of Heaven while my zits were being popped. The topper was shaking up the dating strategy by going out with a man 6 years younger, with no kids, and then taking him home for my own pleasure.

As lovely as that sounds, this is the point where the downward spiral begins. I remembered why I don't do first date sex, have one night stands, don't date younger men, and don't stay awake past 10 pm most nights. The Sunday Night Blues has enveloped me and tomorrow I move from Happy Place to Fake Happy Face. Flashbacks of a strange naked man in my bed not living up to my hopes and premonitions of debates with my boss and another senior manager will replace the sheep that I should be counting as I hit the sack.

So much for positive thoughts and my happy place. But this is my own fault, I'm letting it happen. I need to take a stand and say no to these thoughts and not let them in. And in that process, I will learn to appreciate Sunday nights and Monday mornings and deal with the fact that I'm fighting myself and could possibly have split-personality disorder.

And with that, ladies and gentleman, good night.

Kelly LeBrock

2006-02-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here watching the finale of Celebrity Fit Club 3 and thinking I can do that. But it's apparent that it's just not that easy. Kelly LeBrock lost 31 pounds in 100 days. That's really not unrealistic. It's less than 2 pounds a week. So can I do it? Can I be Kelly LeBrock? Can I get my head in a place where I'm not the me I've been, but be the me I've always dreamt of becoming? Every path begins with a first step, so I've got to put the first foot forward and follow one after the other. She looks absolutely gorgeous. There's no reason I can't feel the same.

Early morning ramblings from NY

2006-01-15T05:32:00.000-05:00

It’s 5:32 am on Sunday morning. My brother works the overnight and didn’t want to wake us, so asked me to call when I was up so he could come home and go to sleep. When I called, it sounded like he was at a bar and having a grand old time – he’s not coming home just yet.

I wanted to run my online programs but, for some reason, the network I tapped into yesterday is not showing up. It came through when I walked away from the computer for a minute, so I’m not sure what the issue is.

The coffee’s ready, and I’ll be up now for awhile before Rachel wakes up. She’s turning but I know it’s too early to encourage her to actually open her eyes. And I can’t wait for the surprise. I want to have my camera ready for it. It snowed while we slept. There aren’t huge blankets, but with the view from my brother’s place of warehouse roofs and the park, it looks that way. At first, I hadn’t even noticed the snow on the balcony ledge then table and chairs.

The wind is howling, but Brad told me to expect that – it’s what happens when you’re on the 10th floor of the highest building in the area, facing a …what is it? a lake? ... in the middle of winter. Rachel asked me to make sure the sliding glass door was closed, thinking the opening was causing the noise. The door is closed and locked. And the heat is on high.

I’m nice and cozy for now, but I imagine that little world will come crumbling down as soon as we hit the street. We’re all headed to the city to visit my aunt and uncle for brunch. On the way, we’ll pick up Daniel, my nephew. Thinking about all this is worrying me – Brad needs to get a few hours sleep, especially since he had an abbreviated sleep yesterday, coming to get us from the airport and entertain. We’ll never get there on time if Brad can’t wake up. And I’m sure his ex will pick a fight if he’s late to pick up Daniel.

The wireless network seems to be back, but the connection to the internet is not quite there. Once it is, it’s back to auto-surfing for me. Nope, not so lucky today – got a false positive there for a moment. And on top of that, we’re out of Equal. This baby’s coming with me to the city – I have to find that hot spot.

Life Update Part I

2006-01-14T06:21:00.000-05:00

I’m writing this while sitting on the plane, headed up to New York. Unless the battery dies out, I can’t use the excuse that I didn’t have time to write a complete update on my life. I’ll take it a topic at a time covering the usual – diet/fitness, men, work, health and miscellaneous.

Diet/Fitness: I’ve been rock solid on working out, people would be amazed to see me as that gung ho weight training addict. I guess I’m just afraid if I stop or go off-track, it’ll be permanent. Going on this trip, I allowed myself one week to deviate from the plan. I’m doing the plan from BodyRx which I hear is just like Body for Life and there are four 6-week cycles. I’m in the middle of cycle two. The days I was available this week, I just did cardio, so I wouldn’t have an incomplete plan week. I’ll pick back up with the weight training when I get back, starting a new week.

Unfortunately, I still can’t get my act together on the food. I’d gained 5 lbs. over Christmas vacation, and this week started off well…but ended with a Cold Stone Creamery bang. Not sure how to get my head back where it needs to be.

Men: Well, I had 2 men being juggled as December began, with a clear front runner in my interest and interest in me – too bad they weren’t one and the same. Bachelor #1 turned into Christmas vacation boyfriend and then disappeared into thin air. Bachelor #2 I didn’t pay much attention to, but he hung in there – he even told me he’d worried that I might’ve met someone else since I didn’t get in touch with him. I set him straight that I won’t chase a man, and figured he’d given up since he hadn’t called me. Since Bachelor #1 disappeared, I’ve resumed with Bachelor #2 a little more regularly.

Problem - Bachelor #1 is the one I had the major attraction for, but wasn’t great relationship material. Bachelor #2 I don’t have much attraction for, but he is great relationship material. I’m hanging in there with him, hoping I’ll feel better about him after spending more time together. The parenting/work schedules don’t facilitate that much. Better slow, I suppose. Bachelor #2 already has faced my firing line when I confronted him on being bothered by his interrupting me – told me he’s glad I mentioned it and that it helps him to know. Bachelor #1 I got back in touch with because I needed his help for computer stuff (that’s what he does for a living), but I suppose there was some hidden agenda that I wanted to see what the heck happened to him – we talked computer geek stuff and then I asked him and he played like he didn’t know what I was referring to and hemmed and hawed about being really busy and having issues with his son. I just changed the subject. In the end it doesn’t matter – he’s obviously “just not that into” me.

And of course we can’t forget John. I haven’t seen him since just after the hurricane, so that’s about 2 months. We’ve started talking more frequently, because I got him into the auto-surfing/high risk web investments I’ve been doing. It’s friendly and business-ey mostly, but every now and then playful – if you catch my drift. We talk about getting together but this is another one where schedules don’t work well, and I’m not desperate. It’s nothing but booty, so I’m not thinking more of it.

Dangit, the seats in planes go back so far - with the guy in front of me, I can’t even open the laptop completely.

Work: Oh the drama. Things seem to be progressing, but I put my foot in my mouth by telling my boss my honest feelings about my raise. She thought I’d be really excited because she was so proud that they finally were able to raise me to what they determined my salary range to be, in their compensation study. However, I admitted that I’d actually felt slighted - the salary range is $X to $X+20,000. My new salary was $X-$80. She said “I can’t believe you’re complaining over $80. I told her it was principle…thanks to the market adjustment, I really didn’t get a merit raise at all despite my exceptional performance review. That raise would’ve happened anyway due to the market adjustment…she said that wasn’t the case b/c there were still people left that are under market – were too high a difference to get to market rate right now. I also said that if the value of my position is "this" - "that" and my pay was $80 below "this", then what does that say about my value to the company? Anyhow, it resulted in upsetting my boss…I wasn’t sure if it was frustration with me that she did so much and couldn’t please me or just feeling bad that I felt bad. I assured her over and over how grateful I am to her, for all that she’s done to help me get where I am today – not just money, but position and respectability and developing me.

Fast forward a few weeks later – this week there’s a minor restructuring in the company and they hand my boss, the VP, another department to run in addition to what she’s got. They determine she’s just got too much responsibility and she’s got to give a department up. Guess who? Right. She assured me that it had nothing to do with what happened with the salaries and she’ll always be there to bounce ideas off of, if I have questions.

So now, my new boss is the a new director that they hired about 3 months ago. There was a huge hubbub over her coming in because basically they left out any background information on her and just told us that she was a friend and former colleague of the President and Vice President that has been home for 5 years raising her kids – she’s my age, looks young and all we know is that she’s worked with them at a previous company. Interestingly enough, we were becoming friendly and even went to lunch last week…I told her a lot of stuff I might not have been so frank about had I known she was about to become my boss. She knew at the time. After my current boss told me the news and what it would mean, the new boss came to talk to me and address what she imagined my concerns to be - I'm going to skip the details on here for confidentiality purposes. Long story short, I told her “you tell what I need to learn and do to get to [the next level]and I’ll get there in 18 months," that I wouldn’t need two years. She smiled and said “I have no doubt.” Stay tuned!

Health: No complaints, no problems, great news.

Miscellaneous: I think you’ve read enough.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder - Part Deux

2005-12-27T05:53:00.000-05:00

He called, and that's like a hit of Xanax.

Told you he gets to sleep easy.

What I Did on My Christmas Break, by Helene

2005-12-27T05:46:00.000-05:00

I invited about 10 or so people and their kids to go Roller Skating yesterday, and unfortunately, last minute planning didn't work out.

I was getting back on skates for the first time in 4 years, since I had broken my ankle ice skating and was terrified of another rowdy little boy taking me out, again.

The 3 who said yes ended up cancelling, last minute, so it ended up just me and my girl. The place was empty - maybe 20 people, making it a perfect time to face my fear, gently. I wasn't a great skater to begin with, but I could at least stay alive and vertical.

My first treat was when my daughter confessed she was happy that no one else could make it, so we could bond. Then she did all in her power to try and trip me up - or in her mind, she just wanted to hold on to help me out, but that was even scarier.

My next treat was that I did, once again, stay alive and vertical. After the first hour, I was a natural. Well, if a natural flings it's arms out in all directions like a character actor trying to stay up after slipping on a banana peel, then that was me.

But we had fun, my girl and I. As a matter of fact, a lot of fun and I can't wait to go back and do it again!

And to those who couldn't make it...nanny nanny, poo poo.

Overanalyzation and Panic Disorder

2005-12-25T08:48:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot what it's like when you're dating and actually see the person more than once or twice. First we need to quantify and qualify what is a date. Does the 1-hour coffee meet and greet - to decide if there might be an attraction - count as a first date? Does a big get together count, if they show up and are part of the group? If you're a "third date" big deal person, you really want to know. And if you're a "third date makes it okay to do the deed" person, it helps even more.

Let's say you do the meet and greet, then some time passes, and he shows up to the group get together you planned and invited him to. When you finally get to the actual date, is that now a third or a first date? Let's throw in one more date for good measure. Maybe it's your fourth, maybe it's your second...you don't know and you say WTF and do the deed, cause you're in the mood and attracted and somebody's drunk. At this point, I think it's okay to move on to overanalyzation.

You mention to your new special friend that you went to find his profile again on that dating site where you first met, and tell him it's no longer there. He tells you "I know, I don't need to be there anymore." "Hmmmm, is this about me?" you wonder. Or could it be a big giant ball of confusion thrown your way and you've forgotten your catcher's mitt? The girly girl is hoping it's about you, but the skeptic is saying this is a lot deeper than that. Now you overanalye yourself, and decide it's obvious - you're way too insecure to just accept that it's about you...overanalyzing him, you figure it just can't be that simple, he's a pretty deep guy.

After that date, where he took you to his office party, he tells you how his boss joked after meeting them that he bets "you don't have a girlfriend anymore." The overanalyzation kicks in big time, wondering what man would use the word girlfriend and not be denying it to the boss and making it perfectly clear to you that you're not his girlfriend. "Is he saying that he's my boyfriend?" you're wondering. "Am I ready to commit?" You're in complete shock after dating a half dozen men over the years that can say "I love you" but refuse to commit to dating exclusively.

Panic disorder sets in. The questions fly through your head, racing to whether this guy is marriage material because why bother going on a fifth date with someone who's not, especially if he already thinks you're his girlfriend. And it's very possible he said it but is not that clueless and you've taken the relationship five years into the future, and he's still back on date number three because the meet and greet and group get together doesn't count. You text message him to invite him out with your friends and he can't make it. You beat yourself up for turning into "too much, too soon" chick and are convinced he's done with you. Of course, it's most likely just in your own head, but you can forget about ever thinking about anything else but where you went wrong, for the next 24 hours. You've gone from worrying about his thinking you're a psycho stalker chick to truly being neurotic.

And meanwhile, he's sleeping easy.

Forgive me blogger, for I have sinned...

2005-11-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

It has been 35 days since my last posting.

I have been eagerly searching out money for nothing with the "get paid to" world. Epiphanies are hitting me left and right as to how I will amass my fortunes. And for some strange reason, I'm still poor.

OK, Anthony Robbins, here goes...

2005-10-14T21:40:00.000-04:00

Who am I?

First Response:
I'm an intelligent, strong willed, passionate, dramatic, mom; a weight obsessed food addict; an internet junkie; frustrated, insecure, self-critical, snobby, confused, lonely woman.

Expanded Response:
I'm a woman with intelligence, who is logical and analytical; I'm a mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest person; I am passionate about ideas and things that bother me or excite me or make me happy; I am hard on myself but striving to improve; I'm an internet expert and enthusiast; I have high standards for others but more so on myself.

New Response - who I will be:
I'm a strong, confident, intelligent woman that has a passion for her work and hobbies; I'm a great mom that is trying to raise her daughter to be a good, honest and proud person; I'm beautiful and strong and a catch for some lucky man; I have accomplished a lot and worked hard for it; I'm a cancer survivor and proud; I am confident and motivated.

Morning Rambles

2005-10-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize it had been about a month since my last post. I suppose it's time for something big and great and epiphany-like. However, it's just not there. I'm working hard on me, but apparently not hard enough. And that's a prime example. I need not to beat myself up for being imperfect.

I wish I could feel that spirituality and excitement for my personal growth. I wish I could believe in it so that I could start to feel it. I read a book, or listen to one on CD, about success and I just don't get excited. I need that momentum. I need to think positive, for more than just the time it takes to get through that book or CD. I need to allow myself those mini-breakdowns without worrying that the world might notice I have issues. I want to take a break from exuding inner strength...a break from having inner strength. I want not to feel like I need a break.

Inspiration

2005-09-14T21:26:00.000-04:00

So often over the years, I've been told I'm an inspiration for my strength. I'd never felt it though. It was easy to be strong, I had no choice. There was no fighting, there was just allowing doctors to do what they needed to and my going through the motions. I didn't have to work that hard or push myself, I just showed up when and where they told me and continued on with the rest of my life as best I could. I suppose I could've become a basket case and shut off the world and stopped going through the motions...I've seen that happen. That's just not me, that didn't come naturally. Following what I'm told is "right," that's me. But I digress.

What do I find an inspiration? The people that go through those motions but do have a choice; that don't "have to" fight for their life or show up, in order to stay alive. They have a plan, a schedule, a set of rules and guidelines for keeping themselves healthy and fit. They go to the gym, without questioning whether the "feel like it" or not. They eat when they're hungry and stop, even when not full, because they know what's appropriate. They drink lots of water, no coffee, don't smoke and take vitamins and supplements. And there's no question or complaint or options. It's just their lifestyle, not a phase or means to an end.

I want that. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to wake up and do what's the best for my health without feeling it's a chore. I want to just go to the gym without mentally justifying not going; and be one of those people that actually enjoys it, not who stares at the clock, hoping it's almost over. I want to eat a serving and not wonder where, when and what I'm going to eat next. I want to enjoy what I eat, but without issues.

But I am who I am, though I can attempt to adjust and work on improving myself. However, I will continue to admire and find inspiration in those that do live the lifestyle without question or contempt. Because as long as I have to get my ass to the gym, and fight for my body to stay healthy and get in shape, then there will always be question and contempt.

The Queen Helene Show

2005-09-13T15:27:00.000-04:00

If I sit back and look at my life and my friends and my family and the conversations that take place, it amazes me that I'm not watching a sitcom. The cast of characters is like nothing and everything you'd see on tv. From the annoying mother that lives in her own universe to the sidekick buddy that seems to be flooded with issues. And of course, you have the star of the show, who seems the most centered and "normal" compared to the rest of the cast. But the episode continues on and the comedy unfolds as she does, as well.

I am that leading lady. And just when it feels I'm the centered "normal" one, the phone rings, the door opens, the email arrives and the scene changes. The world around me unfolds and I feel my mind slipping away. The neurosis kicks in and I'm flustered and frenzied and becoming the center of that comedy. Sure, it's funny in hindsight, and funny to my viewers. But now I can feel Frazier Crane's angst as his father insists on keeping the ugly lazy chair in the center of his Ethan Allen living room; or Grace's frustration that she's fallen for another gay guy; or Peter Brady's fear as the lamp breaks, because mom always said "don't play ball in the house." It's only when I remember to take a step off the stage and take a look at the screen, that I can laugh.

Being in the center of a real-life sitcom is actually pretty funny most of the time...and pretty sad and frustrating and complicated at other times. The ability to laugh at yourself, though, is one of the most rewarding and grounding traits a person can have. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd much rather be a sitcom queen, than a drama queen.

A Different Perspective

2005-09-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

Almost three years ago, when I changed cubicles, my new neighbor declared my lack of decoration boring and tacked up this poster of a seal called "A Different Perspective." Only, she hung it upside down - her reasoning being that this would be a different perspective. Two moves later, that same poster hangs in my office on a real wall, still upside down.

Three years ago, I fell in love for the first time since my divorce, with a man I thought was perfect. We seemed so compatible and happy together, had so much fun and great conversation, and amazing chemistry. And when he told me he was having a great time but I wasn't what he was looking for long term, I let the relationship continue. I told myself I was just going to enjoy the moment but most likely I'm sure I was convinced things might change. Even when he went back to his ex-girlfriend, I remained a side dish. Many trials and tribulations and a year later in that relationship, I ceased all contact with him. I was heartbroken but knew that this was the only way for me to get past it.

One year after that, on a whim, I got back in touch. I was going through chemo, a bit reminiscent of happier moments in my life, and sure I could now handle it. We saw each other a couple of times and even played around.

Our contact had been fairly infrequent over this past year, since resuming contact. Every now and then, there's a lengthy chat where I'm reminded of how much I enjoy talking and being with him. Some time ago, caught in a half-joke, he started coming over from time to time, on Tuesday nights. What our Tuesday nights amounted to are, these days, more commonly referred to as "bootie calls."

I'm coming off a year of intense health issues, so am not looking for another drama. I've had two years apart from being with him to process who he is and I'm no longer blinded by the euphoria of new love. And what I'm looking for is a distraction in my life, not a new focus. A long term relationship? Probably not. It's really all a matter of perspective...and today, I'm coming from a different perspective.

Spam Dammers!

2005-08-29T21:56:00.000-04:00

I just had to put on word verification for my comments section, thanks to a happy spammer who kept posting crappy links on my blog.

For those who legitimately want to comment, thanks for taking the added step.

:-)

Digging Deeper

2005-08-28T16:43:00.000-04:00

So I've given up dating with the idea that it would be unfair to my potential suitors. How can I put myself out there, have someone fall in love with me, only to die on them? I can promise you happily ever after, but I just can't tell you how long that ever after will be - it may be sooner than you'd have imagined. I feel it would be like trying to sell some sucker a lemon - sure it's a pretty car, but it may just start giving you problems here and there, slowly torturing and frustrating you until it just gives up and dies in the middle of rush hour traffic on I-95. Yep, I likened myself to a car and one that sucks. Pretty great attitude to lug around day after day. And, I've made myself into a martyr that has given up dating to potentially save a mystery man from a broken heart. What a gal!

Let's dig deeper. Let's suppose this is an excuse. Could it be that I'm worried about that man looking at me and seeing a lemon, so I cut him off at the pass? Perhaps, I put myself out there and no one is interested. Who am I saving the broken heart, him or me? Maybe it's not so much that I don't want to sell someone a lemon as that I don't want to have to sell so hard, knowing it's a lemon. Yep, self-deprecating again.

This is where I'm going wrong. In either scenario, I'm ruining any shot of happiness with someone else by not seeing myself as worthy. Am I worthy of someone loving me, if it's only for a short time? Am I worthy of being loved even if it means that someone's going to have to be my caretaker at some point? Am I worthy of being loved if my body is full of scars and my hair is not the long flowing mane it once was? Will someone find me attractive again and worthy of all the work that's involved in loving me?

It all starts with me. I need to read that paragraph and answer those questions for myself and say "hell ya!" or better yet, "duh!" If I see myself as a lemon, that's what I project. I want a man to look at me as if I'm the most beautiful, amusing, brilliant woman he's ever met. And I need to see that woman first, before I'll ever be able to enveil her to the world.

I'm not sure if it's time to start dating again, but it's definitely time to start making lemonade out of this lemon.

New Goals

2005-08-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

1 - Programming of modern-chick.com to be completed by Sep 16. Complete content for Modern-chick by September 30.

2 - Lose the inital WW 10% by October 15.

3 - Consistently go to the gym 4x/week. Do weight training 1x/wk.

4 - Read (or audiobook) at least one self-improvement book per month - either business or personal.

5 - Get finances worked out. Create realistic budget for household spending by 10/1.

Goal assessment

2005-08-24T19:24:00.000-04:00

Let's review the old and assess:

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15
NO...maybe I'll revisit this after dedicating myself to getting modern-chick.com up and running for awhile. I think I'd like to consider partnering with someone on this venture.

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete Oooh, sorry, no again

3) Get finances under control -

Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
Look into refinancing by 10/31

I refinanced, budget was under control only thanks to a lawsuit settlement

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1
Can't remember when, but she's been doing ice skating for almost a year now

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12
That gym sucked, but have been going regularly since Memorial Day, at LA Fitness

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel
Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1
I have her every 3rd weekend now and we keep busy with friends

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12
There's just no time for this with the gym routine...not quite sure this is for me anymore, other than occasionally for fun.

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26
I just can't do it, I have been dating, but I need to stick with low key casual for now, until I'm comfortable with myself.

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25
Can't remember what I did here, definitely not a schedule - can't with the meetings that come about everyday. I have set goals with my boss and accomplished all - most on the timeline laid out.

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1
Ideas are there, just not flowing nor developing

Word of the Day - Deify

2005-08-12T10:27:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine, having recently heard from a number of former girlfriends, told me that the women seem to have deified him in their memory. Each enjoyed reminiscing on "the good old days." Even he was aware that he wasn't the great boyfriend being remembered.

It struck a chord with me. After the time apart from my old flame, touching base again, I felt I was going in with eyes wide open. I still enjoyed talking with him, and I'll admit, a "no strings" night of fun from time to time, but finally saw him as he was...imperfect and unattainable, a far cry from the way I saw him while we were together.

But loneliness and dissatisfaction will do a number on a person's memory and emotions. A long conversation and a hot night later, I found my mind wandering. An incredible lover, an amazing motivator, personable and fun and serious when it's called for, so much to offer for the long term - these were all the thoughts rolling around my mind. "What if I..." and "maybe he would..." There my brain goes into the creative area - where movie moments come true and everybody lives happily ever after.

"They all seem to be deifying me, forgetting how and why it ended." He shook me back into reality. I am one of these women, deifying my old flame, instead of remembering how his superficiality broke my heart. He's an incredible lover instead of he's a man who is screwing 3 or 4 different women at a time. He's an amazing motivator instead of a perfectionist who expects no less in others. He has so much to offer for the long term instead of he would never be with me for the long term.

Fantasy and daydreaming are fun, and quite honestly, he is a lot of fun. But I need to keep my head on straight and stop deifying a man that could very easily, if I let him, break my heart over and over again. And he really is a great man, but he's no god.

I Like My Life? Go Figure

2005-07-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

When John told me about his successes, and the business he has in the works that will soon bring him millions, I responded "I want your life." He told me he hears that a lot.

I was thinking about it later. As much as I'd like that financial success, I don't really want his life. Not that there's anything wrong with it. He pretty much accomplishes everything he sets out to achieve, he's independent, seems incredibly happy, and he lives the life he wants to be living. Sure, I would like to say those things about myself. But in my life, not his.

I shocked myself when I heard my internal voice saying "I like my life." Holy shit, what's that about? I had the year from hell, with my health. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. There's a struggle between desperately wanting to be in a relationship and not wanting to deal with men at all, not feeling like I'm dating material. And yet, I like my life?

I don't have the big fancy house I want, or even the modest one. But I have my condo, which I've bought, decorated, maintained and made a home on my own.

I don't have a man in my life, and rarely have that spark with the ones I meet. But I do have a few good friends that are there for me and keep me busy with a social life.

I'm not overly wealthy or completely financially secure. But no longer am I struggling, as I used to, and I pay all my bills on time. I never question which bill I should pay, instead of paying them all.

My job is not paying me what I'm worth or what the industry commands. But I've grown in the company and am working towards my own business that will challenge me to get there.

I will spend the rest of my life worrying everytime there's a pain or odd feeling, that cancer will return. But for today, I have no evidence of disease.

I cry, and feel sad and frustrated and angry and confused. But I also laugh. I laugh a lot.

So, if anyone's paying attention out there. I take it back. I don't want his life. I just want to accomplish what I set out to achieve, be happy and independent, and live the life I want to be living, like he does. And I think I'd also ask for the confidence and peace of mind to appreciate the life I have today. I think I'm on my way.

Survivor's Guilt

2005-07-22T07:17:00.000-04:00

"In the special case of chronic illness, survivor guilt can occur after the deaths of peers who faced the same diagnosis. By definition, there is an implied comparison with people who have endured similar ordeals."

"Survivor guilt explores the other side of the coin of why me? --namely, why not me? "

"Some survivors may keep a low profile to avoid spotlighting this contrast of outcomes."

"Survivor guilt may exist for a reason...It may help survivors cope with the helplessness and powerlessness of being in a life-threatening situation without the ability to protect or save others."

© 2004 Brain Tumor Society

All About Me

2005-07-17T04:25:00.000-04:00

I hate making this all about me but that's where my brain keeps going back. My mom just called me about an hour ago to tell me that my uncle had passed. At first, not a tear, and I wasn't expecting that.

I want to cry for him but when the tears started, it was all about me. My aunt and uncle didn't seem to have such a great marriage, until later on, after the kids were out. They did everything together and flirted and talked about their sex life like they were teenagers. They had their til death do us part. I want that.

And then it really came back to all about me. This could be my "next time." I take for granted that I beat cancer twice already. But did I? Does anyone really beat it or do we just spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to come back? Cancer kills. It may not have killed me yet, but it killed him. What happens when there's no more body parts left to remove through surgery? My chemo was preventative, what if I needed it to save me? It didn't save him.

And they're looking at me now. My mother told me how she's so grateful and gives prayers of thanks to G-d that I survived this, especially after seeing him last week. I fear his family will look at me and wonder why I'm still here and he's not. I don't want anyone looking at me.

But I need to be there and show my aunt and cousins that I'm with them, that I'm just like them, saying goodbye to a family member whom we lost to Cancer. And I need for a moment to be about him and about them and not show them the tears of what this means to me.

Practice

2005-07-01T09:43:00.000-04:00

She looks to her left and can only imagine what those women must be thinking. They've got no clue. Grabbing the end of her sleeve into her fist, she uses the back of her hand to wipe the tears away.

Her eyes go back down below, watching her daughter on the ice. A small smile finds its way to the corner of her lips. Not graceful at all, but damn, she's cute.

The big puzzle that has been left unsolved for the past 10 years is finally starting to come together. The pieces still need to be moved around and turned a few times to fit into place. But she's almost there.

"It's not about me, it's about her." That inner voice is speaking, telling her to look in another direction. "He wanted me here. He needed me here for her. He still needs me. She needs me."

Most people question "why me" when something horrible goes wrong. Not her. She questions why she was saved, spared; why she lives to face it again someday. Peace would finally come, if not. The calm she craves more than anything.

Another tear forms, as the blonde figure skates in a circle, trying so hard and smiling at her teacher. That little baby grew into this little person. And she loves and trusts and sees her mommy, and never questions it for a moment. Her daughter has no idea how lucky her mother feels to have her; how happy she makes her and how much more she means to her than to a woman who has carried her child.

But at this moment, this woman realizes that they were gifts to each other. She realizes that He gave her to the child to watch out for her, to be the mommy that she needs, that she deserves. And it was He that saved her, not once but twice, from the disease. The first time to await her birth, the next to continue to protect and guide and love her like no other could. She hopes that one day, should her time no longer be required, her daughter will know what an honor it was to have held that place in her universe.

Daydreams

2005-06-20T19:38:00.000-04:00

I thought about what it would have been like to have you there, going through chemo. I didn't let anyone in, and I didn't want anyone to see me. The one time I had someone with me, I squirmed, so upset that I wouldn't have my privacy. But I daydreamed that you were with me.

My mind was fuzzy, as the Adivan normally did to me. But I opened my eyes and looked at you. You smiled that goofy grin, yet said nothing. I tensed up from the butterflies of the adrenaline rush caused by the anti-histamine. You reached your hand onto my shoulder and massaged it, trying to relax me. I look into your eyes as mine start to tear. I blink the tears down to my cheeks as I drift off, once again.

I fade back into reality and feel those same tears rolling down my cheek. If only.

Another Dedication to the Clueless

2005-06-09T06:13:00.000-04:00

I am constantly amazed by people who have no clue who they are. Sure, they can rattle off how they describe themselves, what they do for a living, what they want. But so much of the time, the adjectives are so far off of reality, I wonder where the hell they came up with that.

Yep, back to Jdate. An intelligent, hottie guy contacts me with a one-liner and the back and forth ensue. He flirts, I flirt, the phone number is passed. This man has presented himself as an intellectual, deep, spiritual marlboro man of an adventurer. The voice indicates the wizard has come out from behind the curtain.

He starts by talking about his indian name and Geronimo and dancing with wolves, moves on to his lobbying for the ACLU, switches into the universe will present me with the next experience bullshit, then asks why I think we're opposites.

As I begin to answer, he interrupts with the next question and before I can utter my "well, I..." he throws in a "women are so predictable." I inquire how I'm predictable and he moves on to a different question, why am I so confused? I tell him I'm not confused at all. Apparently my saying it's too early in the call to know if I'm interested makes me confused, since my email showed otherwise. "Sometimes the online and offline personas are not the same," I explained.

He keeps throwing out question after question without letting me answer, gets annoyed that I used the word "passionate" in a way to mean something other than sexual, and pretty much has the entire conversation on his own - putting the words into my mouth. He had the nerve to say "this is why I hate Jewish women" after meeting me on a Jewish dating site and leave me still not knowing why, this morning. He tells me I like to fight and he doesn't want a woman who wants to fight. I said "well, what is it you want? You keep trying to start that fight and making me defend myself." He says "I want peace. I want someone who's laid back and easy going." Good luck there, buddy. I was a lot more laid back until you came along.

Eventually, I discover what's making him mad. The cowardly wizard thought he was getting laid. "You shouldn't flirt if you don't mean it," he says. "I'm a flirt, but what is that supposed to mean?" He responds with a "okay, bye" and hangs up on me.

Amazing to me. This guy says he wants peace, yet he's the one stirring up the conflict. He believes he's this deep spiritual soul, yet he's not got the depth to even ask a single question about who I am or where I've been. He's waiting for the universe to show him the signs for his next adventure, yet he's got no clue how to read them.

If I hadn't just blocked him, I would've told him that before we can explore the world, we have to explore ourselves. And get a clue!

Juggling

2005-06-08T21:42:00.000-04:00

So just when I decide no more dating, they come out of the woodwork. So now I need to figure out the math. If I only take my phone calls after 9 pm, and am usually asleep by 10 pm, how do I juggle 4 men calling to chat. I've managed to sneak in an 8:30 "I'm sorry, wanted to go to bed early so called you instead" call, to be available for a 9 o'clock call with the next bachelor. Then I can pretty much count on the night owl to either call at 10 on the nose or wake me up from a deep sleep to chat. There are two others that I've been moving around on different nights. However, at this very moment, I am expecting them both to call.

I've learned not to tell too many stories or I end up doing a "I thought I told you this" followed by "I told you this already? Sorry." Mysterious works, as well as the interview. Ask lots of questions and pay attention to the answers. Make sure you know who said what. I just screwed that up tonight by mentioning the Broadway Mall to the wrong guy. This one would have no clue what that is. It worked out though, he thanked me for telling him about the Nathan's at Broward Mall. Nope, wasn't me.

Anyway, wish me luck. I always sucked at juggling.

An Ode to "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover"

2005-06-01T14:37:00.000-04:00

We hear it over and over, but do we really live it. I recently was reminded of that familiar phrase, and again it was proven to be true.

Reaching my final day on jdate, I took a last look at my "matches." One guy looked like a total punk with weird chin hair and cut sleeves, tattoos and earring, and no kids. Sooooo not my type. For kicks, I opened his profile. Interestingly enough, he had great essays, writes, seemed very intelligent, funny and romantic...and he was online.

I shot him a quick email that said "hey, I think we have the same couch." We've chatted online for the past two nights, for a couple of hours each. We actually have a lot in common, plus he's very intellligent, witty and sweet, very much a gentleman and okay with adoption (he was adopted himself). Best of all, we both like pralines 'n cream, admit on our profiles that we're not physically active and prefer the Brady Bunch to Partridge Family.

I don't know if anything will come of this, but just wanted to get back to my original subject. I'm glad I didn't let his appearance stop me from reading his profile and chatting with him.

Dear Sherri,

2005-05-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

Response to an e-mail from my friend

Wow, I'm jealous. It seems as though things are falling into place for you. I guess I need to move across the country to lose weight and get some men interested.

Nothing exciting to report here. I joined LA Fitness on Saturday (there's a new one by Winston Park), hoping that if I start moving my ass, I'll be more inspired to eat right and it'll keep me out of the house for an extra hour and a half in the evenings and away from the frig.

Once again, I've done the hokie pokie and pulled myself out of dating. I went out a few times with the [guy] that looked good on paper, but I wasn't really thrilled with him and my feelings must've been reciprocated b/c once I slept with him, I never heard from him again. And I wasn't about to contact him and give him the satisfaction of thinking I was that into him or that I'm a psycho chick.

There are a couple of guys I'm talking with on the phone, but not feeling desperate enough to attempt moving forward. I really need to get my weight in order and hair growing before I'll feel confident enough to go out and try to meet someone. It's just difficult, because like all us single gals, I get lonely for companionship.

It sounds like you and "D" are progressing, but slowly. That's a good thing. But it also sounds like you're not so sure because you're still actively going out looking for other guys (i.e., "J"). I'd keep it up...and listen to your instincts. My instinct told me this guy wasn't right but I wanted it so bad to work that I allowed myself to sleep with him with that sinking feeling that he wasn't very enamored with me. And I need that...I need to be put on the pedestal and to be with a guy that thinks I'm the bomb. I'm just too insecure to be with someone that is lukewarm.

Anyway, the camping was fun, but too hot and stressful with getting a big group organized and planning activities. The conference was phenomenal. It was great going from dirty yucky sweaty camping to a luxury resort and conference center with other professionals in my industry. I really needed that quiet time away from people. Of course, there were tons of people there, but no one was up my ass for attention. I went with two very low key women - they were very sweet and friendly, but relaxed. I've gotten so used to my demanding friends chewing my ear off and looking to go out partying when the kids aren't around. I even chose not to take calls from my friends back here, to allow myself that quiet time. I also learned a lot at the conference sessions and enjoyed being treated like a VIP by the vendors. We got a free night at Islands of Adventure - they opened to just the conference attendees and had 3 of the big rides open with no lines, free play at the arcade, food, drinks, dj with dancing...it was great! I hated coming back home.

I really love my friends but have recently been disheartened by the attitudes and intelligence levels. I really only have one friend here that's not a drama queen and is also a professional, like me. (not that I don't have drama queen moments). I have a friend from Jax that has taken to calling me every morning on my commute and just talking incessantly about bullshit...and she's got no clue that she's making a short story reallllly long and what's mountains are nothing but molehills.

Speaking of short story long, huh?

Prom Queen

2005-05-15T10:44:00.000-04:00

Something I figured out, as I was talking it through, was that the three men that have been most significant in my dating share a common element. They all made me feel like they were honored to be with me. They made me feel like I was prom queen and they were the regular joe who got lucky. It may not have been what they were actually thinking, and may not be the reality of the situation, but they made me feel that good.

This new one, although he goes through the motions and is a good date, gentleman and sweet guy, just doesn't make me feel special. And I think I need that. It may be spoiled or narcissistic of me to want to be put on a pedestal and adored and admired, but that's just what works for me.

The thing is, when you try so hard to make it happen, because a fit seems there, you compromise what you want. Certain concessions I'm willing to make, but giving up being adored is not one of them. I want to be with someone I adore and I promise he will feel it from me, so I guess I expect the same in return.

It's too bad, he truly is a good fit, as far as lifestyle and personality go. But I'm not sure he really finds me to be wonderful, so much as he just finds me to be...there.

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Jinx

2005-05-11T10:17:00.000-04:00

I took my ass back to Jdate, after seeing my friend who met her husband there. So I trade some witty IMs with a guy, talk briefly on the phone, then move on to the longer 1-hour phone call. Something really scary happened. It fit. The conversation flowed, we learned more about our business lives and we speak each other's speak.

But of course, I don't want to say that out loud. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. From the first phone call, I got this feeling that he's right for me...not just a crush or romantic flirtation, but our lifestyles and personalities go well. Yet, now I'm sure it's got to go wrong somewhere because if I'm actually thinking positive that'll jinx it.

So, as predicted, the next phone call was not so hot - too many questions and comments about appearance and requesting more pictures. He was slowly losing points. However, we continued on and moved on to date number one.

Here I am today, the day after. And I'm terrified to say what's really on my mind because I'm going to jinx it. The date went well, very well. I like him, he fits. But it's early yet. There, I've said it and now I'm jinxed.

I guess it's a risk I have to take. Doesn't everyone talk about the power of positive thinking. I'm going to try and keep that mind set. It's time, I'm ready and it will happen. Maybe he's not the one, but he could be.

Jinx jinx jinx. Too bad!

Overanalyzing Again

2005-05-04T08:28:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm still nitpicking on my relationship with John (G), but I am. I guess it comes out of the frustration of having to start dating all over again, and not feeling that spark or compatibility with anyone new. And when we start new, after something that we thought was good, we end up always comparing it to that one before. I'm looking for that best friend again, someone that makes me laugh, someone that I'm dying to call when something good or bad happens, someone I can be happy laying around with saying or doing absolutely nothing. And it's all his fault.

Last night, I got annoyed. I'm angry all over again. First of all, from the very beginning, I told him that since neither one of us were relocateable, that we would never be more than friends. He was warned not to romance me or pursue me because it would probably work; and he swore he wasn't, but of course, he was. You don't talk on the phone for hours at a time, several times a day, emailing and IMing in between those calls, with just a friend. He knew he was reeling me in.

And I'm also angry that he chickened out when we both realized it was so much more. I finally allowed myself to become attached and rely on him and love him, and he admitted those feelings for me, and he gave me my movie moment, and then he bailed. We finally got to the visit where our real feelings were out in the open and we were able to express and enjoy them while physically together and he got scared and pushed me away. He used the excuse that we got carried away, as a reaction to my health crisis. But I knew...I knew he couldn't deal with these feelings and not being able to be with me because of the distance. He dragged me into this and then wussied out.

Lastly, I'm pissed at him to figure out that I've been no different than every other sucker that falls for him. Every last one of us believes that we're special, believes that they have a best friend in him, believes that we would make such a great family together. It's a shtick. Yes, I was the only one to get an "I love you" out of him, as more than a friendly "luv ya," but it was fleeting. It pains me to know that he may just lump me in with the rest of the spreadsheet, that I was just one more foolish woman that got carried away, thinking we were something more than the rest.

Mostly, I'm pissed at myself for allowing this to happen and for those weak moments when I still regret not being able to be with him and dream of being at peace with our picket fence in Stepford and our happy ending.

Decisions Decisions

2005-04-28T05:57:00.000-04:00

It's incredibly frustrating to find yourself dating and chatting and putting yourself out there, yet not feel compatibility or excitement with any of them. Sure, there are nice ones, funny ones, hot ones...but that doesn't necessarily mean they will all come in the same person, nor click with you.

I go back and forth between putting the full strategic marketing plan into action and pulling all materials from the shelf. I feel like I want to get out there and meet them and find someone that'll fit, but then it gets old when no one is doing it for me. So I start using the excuse "I'm just not ready." Anyone read "He's Just Not That Into You?" That's a bullshit excuse. For the right person, we're always ready.

Legitimately, though, I don't feel I'm at my most attractive with my short post-chemo 'do. Call it a Pixie, call it Lesbian Biker Bar Chic. Either way you look at it, it's not sexy to anyone but other women.

What's really best, though? Do I banish myself to the land of celibacy and girls' nights out until my hair grows another 5 inches and I lose those 40 pounds? Or, do I continue to date, with the feel-good, politically correct notion that the right man will love me warts and all? We all know it's great in theory, but if there are only 3 men looking, what are the chances he'll be in that group of 3?

And what are the chances that someone reading this post is going to be thinking "you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you?" Speaking of feel-good politically correct theories.

That Wild Hair Again

2005-04-26T06:20:00.000-04:00

My list of male prospects has whittled down to almost none. Every now and then, I get a call from a guy I went out with a few times, last month. However, he seems to neglect to ask me out, or we end up fighting. The man just doesn't know how to flirt. Yet, I like him. Don't ask me why, some spark is just unexplicable.

I decided that it's just not going to happen as a relationship, and nothing's really taking off with anyone else, so it's time to give in and allow the bootie call. A tentative date is planned and the majority of that day goes by with no confirmation or follow-up call. A cutie gives me a call and asks me on a first date. I accept.

Bad state of mind to go into with for a first date. My mind is on the bootie call, i.e., sex; and I'm bored with the lack of excitement in my dating life. I'm an easy target. The guy who asked me out is very cute, but I just didn't find a spark on the phone. He's an absolute sweetheart, but the flirtation is missing. I need fire and teasing and banter. I actually decided before I went out with him, that if he were cute but I felt no potential, that "I'd do him."

That's awful, eh? It gets worse. He's as sweet as pie, tells me right off the bat that I'm cuter than my pictures and we sit and talk for two hours. No, actually, he talks for two hours, but that's irrelevant here. No potential and he's adorable. So when he asks to kiss me, things start looking up. Fast forward through a "your place or mine" scenario and we're on my bed. He told me straight out that he was still interested in seeing me and pursuing this, that the first date sex made no difference to him. He left it to me to make the call and let him know if I were still interested.

I won't drag this post on. I learned something new about myself, that night. For all the complaining my friends and I may do about the superficiality of men not wanting us chubby chicks, I found myself relating. I can not believe that I would actually make a decision based on a man's penis size. But I did. If we had met taken our time and fallen in love first, size wouldn't matter. However, that's not how it happened. He was great with his mouth, but if oral sex were enough, I'd be a lesbian.

I feel so guilty, but I also know I can't continue to date a man because I feel guilty over not wanting to date him. You live, you learn.

Naked

2005-04-18T08:49:00.000-04:00

I did it. I took the wig off. I've done it before, on the weekend and in Mexico, but today's a first. I went to the office sans fake hair protecting my face. And I can't even wear eye make-up, thanks to the Lasik I had on Thursday, to distract people from the fact that I have this short little pixie.

Tomorrow I remove the port from my chest, and the only remnants of the cancer are the new scars - physical and emotional. Onward and upward. My hair will grow, time will heal some of the wounds and the count will begin again. I've been cancer-free (or NED - no evidence of disease) for 10 months...G-d willing, I'll be counting until I die of old age.

But for now, I have major stomach issues, from nerves. Today is the first day my co-workers see me without the wig. The buzz has already begun. I've had about 5 visitors come "check me out." I have to remember that this is my issue, and no one else's. It's all in my head. No one really cares what my hair looks like, nor will judge me.

I've avoided being the poster child for cancer, but I almost feel like it's time. It's time for me to make a statement by wearing this hair as my purple heart. I've got nothing to be ashamed of, and I should be proud. This hairdo is one of the battle scars from my war with cancer. I survived and I'm here another day to remind the world. I may not be at my most attractive, but there's more to me than what I look like...and what I look like today proves that. Today, everyone can see me - my real hair and my battle scars.

And I feel so naked.

The Worst Kind

2005-04-03T07:28:00.000-04:00

Harry: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

I've always maintained that I'm low maintenance. I figure I'm really easy to please. Make enough money to pay the bills plus eat out every so often and be prepared for emergencies. Buy me flowers on Valentine's Day, open the door and tell me I'm pretty. Jeans and tee-shirts for running errands, jeans and pearls for a date. No fancy restaurants needed and no long walks on the beach. I'm good with the sports grill and renting a video. I love my weekend getaways, but am good with the Quality Inn over the Sheraton. I shop at Wal-Mart and Target, buy my name brands on eBay or from a van in the alley. Ok, so I need Helman's and Heinz over store brand, but it's just condiments. And once a year I want a real vacation, and not one where I have family and friend visiting obligations.

Uh oh, it starts there. I'm slowly learning that I may not be SOOOOO low maintenance. Could I be getting more demanding as I age? Or could I just be more willing to admit that I want a little more than the basics? You can take the girl out of Long Island, but you can't take the Long Island out of the girl.

I took my daughter to Cancun last week for Spring Break. I knew the hotel wouldn't be as impressive as the one we'd stayed at the last time, but I figured there were pools, a beach, a kids' club and all-inclusive amenities. What's one less star REALLY mean? Well, it means that the run down jungle gym that took me three days to discover was their version of the kids' club. And it means that if you're on the all-inclusive plan, the waiters won't come to you at the pool, you've got to get your ass up and go get your own drink. And it means that your bathroom smells like sewer and they clean all the dirty plates and cups around the pool just one time a day. And worst of all, it means no room service! I swore I'd never go back there and from now on, I'd pay a few more dollars to ensure my luxury.

I've also learned I'm a little more demanding, since I've reentered the local dating scene. My southern gentleman spoiled me and now I expect a man to open my doors. Not too bad, I'm sure you're thinking. But I even will sit and wait in the car for him to come around and let me out. I get the WTF look through the window as they're already 10 yards away from the car and I'm still sitting there.

I expect a man to offer to come to me and to have a plan. What do you mean "do I want to meet somewhere in the middle?" Hello, this is a first date, you're supposed to try and impress me. Date's off. "So where do you want to go?" Sorry pal, you asked me out, you'd better make a suggestion, at least. Don't leave me to figure it out when I'm supposed to meet you somewhere in 10 minutes. Indecisive doesn't fly with me.

I always offer to contribute to the check when we eat out. Usually, that offer is declined. Yesterday, I offered to pay towards lunch. "No, that's ok, you can get the movie." He's out. He mentioned the last girl being a gold digger. I'm not after his money, I'm after a gentleman. If he were broke, I'd almost understand. This was a first date, at least attempt to impress me with chivalry. If you don't have a lot of money, then suggest something cheap for our date, like going for a walk somewhere...I won't even notice you're saving money.

Another guy I've been seeing calls but doesn't ask me out. I inquire why not and he responds that he's broke. He's made it past the first three dates, I don't need him to pay for a meal anymore. See, I'm not that bad. But his car was in the shop and I was annoyed that he didn't figure out a way to come see me. Demanding? A bit.

So, I'm ready. I'm ready for a quality vacation, and I'm ready for a quality man... and I'm ready to admit that I'm not quite low maintenance. I want the romance and I want it from a gentleman that's going to show me that he believes I'm worth the extra steps it takes. I'm worth 15 more minutes in the car, and walking around to open the door and paying for the first date (which not need to be expensive, mind you) and I'm worth borrowing a car to come see and I'm worth paying a compliment or two. If he doesn't believe that, then he's not the right guy.

Does all this make me high maintenance? If so, then I will accept it and admit it...but for now I'll say I'm high maintenance-ish. I still buy store brand mustard. :-)

When It Rains, It Pours

2005-03-18T07:41:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm dating again. I've broken through the black hole of match.com and finally found a few that didn't disappear after sending the first wink, email or asking me out for coffee.

It all started with Elvis and took off from there.

Last week, on a whim, and not having my daughter on a school night, I was having a first phone call with someone I'd been emailing with. At 10, I said we could've been out for coffee and home already with all the time we spent on the phone. The suggestion sparked the reality and I was in the car on the way to meet Bachelor #1. He was very friendly and complimentary, but I really wasn't feeling the spark. I still thought I might see him again because you just never know.

At the same time, Bachelor #2 emerged from the black hole. We had emailed and he gave me his number and asked me to call. I left a message and never heard back. I gave my match.com membership and profile for all of 5 days but realized when I wasn't getting my refund to get back on there. I reactivated and sent him an email: "whatever happened to you?" He wrote back that he had deleted my number figuring he had it on caller ID, but I had done a call block so he lost it...and then my profile was missing. I granted him his stay of execution and he and I have a date for tomorrow. There was no great banter on the phone, but he's good relationship material, very nice and very local...and flat out looking for a long term relationship. What a refreshing change of attitude from the men I've dated over the past 3 years.

Also, Bachelor #3 wasn't much of an email guy and sent me his phone number. Usually I require some online chatting up front but I figured I've missed out on this stuff for almost 9 months so let's cut to the chase. Great banter, lots of teasing and yet we're both left wondering what the heck is he/she thinking. Pure trouble, but isn't that the most fun? We had our first date yesterday afternoon, for lunch, when I joked "where are we going for lunch," on the phone. He took me up on it and about an hour and a half later he was down from West Palm Beach for lunch. He left me hanging with a mysterious smirk and my not knowing whether he liked me or not. Five hours later, he drove down again from WPB and we had date number two. He had been given the warning that just because I let him into my house, doesn't mean he's making it to the bedroom. A lot of teasing and wondering on both sides what the other was really thinking, and then finally he asked me straight out "so, are you interested?" Duh! I told him when a woman throws her legs across his lap, it's a good sign. He told me if I didn't want to find out whether he was interested then I should remove my legs because I'd be feeling it pretty soon. I finally got a "you're so cute" out of him. Sheesh! What's it take to get a compliment in this town??? He reminded me that nothing would happen since he'd been given a stern warning and he was being a gentleman and respectful. GRRRRR, kiss me damnit!!! We ended it with a hug, he kissed the top of my head, then as he walked out the door turned and said "call me tomorrow, please." He's fun, I like that one. Not sure about potential for long term, but we'll see.

Back at the ranch, I've still been emailing with another nice gentleman who has my number but has yet to take the initiative to call. You snooze you lose buddy.

I Went Out with Elvis and He Brought Along Neil Diamond

2005-03-10T08:13:00.000-05:00

I took a chance and went on a date with my first match.com guy that didn't disappear into the black hole. I knew he was an entertainer and comedian, but I finally got out of him that one of his shticks is being an Elvis impersonator.

Saturday night I was supposed to be going out with my friend and meeting my cousin at Crabby Jack's for Karaoke Night. It was the first weekend in three that I didn't have my daughter and I was ready to go play. I'd also invited Elvis, who I later realized I'd seen perform at Karaoke Night a few months earlier, to come join us. In the end, the friend and cousin bailed, so I tracked Elvis down to let him know I wouldn't be there. At that point, he mentioned his friend to me, a nice man that helps him with his gigs and likes to go to Karaoke Night, as well. Turns out he's the famous "Tony Diamond" from Crabby's...I knew exactly who he is. Elvis turned it around on me and invited me to go take Tony out for karaoke, somewhere else.

It was a lovely little get together. I never really spoke with Tony before, all those times I'd seen him at Crabby's. He's a very nice man (who apparently has something he takes thorazine for) and was a gentleman. Elvis took me to his van to listen to some of his CD's, both his Garth Brooks and other impersonator ones and some original songs. Another nice guy, but I could tell he wasn't attracted. Extra points for still being friendly despite that. I knew as soon as I saw his weightlifter physique and hearing a few questions about whether men hit on me when I went out, I had a feeling he wouldn't be attracted to me.

I thanked them both for a nice evening and we went our separate ways. The next day, I sent the thank you email and let Elvis know that even if there were no love connection, I always enjoy making new friends. He responded that he would be honored to be my friend. We've exchanged a few light emails, as such, since. I'm sure I'll see him around again, but as for dating...onward and upward!

Ommmmmmmmm

2005-03-04T17:08:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've written, so I've got to push myself back a couple of weeks. I think we have the psychosis under control now. I'm not feeling completely relaxed, but I do have a sense of calm back. I still get excited and rushed and a little bit fidgety, but it's about 95% back to my baseline quirkiness.

So I am put on some medication that we'll just call a "mood stabilizer" to help with my racing thoughts and what I see as compulsiveness. Dr. Always Runs Late But No One Warns Me When I Call Ahead to Confirm believes this will help with my weight, as well. And I'm all thrilled at the prospect of the miracle drug that will help me gain my composure and work alongside my theory of overeating as a form of OCD. However, as I'm scratching my body raw and noticing these ugly bumps, Dr. Always Runs Late But No One Warns Me When I Call Ahead to Confirm asks me if I'm having any side effects. As I'm scratching away, I say no and then the lightbulb comes on. "Ohhhhh, that's what this rash must be from." She agrees, yet advises me to up the dosage but call if the rash gets worse. Fast forward to the rash getting worse, the doctor being on vacation and the office advising me to call my regular doctor.

Second issue is that I'm not feeling better. I'm embarrassed that people around me sense that I'm losing my mind and I'm starting to feel sick, that I'm really sick and it's screwing with my brain. I hate the thought that I'm the same drug that they give to people with OCD and Bipolar Disorder, regardless of whether it's also the drug now being prescribed to help with weight loss. I focus on the crazy indications. So I feel crazy and I'm walking around scratching all day...not attractive and definitely appears as crazy. Crazy is as crazy does?

I spend the weekend with two friends. One, without question, has serious issues. I know there's arguments that I shouldn't bother having with her, because they stem from her issues and nothing that I've done or said. The other one seems at peace, relaxed, takes life as it comes and faces challenges on a daily basis that I couldn't imagine. I decide that I don't want to be perceived the same way as the one with the issues and if the other one can find peace with her bumps in the road, so can I. That's it, meds are gone, I'm going to learn to just relax and stop with the drama. And that's what I did.

Today, I finally did go to my regular doctor - two weeks and major scratching and bruises from scratching later - to take care of the rash. It should be gone by the time I hit Niagara Falls for my Single Parents Mingle GTG, the motherload of get togethers, and hopefully, I'll be 98% back to me.

Now the original me will probably never exist again. She's got some new war wounds and issues to contend with, and a hell of a lot less hair. But change is good. We'll find out how others deal with it.

I'm Sorry, But...

2005-02-19T06:11:00.000-05:00

What a week...and I'm so glad it's over. I just reread that last post and I realize that a lot of what I regret saying are complaints. I hate to complain. I don't "vent." I hate feeling like I'm whining. I always add a caveat before I speak or warn the person I'm speaking to that "I don't like to be negative, but..."

You know what? Too bad. If the shit is hitting the fan, the boss should know. And she should help me and not look at me like "why are you telling me and what the hell do you expect me to do about it?" I'm a work in progress here. I do not have 10 years of management experience and she knows that. How does she know that? Because she promoted me and she held back that promotion a good long time, until recently. Yes, there's much I can and should figure out on my own. But I run my group fairly autonomously and if I get to the point where I'm telling her something is a problem, then, for me, it's obvious that I need some direction for my next step. She's not another buddy that I need for venting. I'm not a ventor.

And outside of work, sometime life really does suck. My cup will always be half full, but the half that's empty is really kicking me in the ass. It's hard to keep quiet and take it like a trooper, all the time. On some days - ok, periodically throughout the day - I may get bitchy or anxious or sarcastic or just plain batty. And yes, I may complain about my job or my home or my parents or my clothes or my looks. I may complain, incessantly, on one given day. I shouldn't have to apologize or warn people that they are about to hear crap come flying out of my mouth. No one does that for me when I hear it. But still, I do.

Why do I feel this need to apologize or warn or feel guilty or embarrassed for being negative or complaining? Because I know how I feel being on the receiving end. I hate it. I find it horribly annoying to listen to people complain for hours on end about how life sucks. I was the one prompting my buddies and cousins to see the half of their cup that was full, to grab life by the balls and be happy. I want that back. I want to feel that happiness, that verve, that zest, that optimism. Yet, I don't. And I hate that. So, I apologize.

Stop the Ride

2005-02-16T08:39:00.000-05:00

No big post here. I'm all over the place. I don't feel like me. And I want me back. I like the quirkiness I've always seemed to have, but now it's not so cute. I feel crazy.

I want to take life as it comes. I want to feel passionate about things, without flipping out. I don't want to panic. I don't want to act and then later wonder what the heck I did and said and why. I want to just stop and relax and not worry about what the world must be thinking.

Remember Me?

2005-02-06T06:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was reminded of why my ex-husband stopped taking me to the movies 10 years ago. I cry. And I don't just cry where everyone else in the theater does. I'll cry at 10 minutes after the quirky touching scene - after the film itself has moved on. And I'll cry for a good hour after the movie is over wondering why my life can't be like that if it was a really good one.

I've always loved the movies but it's been a while since I've been in "the zone." I completely disappear and become a part of the movie and completely emotionally involved with the characters, or even become one of those characters. I analyze the moments, the players, the colors, backgrounds, music, clothing and imagine where the scenes would go if not constricted by Hollywood - if this were not a film what would be going on.

Sometimes, I become that person up there on the screen. My brain will take me deeper into his psyche, his past or future and then I have analyzed him so much that I lost track of the storyline altogether. I may be left in tears or elated or so emotionally charged that I'm empowered for the next week. I can also be left disheartened for two.

Yesterday was a double feature. First was Sideways. I wanted to know what the hype was about and I'll give you the quick "overrated" for Oscar-worthiness, but they were VERY REAL characters. How many of us geeks or schlubs get stuck with these troublemaking cool friends for a lifetime that we picked up in high school or college that later turn into the schlubs as they age? I know you may be thinking that's not what it was about but I analyze my way, you analyze yours. Back to me...boy did I cry for Miles. I cried throughout the entire film, I could feel his pain at being him.

I was going to go home from there, but knew I needed a pick me upper. The Wedding Date. Oscar-worthy? Hellllll no! Girly fun-worthy? Hellllll ya! A little bit of backwards Pretty Woman and it could've been beefed up some more, but it was just what I needed to cheer me up after the last one. But I cried at this one too, at all different non-sensical moments. A big epiphany given to us women, and one we saw in the commercials, is that we all have the love life we want. And I'm starting to think "uh oh" what am I doing wrong? But then I remember "this is a movie! The screenwriter is not Buddha!" I feel better. It did remind me though about my love for romantic comedies and my need for Dermot Mulroney to be an inch away from my lips with his. But I digress.

Remember me? I'm the one whose husband stopped taking her to the movies because she saw The Mirror Has Two Faces and cried for an hour after, demanding to know why her husband didn't sing to her from the streets. I found her today.

Breakthroughs

2005-02-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

Breakthrough 1: If people are going to read this, I may want to update it every now and then. I just discovered that my new friend has linked to my blog from his blog. How very kind! Let's hope that the gentleman I called a wack never finds his way here.

Breakthrough 2: I realized that I really don't like who I seem to be becoming. I always knew I didn't like what I look like, but now I'm not so sure I even like my personality. I'm turning into my aunts and cousins - the ones that think they're helping you out with constructive criticism and leave you balled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room crying your eyes out.

Breakthrough 3: It's all my mom's fault. The stereotypical scenario of a psychological breakthrough usually involves discovering it's your mom's fault so it shouldn't have been too much of a breakthrough.

Issues

2005-01-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

Finally met with the psychiatrist today. I was so proud to call my friend, after the session and let her know I'm not depressed. Her response, "I knew you're not depressed, you're just a bitch."

Woo hoo! I'm really reveling in the new found freedom that comes with not being perfect, with acknowledging that I do, in fact, have issues.

I get batty when things are not running on schedule. I hate if it seems I'm running late and G-d help you if you are running late.

I can not deal with chaos. One kid, two kids, I'm still ok. Five kids running in circles around the house chasing each other and I start banging my head like Rainman.

I am an intellectual snob. There, I said it, are you happy? I don't share my feelings and thoughts because I'm convinced you won't get it. Maybe I am a bitch. It's an issue.

There are so many more ways to elaborate on those examples but they're just the minor details of the point. The point is I'm okay with not being perfect, not being calm, not going with the flow, not being the cool one. I've got quirks and I flip out and yes, I have issues!

It's Already Out There

2005-01-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

Well I did it. I went on a date. With a local. Wow!

For the past year and a half, I have been on dating hiatus. Yes, I was involved with two men and quasi-involved with another, but those don't count as dating. None lived locally. If they're not local, you can't go on a date. You can chat online, talk on the phone and plan visits, but you can not date. This is why I consider it a dating hiatus.

For the past 9 months, I have removed myself from the market - outside of those long distance romances, which were not supposed to be "exclusive" but that's another topic for another day - and have been in a self-inflicted exile. I needed to deal with my illness and did not make for the greatest catch. I leaned on my out-of-town sweetie for awhile and he was a wonderful distraction and support. But going through this experience made me realize how important it is to have someone by your side. Physically.

I go back and forth on whether it's time. The treatments are done, I'm considered healthy and I have the time. But my hair's not back yet. I still don't feel so attractive and hate the idea of having to explain why you can't put your hands through my hair while we're kissing.

I did it anyway. I put myself out there. I got myself a little crush on an online writer and decided to send him a note. Emails ensued and then the IMs and the date was set. Holy Shit, I was going on a date.

I like him, but I knew from the phone call, even before the date, that he wouldn't be right for me. The offline persona didn't match the online persona - again, another topic for another time. But I went on that date, regardless. I had fun, he's a good guy, just not relationship material for me...and I don't need another fling and don't believe in "friends with benefits." I have too many issues - the "it's not you, it's me" cliche is playing in my head.

The good part in this is I realized it's time. It's time for me to stop hiding and get my ass out there. I put myself out there, it didn't happen, and I survived and I even had fun! Will I find Mr. Right on the next date? It could happen. Or maybe not. Doesn't matter. The dating has begun. I can't take it back, it's already out there.

I Hate Overture

2005-01-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

Oh my G-d! Oh my G-d! Oh my G-d! I am quickly losing my patience for online customer support. Where the heck is a damn phone number. I can't find what I'm looking for and I need this fixed now!!! Click here, then here, then read a million FAQs that I would never ask and then find that damn link to write a customized complaint ticket.

Overture owns the online world right now and I'm going nuts! I think Google and Overture have a conspiracy against me to make my brain explode with functionality that only exists on one and not the other and vice versa. Why won't they both fix it all?! I want to see other peoples PPC bids on Google and I want Overture to let me just add new keywords without having to rewrite the damn add when I think of one!

UGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I need to find my happy place. Good thing I'm off to the dentist.

The "Massage"

2005-01-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

So I forgot to waste work time going over the "massage" story. I just have to get this down though. I don't want to forget the beauty and irony here.

I decided to get a massage to help alleviate the incredible stress I've been feeling. Of course, I decide this at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon, knowing full well that no place will be able to take me on short notice and no place will even be open on a Sunday. So, I start my search online and find the Body & Soul Retreat - open Sundays. Woo hoo! I call. The gentleman is very kind. He tells me there's one opening left. I explain my need for sensitivity because I want to do this without the wig. He's very enthusiastic about helping me and explains how there are massages that work on your lymphatic system, and that he's got the perfect person to do it. He even rearranges schedules so that I can get this "specialist." He mentions a few "earthy" kinds of things to me, but I dismiss it.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. I've completely psyched myself up to be annoyed before I even get there, imagining this person massaging me might actually want to talk to me. I've always had a policy of "no talking" during my massage. Of course, that policy is only in my brain because I'd never have the nerve to say out loud "no talking" to someone. I just can't relax, during a massage, if the person is talking to me. I want to relax and having chit chat with the help is not relaxing. G-d that sounded awful! Okay, I didn't mean it that way, but having to make small talk while trying to unwind doesn't work. I need to drift off and not think about whatever that person decides to talk about. I get there completely ready to be pissed off by this.

I was wrong. It wasn't talking that was about to piss me off. I'd hate to say I'm not spiritual, but I'm not into that earthy, yoga, granola, psychic energy, chakra shit. It's just that to me...bullshit. Frou Frou, mental fluff, bullshit. I was about to be knee deep in it.

From the meditation room to the sweet, calm, soothing speech Bonnie gave me to the clear your minds all the way through to the "how do you feel now" look of pride she gave me, I wanted to scream! Let me give you a hint of what a massage is. It's massaging the body!!! I knew it was a bad sign when she asked me as a "by the way" if I wanted her to also work on my back and neck. Um, duh! "Oh yeah," I said. "I want the whole thing." I meant my entire body. Apparently, not what she was thinking.

She took my hands and explained that the left one is my giving hand and my right is my receiving hand, and if I place them both on my heart, I am giving and receiving love to myself. Either that or I'm rehearsing for my wake. Oh wait, I'm Jewish, we don't do that. I digress.

Bonnie would put one hand under me, then the other would press gently on my arm or my stomach or my leg. Each spot, she'd just sit there like that for 5 minutes. All that kept running through my head was "if she doesn't start massaging in the next minute, I'm getting up." But I didn't. Finally, she seemed to be massaging my feet, but that was a quick 15 second rub to get the blood flowing for the next 5 minute "hold." Towards the end, yes, she massaged my back for 5 minutes. She took my bandana off to "massage my scalp." Again, we seemed to have a miscommunication. Massaging my scalp meant ruffling my fuzz like I was the pet cocker spaniel and had been a good dog.

It was over and I decided I would be honest with the owner. I would tell her that she should warn a first-time clients that a massage is not a real massage and to ask for that if that's what they want. But that was not to be. Just as I was about to let her have it, she went into her enthusiastic speech about how wonderful Bonnie is, and how I should try out her Yoga class as her guess at the Lighthouse Point location and how it's transformed her life. Oh well.

Wait, I forget the part that finally made me laugh. They pitch a "Ladies' Night Out" special. What she tells me sounds wonderful - we all are in robes, eating brie and drinking wine (ok, so I don't drink but it's a nice image) and getting manicures and pedicures and facials and massages. She encourages me to invite 10 -12 people and it's all for $200. I had heard her on the phone earlier pricing a kids' party for teenage girls at $475, so I'm curious how it's so cheap. I tell her about my single moms group and how I think this is a great idea. "Let me understand - $200 and we can have 10-12 women." Nope, I was wrong. $200 per person. I start laughing. She says she can work with me, we can change some of the services to make it more affordable. I tell her these are all single moms, there's no way we can swing it. She tells me to call her and they'll work with me.

I leave laughing.

"Not Comfortable" with Anti-Depressants

2005-01-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

So Dr. C didn't feel "comfortable" prescribing me anti-depressants. At least I've moved from depressed to pissed. Hello! Everyone who is faced with cancer should automatically be put on something. No doubt, you will feel some sort of mental or emotional anguish during this period. Just expect it. I'm not crazy, but I'll get there soon enough. Why was he so enthusiastic about my taking pain medication when I resisted? Why did he encourage me to take the relaxant when I was having chemo? Yet, he's "not comfortable" with prescribing an anti-depressant. Unbelievable.

That's it for now, but later today, I plan to waste work time going over the massage I paid $80 for that was not a massage but a trip to Oz.

Yep, He's a Wack

2005-01-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

OK, he's a wack. I admit it. She was right, he's not all there. Well, I knew he wasn't all there, but I was needy and he was sweet and I figured I could always keep a distance to prevent him from getting attached. And I did, yet somehow he's attached...ergo, the wack comment. There wasn't much communication or activity to get attached to dangit!

Ugh, gotta find a way to curb communication here. Thought I wrote the goodbye letter this morning, but he didn't seem to read it that way.

I'll work a little harder on it.

Stupid Stupid Hole!

2005-01-14T05:24:00.000-05:00

I totally should go back to sleep, because right around 11 am, I'm going to be desperate for a nap. Sometimes, if I try really really hard, I can actually go back to sleep when I wake up too early. But if I feel the need to get my ass out of bed to go to the bathroom, the ADD kicks in and I start doing laundry, putting the dishes away and make coffee and then presto! I'm up for good.

I should have something clever to say or write about, but alas, poor Yorick, no.

At least today is Friday. I've been waiting for this day for so long. And then I have to be a good friend and offer to watch Sylvia's kids so she can go on a date. She didn't want to take me up on that, since I won't have my daughter, but with Karla's help, I think we convinced her. I told her the only thing I ask in return is to see the video if the date goes well. I crack me up.

Speaking of videos...apparently Randy has some secret idea that he didn't want to run by me until he got some input from Mistie. Yes, I'm secretly hoping he wants to surprise me with a visit. I need to stop this. It's like I see that damn pot hole in the middle of the street and I'm walking towards it. I keep saying I'm going to move out of the way before I get too close and it gets dangerous, but I find myself drawn to the damn hole. I can not fall in there. I totally need to run down a different street, but I want to play on this street b/c I know this street is a short cut. But if I want the short cut, I risk falling into that stupid stupid hole! I know I couldn't really fall for him, but I could get used to having a warm body around. Good thing he's not local, b/c I would end up diving right into that hole.

Gotta Go Gotta Go Gotta Go

2005-01-13T13:37:00.000-05:00

I did it. I broke down and called Dr. C for some medical pick me uppers. I feel like my brain is on speed and constantly thinking gotta go gotta go gotta go, but I've nowhere I really need to go and nothing that really needs to be done. And in between these thoughts, I feel like grabbing the damn wig off my head and throwing it out a window. I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable and itchy.

I'm such a ray of fucking sunshine.

Just scheduled a massage for 3:30 - that should distract me for 15 minutes. I ordered a meditation CD, yesterday. Wish me luck in being able to concentrate enough to have it take some effect on me...and wish me luck in not laughing at it if it seems too flaky.

Stelllllllaaaaaa

2005-01-11T09:50:00.000-05:00

I think if I were writing more, I wouldn't be so antsy. I think it would help to get these scattered thoughts down and not let them just whirl around my head like a whip-it ride at the carnival.

I really should be working, but I will get to that soon enough. I'm enjoying the look of catalogs and folders and papers spread across my desk. I could probably wallpaper my office right now with all of it. Maybe that would relax me.

I need a vacation. I want the tropics and I want to read and enjoy the sun and drink frozen virgin strawberry daquiris and not worry if I spelled that right or not. I need to not talk to anyone for a week. Well, maybe to Paolo, the cabana boy. He can make me feel like Stella, getting her groove back.

That's it! I just need to get my groove back! If only I looked as good as Angela Basset did in that movie.

Talk about scattered thoughts, eh?

I'm So Much More Fun than This

2005-01-10T14:24:00.000-05:00

Wow - I'm looking back over the posts from the past year and I'm seeming so serious...and depressing. So not me. I need a little booster shot of something to get my brain back in order. I'm so much more fun than this.

And what's more, I totally didn't accomplish most of those goals I wrote. Well, I got my finances in order. At least I didn't mention losing weight. OK, so I said exercise. C'est la vie. One visit to the gym with my daughter flying off the tread mill and there was no going back. I did make plans to go mountain biking - just didn't go. I promised the other girls at work that I'd go next weekend. I will, I promise.

So what now? I'm moving forward, which is where I felt stifled before. Or am I?

Not So Happy Poem

2005-01-08T05:40:00.000-05:00

They see our strength but do they see us cry
Do they even want to know
Look away from me if you don't want the truth
Sometimes the pain sneaks through

She looks at me with sympathy and awe
But never sees my soul
She is amazed by the face of courage
Doesn't see the despair

Mom wore one too, he remembers her now
Encourages my comfort
Removing that from my tired head
just doesn't bring relief

Look at my face hard, past my storefront smile
And you will see what's there
The tears are falling slowly down my cheek
I do cry all the time

Cancer Poster Child

2004-11-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

I am just not the poster child for cancer victims. I am not the strong woman everyone sees. Or I don't want to be. How the fuck am I supposed to cheer someone else up? My mother wants to send some woman to talk to me b/c she's got cancer and hasn't got the will to fight it. And I'm so fucking strong that I'm supposed to be her cheerleader? No, I'm not. I told her to find a professional. I am not happy and I am not strong and I want this over. Over damn it and I want to go back to moving forward before this stupid stumbling block got in my way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fighting it or waiting for it to happen again. I want my bubbly happy go lucky take life as it comes attitude back and I want this day to be over. Today I want to just go home and lay in bed and cry. I want this gone and I want my hair and I want to never deal with this again. And I want someone else to cheer me up and be strong and know how bad this really sucks for me and not expect me to be a role model and not be impressed by my "strength" and just shut up and let me complain.

2004-11-03T16:49:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from the hospital, my bloodwork came back with low platelets so the doctor decided I should wait a week before the next chemo. I just called his office and told the nurse it's now or never. I either finish up tomorrow or I'm not coming back for the 6th (which was a lower dosage anyway on a "just in case" procedure, so what's the fucking point!)

I should hear my phone ringing any minute now.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of this bullshit! Put me through the fucking ringer tomorrow, check me in if you have to, give me more transfusions, but with G-d as my witness, this fucking chemo bullshit is done tomorrow!

2004-10-27T11:59:00.000-04:00

I nodded my head the whole time I was reading the story of her hair falling out. It was so close to the play by play I experienced. I had full wavy hair halfway down my back, I had great hair. Men loved my hair, that sexy touseled look.

I knew it was going to fall out when the chemo started, yet everyone liked to boost me up with an "it doesn't happen to everybody" speech that included one exception or another. But I knew it was only a matter of time.

The doctor told me it wouldn't start until after the second treatment, but it started about a week before. My mom had asked me to go wig shopping a week earlier, and I yelled at her to leave me alone until I actually needed it. It wasn't a fun girls day out for me. One week later, I called her. "It's time" I told her through tears.

Two weeks after my first chemo, I ran my hands through my hair and more than a few strands came out. I quickly called a friend, terrified. The next morning, I woke up with the back of my hair matted, and went to brush it. The entire knot came out in my brush. I cried so hard. I thought I had some more time. Not that it would've been any different.

The gentleman at the wig salon was the one that let me know it would all be gone within a couple of days. I thought it would just thin out, I didn't realize it happens so quickly. My "stylist" advised me to just buzz it all off. I couldn't. I had some offers for help, but that meant whoever did it would see me bald. I was determined that no one would see me bald.

Two days later, after the hair was everywhere in the house, in the bed, in the laundry, on the floors, in the sink, I looked into the mirror and grabbed the scissors. I had never had short hair in my life. I went to town and cut the whole head of fuzz down to about an inch. I tried to take my wet/dry razor to it but it got jammed, guess it's not meant for the head. After that, I would not buzz or shave the rest. I had thin sideburns and a patch at the back of my neck. The double sided wig tape cleaned off a section at the top, like a waxing treatment. If I was going to go completely bald, it had to happen on it's own. I wouldn't enable it.

I have a collection of wigs. People joke that I'm addicted. The truth is that none of them look real to me. None of them ARE me. I keep buying the next one hoping that one's going to look or feel better. They never are.

Around the house, I wear bandanas. My daughter accidentally wallked in on me in the shower and I was mortified. She was fine, but I wasn't. I'm okay wearing my "do-rag" in front of friends or family, but despite the multitude of requests, I refuse to show anyone.

Next Thursday is my sixth and last treatment (G-d willing). The doctor told me the hair would start growing back after my fifth, so daily I've been inspecting. I could swear I'm starting to see that blonde peach fuzz developing - which is interesting since I've normally got dark brown hair.

I came onto the web, trying to find out how long it would take to grow back, but there's no consistency. All I can do is wait it out. And I hate that.

2004-10-11T19:44:00.000-04:00

Goals -

1) Work 3 hours every weekend on 2shop4stuff.com until ready - get it up and complete by 11/15

2) Give up sugar and white flour (no beating up for exceptions), eat less processed food after chemo is complete

3) Get finances under control -

Create budget by 10/18, readjust with new salary in January
Open Pre-paid tuition for Rachel by January
Look into refinancing by 10/31

4) Sign Rachel up for an activity (capoeira, hip hop, gymnastics???) by 11/1

5) Get key to gym and set a schedule to work out by 11/12

6) Spend more weekends with Rachel

Set up calendar with Jorge by 10/15
find activities that are free or low cost by 11/1

7) Work on regular mountain biking schedule by 11/12

8) Start dating locally - quality only, must be ready for long term relationship, no "just for fun" by 11/26

9) Set new goals for the office, create a schedule of duties for myself by 10/25

10) Develop new idea for next screenplay by 12/1

2004-10-04T19:41:00.000-04:00

It's amazing that I've been going crazy, yet I can't get myself to sit down and put my thoughts together into sentences. Maybe it's just like my lack of sharing with people. I'm not even expressing my thoughts on paper (or on the computer), let alone out loud. They just sit in my head, spin around and tear me up.

I don't know what it is or why I'm losing it, but I'm definitely feeling the emotion. I've been bitching since the beginning, but have generally kept a good disposition. Not this week. I'm feeling a big "fuck you" attitude for this crap. I don't want to go anymore and I don't want to put on my happy face. I want my hair back. It's not fun. I can own every wig they make, but it's not me, it's not comfortable and it's not good enough.

I have completely avoided worrying about my future, as far as my health is concerned. My focus is on the here and now, but this week that changed too. Will I have to go through this all over again? How often, how many times, how come?

I will try to get my good attitude back. I will try to choose happiness. But I need to forgive myself for these slips. I don't want to self pity, but I think it's fair to be frustrated. Am I a victim? Hopefully I don't present myself that way. I hate that quality in others so I need to be careful not to fall into that.

Oh well, going to end this post for now. I'm sure there's a lot more floating in my head, but I've got to work it out.